He just ended it

[mercedesme]

I've been in this awful relationship for the last 6 years nearly with, now I realise, a complete narcissist. If I actually had to write the down the way he's treated me, spoken to me, the amount of times he's cheated and I've found out and he's just denied it when I know it's true or just fronted it out.

I've been seeing a therapist recently who's said we are both addicted to different parts of each other. He gets something from me which he craves and vice versa. I know I shouldn't be with him but I can't let go.

Anyway. He's just ended it. Out of the blue. I have never felt pain like this. I can't stop him from ending it but I just want to be happy with him. I just need somewhere to get my thoughts down so i don't message him begging him to listen to me.
He's ignored my last 2 messages.

He has done you the biggest favour of your life. Stop groveling to a man who doesn't give a shit about you. Block and move on.

Write down all the shit he has done to you on a piece of paper instead of texting him. I know you want to be happy with him. But he's never going to be the man who treats you like a queen. You deserve better and that man is out there but you'll never get that with this one.
Don't txt him and get through this minute by minute hour by hour day by day.
You'll come out of this much better off.
Imagine the freedom to do whatever you want without him.
He's done you a massive favour.

Now it's time to roll your sleeves up and get to work on you.

Time to work out what you want and set some healthy bounties.

Julia Kristina does some excellence free vids on you tube.

Get some CBT There is a bit if await on the NHS but best thing I ever did

Practice kindness and forgiveness BUT keep those healthy boundaries.

And on a physical level get plenty of sleep eat good food.
Get out in the fresh air
Have at least a 20 minute walk a day and drink water.

If you find your mind racing reading a good book can help to focus it.

Thanks.

I know in the long run it will be the best thing for me. And I've been here before with him. But every time it hurts the same. He's really messed my mind up in terms of my self esteem and insecurities. I genuinely don't think I could ever not love him tho.. god how stupid do I sound.

I'm currently having CBT twice a month. My therapist agrees it's toxic and that i am addicted to certain parts of him and his personality which give me things I crave in life (ie) security, safety, companionship etc.

We're currently trying to work through this more in therapy sessions and I know the solution is to not have him in my life one day but I wanted to be the one to make the decision. Him doing it hurts and just reminds me I'm not good enough.

I’ve been there and it’s horrible. I was OBSESSED with trying to get back with him even though he pretty much ruined my life and was never nice to me.
I would spend all day in bed crying and feeling suicidal when we split up.
I look back on that period of my life and can’t believe the way I was. My self esteem was rock bottom and I hate him for what he did to me. I’m now in a happy relationship filled with love and trust. I’ve spent years working on my self esteem with CBT and anxiety workshops.
The only advice I can give you is to distract yourself as much as possible for the next couple of weeks until not contacting him starts to get slightly easier. If you don’t distract yourself then you’re going to be checking your phone all the time and your head will be a mess.
Try leaving your phone in another room for most of the day on silent. You’ll be climbing the walls wanting to check it but you’ll eventually get used to it and it will feel easier.
He’s very bad news and will only destroy you completely if you let him back into your life.
You might think you love him but toxic relationships are never “love”. They are “obsession” with each other which is completely different and very destructive.

As others have said, breaking up is the best thing that could happen. It hurts for now, but time will heal. You'll probably also soon appreciate not having his bollox in your life anymore.

@Ellabella989 You might think you love him but toxic relationships are never “love”. They are “obsession” with each other which is completely different and very destructive.

Wow. That's the truth. That's exactly what it is. I'm obsessed with him. With how he makes me feel or the person I am with him when things are good. He's never done anything for me which really affects my self esteem and confidence levels. He's always made me feel I'm never actually good enough for him. I was engaged to someone else and ended it because he came back bombarding with me his love and I couldn't take it. I didn't end it so I could be with him. I ended it cause of the constant turmoil I felt about if I was in love with someone else and engaged to another.

He really has ruined my life. And he literally has just said that he never forced me to see him. Oh god what did I ever get myself in to. I feel sick I've wasted so many years. I've blocked his phone number now so he can't contact me and I have to unblock to contact him, so hopefully that will help.

I feel for you. It is an addiction and with addictions you need to go cold turkey. I've been there myself.
Try to stay focused on all the bad things about the relationship rather than fantasising about the good bits. The bad bits definitely outweigh them.
I don't think there is a magic explanation as to why we behave like this towards someone who hurts us over and over. I still can't fathom it. I just know that it has made me a stronger person and I would hope never to put up with that again.

My therapist has said humans crave certain things, emotions, feelings and for a variety of reasons.

Mine relate back to my childhood and needing this feeling of security and safety and needing someone else to give me that the same way as my dad and brothers did. And I don't have that now so I crave that from him, no matter how bad the bad times are, he gives me that feeling.

That took a while to work out in therapy but now I know it, it doesn't make it any easier to leave him, in fact in some ways I think it makes it harder. I know I need to work on me and this feeling and need I have but it just hurts.

I'm just writing down my feelings here I guess rather than messaging him long essays.