Hi
New to posting but really baffled with how to get on with my life.
Been with my husband for 25 years, married 14, 2 kids under the age of 10.
Two years ago my MIL died. DH obviously found this hard, but more because he said he never cried over her death. I lost my mother young and found losing MIL traumatic.
Sex slowed down and then stopped. DH would still masturbate while I was next to him in bed, but would reject any attempt at my initiating sex.
I thought he needed space to deal with stuff so I stopped trying to initiate sex, although this led to me feeling emotionally unsupported because it wasn't just sex he wasn't interested in - all attempts at physical closeness were blocked. If I tried to hug him it was awkward and one sided, there were no kisses at all.
So now we haven't had sex for probably almost 2 years and my eldest tells me that she thinks dad is cheating on me because he has women's names on his phone. I tell her it'll be our female friends, she says no it's names like Katie (not someone we know). I just say "not your dad" and move the conversation on.
But I start to realise that DH is indeed being more careful with his phone. Eventually I can't help myself and I check. You all know where this is going...I feel a total mug as there are sexts between him and a woman (not Katie though so probably there have been others). I didn't have time to read all, but there were photos, videos and sex references, although I didn't see any evidence that they have met for sex.
So I talked to him two nights ago. I didn't mention the messages that I saw, but talked about our lack of intimacy and he said that he doesn't find me attractive that way any more. He's sorry, he's let me down.
I asked whether that was it - is our marriage over and he looked confused. He doesn't want to be that kind of dad and wants to carry on as we are. I can see where he's coming from - in his head, nothing has changed for him. However for me this is a huge revelation.
I have sexual needs too and don't know how to live with this.
I asked him outright whether he was seeing other people and he said no.
By morning all the messages had been deleted on his phone. However it was WhatsApp that he used and I can see that he's still online a lot. It's driving me mad knowing that he's probably continuing sex chat.
He seems normal at home since our chat, not much has changed and we still talk as usual. I'm just not sure how to deal with all this.
I know it's not healthy to be obsessing over this, but also I can't see a positive outcome. I feel that I need to protect the kids and as he does a lot of the childcare while I work and there isn't much money there aren't many options open.
He actually said that maybe if his new job takes off we can get a bigger house and he can have his own room. He struggles with a condition which makes even small noises unbearable so he can be a grumpy bastard. He says he knows that he's difficult to live with.
At the moment we're just carrying on as though nothing's changed but I can't see this working long term.
I think I'm going to look at counselling for me (suggested it to him for us both but he doesn't think anything will change). I'm physically far from my family and unsure about how much of this to share with whom as I don't want the kids to hear about this from someone else.
I know that eventually this will work out one way or another but I need to try to get through it in the least emotionally damaging way for the kids. And for me, but they're my prime concern.
Sorry for the novel - please be gentle with me.