going no contact with dad

[Loopylouloves]

This is a hard subject to talk about but i need objective advice. Growing up i was physically and emotionally abused by my mother and later my sister. They both have a personality disorder and refuse to get help or acknowledge their behaviour. A few years ago i decided to go no contact from both of them and neither one has ever tried to contact me or cares about me at all. I told my dad what had been going on and he confronted my mother who admitted what she had done to me but claimed it was my fault. My dad and mums relationship has always been toxic, she basically abuses everyone around her and sadly my sister is repeating the same behaviour.

I feel angry that my dad despite knowing what she did to me has stayed with her and continuing as if everything was normal and spends alot of time with my sister and her children but barely any time with me. I know they make huge demands on his time and hes scared to stand up to them but i feel abandoned and like im the one in the wrong.

My dad has a long history of depression, understandably, and has threatened suicide many times when i was a child. He used to come into my room and say goodbye because he 'coming back and i would lie awake until i heard his car in the driveway so i knew he hadn't killed himself and that's why i'm scared to cut him off. What if this pushes him over the edge?

I feel so conflicted, i know in my heart that in order to move on from my past i need to distance myself from him but it hurts to think i'm causing him pain as i'm the only one in his life who knows what he has to deal with. But every time he tells me what my mum and sister have been up to, i feel like that scared little girl again who cant escape.

I feel too emotional about this to be able to see it rationally so any advice would be so helpful.

bump

Your dad was and remains emotionally abusive towards you as well as his wife’s enabler. As well as enabling her he is really her secondary abuser. Threatening suicide repeatedly to you as a sad child is both reprehensible and manipulative behaviour.

You do not owe him anything, let alone a relationship. He also let you down as a child abjectly.

You are not that scared little girl any longer, do not give him any more power here. Have a read too of the well we took you to Stately homes thread on these pages.

Deal with any and all residual fear, obligation and guilt through counselling/therapy.

It’s not your fault your parents and sister are like this and you did not make them this way.

It's a sensitive subject OP. There are various forms of abuse and threatening suicide and 'saying goodbye' to a child in the way your DF did is another form of it.

My DM did this many times as a child and it has taken years (and therapy) to get out of the mindset that she is a victim and I need to rescue her. She had depression that she ultimately chose not to get treatment for, and like your DF, is responsible for her own behaviour and her own life- not you.

I am NC with both parents (best decision I've ever made for my mental health) and although it is complex and hard to remove oneself from feelings of obligation and guilt- ultimately you need to do what puts you best able to move on from toxic relationships and focus your aim back on your own health and happiness. You are not the source of his pain. It's important to remember that although you have him labelled as helpless and 'needs you' and of you leave he 'has nobody' but ultimately he isn't helping himself and he has chosen a number of the routes he's chosen even when they throw you under the bus.

I really recommend seeing a counsellor to discuss it and work through the feelings you have. Understanding them is really helpful in rationalizing that a lot of these things are residual childhood emotional trauma clouding our adult judgement.

Sorry things are so tough OP, there is light at the end of the tunnel

He threw you under the bus to protect himself from his wife’s barbs and excesses of behaviour. Another reason for you to keep well away from him now. He is a truly weak willed individual who has also chosen his wife over you.

thankyou, i do feel responsible for him your right. He used to confide in me as a child about their marriage problems alot, so i grew up feeling i needed to help him. I have offered to help him leave several times but i know he won't. I can kind of see whats going on here but cant get rid of the feeling i'm a bad person.

Counselling is a good idea.