WWYD? Public drop-off to abusive ex

[scotgal2017]

I've posted many times on here about abusive/controlling STBXH. We have 2 DCs, DD16 and DD13. DD13 has decided no longer to see his dad and obviously STBXH isn't happy about it. I grey rock all the time and drop-offs have always been in a public place, and I never look, speak etc at him during drop-offs. DD16 is going to her dad's tomorrow and it's the first drop off since DS said he isn't going. Is it best to drop DD a bit early as to avoid the potential crap from him or after 2 years, just stay at alloted time and show him he's not in control and can no longer affect me if he decides to kick off/try and talk to me? WWYD?

Where are you dropping her ? Surely she is old enough to do this on her own ?

Just drop her round the corner so you dont have to see him

I'm also confused why you need to be seeing your ex at a drop off, could DD not make her own way there or you drop/he picks up somewhere within a walking distance from her.

Drop off is 9 miles away from home, I live rural/small village so not public enough for my liking. She is going for 3 weeks so not practical for her to get on public transport as she always packs like she's going on a 6 month cruise

Hope this doesn't sound mean, but it sounds to me like you might be secretly hoping for drama. Your child is 16. Just drop her round the corner. You don't need to be hugely involved in contact between a 16-year-old and her dad!

High level of previous abuse, I had my address kept from him and school accidentally gave it to him, now he knows where I live I don't want to give him any reason to be anywhere near my house....

Cross-post. Just drop her round the corner, or if she has too much luggage, drop her at the end of the drive and drive off quickly without hanging about. No need for drama.

No really don't want drama, had 20 years of that and it's been peaceful last 2 years at drop offs/pick ups because both Dcs have wanted to see him. He's been abusive on text since being told Ds doesn't want to see him, so I'm expecting a possibility of drama and trying to limit it

The fact you want to show him he doesn't affect you, shows you are still caught up in the game. You shouldn't give a shite what he thinks. So what if he thinks he can still affect you? You do what is best for you and dc, not trying to show him, not trying to 'win' points. If it's best for you and Dr to avoid him kicking off in front of her, then avoid. If your presence will cause him to kick, why would you want your dd to see that? A can't be arsed being yelled at in front of my child is a better attitude than "I'll show him I'm not affected".

Why does your daughter want to see him at all?. What does he get out of this relationship with her dad. He is not a good template for her to learn about relationships. It would not surprise me if she went onto choose a partner like her own abusive father sadly.

@thingsdogetbetter I'm tired of him thinking he can still walk all over me and has all the power. He's overstepping boundaries, for example it's DS's birthday tomorrow. After sending a self-pitying message all about him not being able to see DS and not being able to give him a present sent to me a few days ago (which I ignored obviously), I get a message yesterday which read: "sorry if it's not okay but since I can't see DS I've ordered things off amazon to be sent to your house for his birthday." He could quite easily give them to DD to bring back with her. I'm at the stage where I want him to realise he can't just do whatever he wants and it's beginning to piss me off tbh.

@AttilaTheMeerkat if I had a choice obviously she wouldn't see him but she is quite close to her dad, she's always been "the normal child" (DS has undiagnosed traits for something along the lines of autism and struggles with life, to which ex's answer has always been for DS "to get over it and stop his nonsense".) I sat her down after ex was told DS didn't want to see him and we discussed how although he is her dad he's not a very nice person/good dad which she said to me she agreed with. Because of gray rock this week he has been harrassing her on whatsapp and did consider not going but decided last minute she does want to go. I have told her if she feels uncomfortable/harrassed etc to phone me to get her or come back to my house directly from school. She's old enough to make her own decisions in relation to her relationship with him. She has started to think about relationships (same sex ones at the moment) and I have told her that I'm behind her 100% with whatever relationship she chooses, just not to let anyone treat her the way her dad treated me. I never had that input in my childhood and sI can only hope that taling to her about it will help prevent her doing the same as I did. Counselling is also being arranged for all 3 of us soon.

She’s 16. She needs to pack less and drop her off at a bus stop and she can text him her eta.

You need to get out of the once understandable management of their contact.

Drop her off a little bit early and leave her to it.

Does she usually go for three weeks at a time?

@AgentJohnson, most likely, think I'm quite protective towards them (understandably?) and try to make life as easy for them as possible because I feel guilty for having made them go through a crappy childhood.....

@MrsAJ27 yes think I'll do that as seems to be the consensus here. DCs usually went for 2-3 weeks at a time as their dad works away for 3-6 weeks at a time so the usual 2 nights a week/EOW arrangement that is "normal" isn't an option

Tbf you do become part of the drama because that's just what you expect. It's not necessarily cos you want it but I guess it probable feels weirdly safe as that is what you expect from the other person. I'm in the same potion but my children are much much younger. I have to constantly re visit my behaviour and make sure I'm not being dragged into the drama of things.
Also op has a point about how to respond to him. Yes of course she shouldn't need to be wandering how her behavour appears to her ex, eg does she turn up normal time and face him or arrive early. But if he's that bad she can not appear weak as this will just perpetuate his negative behavour. Unfortunately it's a bit of a head fxxk.
That's exactly the kind of situations I find myself in but like I said my kids are much younger.
I do think that cos she's 16 she could be more responsible and pack less, reducing your need to help her with so much stuff.

If you are considering the effect on him of anything you do, then you are still being controlled by him.

Do what you want to do. What he thinks is irrelevant. 'fighting to win' (or to stop him winning) is playing the game - that means he wins. Stop playing. Let him think he's won if he wants to. Why would him thinking that matter? If it does, you are still hooked into the drama (however unwillingly). Time to disconnect completely.

If DS13 doesn't want to see him, then you can block him now - he can communicate directly with your DD.

@Christmasfluff, valid/reasonable points and you are right that I can now block him directly. I'm waiting on him to initiate the divorce, he has my solicitors details already so no reason to have direct contact anymore!

At 16 she should sort herself out. That includes getting her luggage there. Stop enabling! If she can’t get her luggage there then she needs to repack. Time to toughen up mumma.