I want to leave my marriage but I feel guilty

[Louise000000]

Hi everyone, ive been married 10 years and we have 3 children (3/5/7)
I have been feeling since 2017 that something in my marriage was off/something was missing. I began fantasising about a life with other men (over the years around 3 men that I met locally-nothing happened besides fantasising and Facebook stalking lol) these fantasies got to the point of obsession at times. I knew this was a red flag but brushed it off as normal marriage boredom.
This year I've been thinking more about splitting up from my husband. I dont love him. I was married at 24 and feel like a completely different person now. I feel trapped in my marriage and I've not pictured my husband in my future for years.
So last week I broke down and told him how i feel, he was of course hurt. I felt awful to hurt him. Then a few days after he told me how he is addicted to smoking weed, something I knew he did occasionally. He told me he's been hiding how much he's been smoking for our whole marriage, he's been dealing weed from our family garage, he's smoked at work (lorry driver!!!) And he's smoked and driven our family regularly.
He's not gone without for longer than a few days barring our abroad holidays when he would be a nightmare to be around (now I know why!! He was withdrawing)
So this has made me understand a possible reason for my own disconnection with him as researching about marijuana use, it disconnects users from their own emotions and also the emotions of others. He's been using it for 20 years now on a weekly basis (sometimes daily basis)
So he's stopped smoking now since last Tuesday, he wants to go to marriage counselling and he wants to work at the marriage. I will go to the counselling because its the right thing to do, but my heart isn't in this.
The other day he said 'would you really want to fuck up your kids heads just for your own happiness?' And this has made me feel guilty for them, and is my happiness a valid enough reason to end a relationship?
However that question made me dislike him even more!!!
So we are waiting for marriage counselling which may be a few weeks, we are living as friends for now and luckily he works away alot which makes this all more bareable too.
I'm happy in my life, I'm starting my own kids groups in my community, things are good, I feel good about myself, I'm just not happy in my marriage!!

WTAF! He drives while high and has been dealing from your home This is your opportunity to end your marriage, take it!

The likelihood that he’s quit, especially when he’s away from home for long periods and has been smoking for a long time, is unlikely.

Doing the right thing isn’t engaging in marriage counselling when a) you want out of the marriage and b) he thinks that counselling is a way to get you to stay.

You’re better off engaging in counselling to support your separation, not pretend to stay in a marriage that you want out of.

What Agent Johnson wrote.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Do not stay together because of the children, they cannot and should not be used as glue here to bind you two together. The two of you should not be together at all.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here from you two?. Do not further do your own bit here to teach them that a loveless marriage is their norm too?

Do you think he feels guilty; no not a chance. So why do you?. That's probably because you're a reasonable person. He is clearly not and again his comment re the children is another example of his innate selfishness to boot.

He says he's stopped now, he feels guilty, he's going to try and make this work etc etc

He is playing down alot of the things (the dealing wasn't technically dealing it was more a group of friends and work mates chipping in for it and collecting their share from our garage- his explanation )
I have always known it has been an occasional smoke, so he's saying I've allowed it this whole time. His mum is saying its also my fault as why did I not see my husband had an addiction, I should have noticed!!
He is very hurt and wants to change it just feel like I'm the bad guy if I still want to split up despite him changing/stopping smoking etc

Why is going to marriage counselling the right thing to do?

Sounds like he told you all this stuff to manipulate you into staying. Tell you something big and dramatic, blame it on you, get others to blame it on you, make grand promises of "changing" that require you to stay, implanting the idea in your head that something has changed so your decision should whilst simultaneously making you feel responsive for his shitty choices.

feel like I'm the bad guy if I still want to split up despite him changing/stopping smoking etc

Mission accomplished. He hasn't changed. He promised to change if you stay (but probably won't if you do).

Your reasons for leaving had nothing to do with all the shit he's just dredged up, so what have they got to do with a decision that wasn't based on them? Why do they change it?

You seem very relaxed about someone selling drugs from your children's home. Learning that should have made you more certain about ending the relationship, not convinced you to stay.

Do you want your children to experience being waken up one morning by the police raiding the house and arresting their parents?

I feel responsible for his happiness! ! I don't want to break him!

I'm not relaxed about the drug dealing at all, it shows his disrespect for our family and our home never mind the legal implications and that he could lose his job and license etc which would have destroyed our lives too. This was a few years ago he's telling me.

He is at rock bottom and he's promising to change.
I guess I'm doing the couples counselling to tick off that I've tried all I could to save the marriage. Also I guess I'm looking for a professional opinion from said counsellor that I'm not in a place to be able to fall back in love. Maybe permission to want to end the marriage too.

"I feel responsible for his happiness! ! I don't want to break him!"

Why do you feel responsible for his happiness?. Stop taking on other people's feelings, it will simply cause you more anxiety by doing so. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, who instilled this wrong belief in you?. Was it one of your parents.
Such people pleasing behaviors do you no favours at all. I would also suggest you read about codependency in relationships.

And how many times too has he said to you in the past that he will change?. He is still the same old same old.

Your H does not care about you nor the fact that he is going to break up this family unit by his actions. He's only suggested marriage counselling because he knows you want out and are perhaps finally now serious about doing so. This just prolongs the inevitable.

You only need to give yourself permission to end the marriage; you do not need others to validate you here. And you all have been through more than enough at his hands already.

Staying together for the kids is far more damaging than bringing them up in a SPF, he just doesn’t want to lose you so is making you feel guilty.

Attilla you are right! I am very co dependant.
My dad was a stoner all through when I was growing up (still is) and my mum raised me on her own until I was 9 when she married my stepdad.
Yes I need to get a grip here and say what I want!!

A work colleague said something recently which has stuck with me. We were discussing couples who remain together only for their children's sakes, and he said "You can't take the children into account. They might not want you to split up but they cannot be the ones effectively making that decision for you. You're also making them responsible for a situation that's making everyone miserable, and that's a massively unfair thing to do to them." I think he's right. Ignore the guilt tripping from your H. How dare he try to make you the guilty one? You're doing the right thing.