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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hand hold please. DH is leaving

27 replies

Isitactuallyme · 28/09/2019 00:38

I knew he was having a bad day today and that he blames me for his depression. Tried to give him space tonight but have fucked up again and got defensive in a conversation. We were talking about mindfulness and he said it would be good for me but I'd hate it as I always need a distraction. I said that in a weekly activity I do I have time to sit and reflect and it brings in my anxiety as my mind wanders and I think of all the things that could go wrong in the upcoming week / things I should have done and haven't. He said it's because I don't like to look at my own behaviour ( a real issue for me) and I said no that's not it.

He's now been out for a walk having said he wants the whole world apart from our kids to fuck off and that he wants to talk logistics tomorrow. He has said he just needed support Tonight and instead I have yet again put defending myself first above all else. This is not unconditional love as I am doing nothing to change my behaviour and he has had enough. I have made an appointment to see a counsellor this week but it is too little too late. I love him so much and just don't know what to do.

How do I change my behaviour and save this ?

OP posts:

Tolleshunt · 28/09/2019 00:41

Sorry, I don’t understand. He thinks you are unsupportive because you feel mindfulness is not for you? Is that right? I don’t see how that is unsupportive to him, unless he was asking you to go to a class with him.

Weenurse · 28/09/2019 00:42

You are not the reason he has depression.
It is a chemical imbalance in the brain that you did not cause.

bluebell34567 · 28/09/2019 00:43

it wont happen suddenly i guess.
keep up with your appointment with counselor. and in the meantime he needs to be patient. you have children together.

SalmonScale · 28/09/2019 00:44

How is he supporting you?

gamerchick · 28/09/2019 00:44

He's got you well trained hasn't he? Seriously OP, this isn't you. He's done you well over.

Tell him you agree, maybe a split is for the best. I'll put money on him changing his mind saying you don't care about him to let him go so easily. He's playing you.

This isn't a healthy environment for your kids to live in.

readitandwept · 28/09/2019 00:48

Pretty sure you're not the bad guy here.

Original poster

Isitactuallyme · 28/09/2019 00:49

He feels that I take everything he says as a criticism. We often disagree on things so then he won't speak to me, sometimes for several days.
In this case I reacted to his saying I refused to look at my behaviour and I said that that's untrue as I have been making an effort and booked an appointment.
I just seem to upset him all the time but have really tried. I don't make plans until I have checked with him, we agree in advance when we are leaving and I stick to that, I've worked really hard at being tidier but I still upset him without meaning to all the time.
He reckons now writing my own narrative in my head where I am the victim but it's just that I am scared of saying the wrong thing and upsetting him further.
Sorry if this is rambling but I'm worried about talking to people in real life in case I do portray him badly.

OP posts:

DawgLover · 28/09/2019 00:54

You sound so scared and tentative. No one feels like that in a healthy relationship. You should able able to disagree without it suddenly being a deal breaker.

Putting my money down now - he's a dick you're ground down by the constant criticism and the world is round.

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/09/2019 00:58

You sound like you have been constantly trying to please him, and changing and second guessing everything you do or say.

He though, just moves the goal posts so you are always in the wrong, and are always trying to play catch up.

Take a step back and with fresh eyes, truly look at what's been going On op

Elieza · 28/09/2019 00:59

Sounds like he’s blaming you for everything. I’m sure that everything is not your fault though! He must have things himself that are causing his depression, stress at work, financial stress etc.
If you are very tense though you could be hard work to live with? I know myself that that can be tiring and frustrating - my other half was bipolar and he was exhausting to live with. Perhaps he has a point that you could have gone for help before now. However he’s not perfect either as so could he as he’s the one losing the plot.

If you really want to keep him and placate him you could try saying “I thought about the what you said again and I’ve made an appointment with a counsellor to help me. I’m sorry you feel I was unsupportive and that I was defensive earlier. What would you like me to do to support you. I do love you and I’m sorry you’re unhappy. I want things to be better and I’m going to work at it with professional help if you will too”.

Stay calm whatever he says. Dont be shouting or arguing or put up with him ranting or raving in your face. Don’t let him walk over you. If he gets too much you could try reminding him that shouting at each other isn’t helpful and perhaps we should talk about this later when we are both calm, and leave the room.
I don’t know what else you can do.

Are you sure you really love him? Is it not that you’re used to him and are scared to be without him? Seems like your relationship hasn’t been easy. Perhaps you would both flourish away from each other?

Chloemol · 28/09/2019 01:00

Just let him leave, don’t go after him, let him sort himself out

DawgLover · 28/09/2019 01:00

Jesus lord get out now. Run. Leave. Leave. Leave. Dont look back.
Silence as a punishment is abuse.

Having to clear plans for no reason is controlling.

Having your feelings dismissed as "playing victim" in addition to the bits above is straight up cruel and (rarely used by me) gaslighting.
Seriously its not you. You are more than this, more than him. If you'd tell your best friend she's better than this, why aren't you?

Weenurse · 28/09/2019 01:03

He is very manipulative isn’t he?

DawgLover · 28/09/2019 01:03

Please let the "logistics" be that the door slams firmly on his arse. Genuinely, this wart exiting your life is the best outcome possible.

Fallingirl · 28/09/2019 01:12

Why should you love him unconditionally?

Seriously, that is just saying you should love him even when he treats you like a servant.

And he certainly doesn’t love you unconditionally, does he?

You are being abused and by the sounds of it have been for a very long time. It sounds like your whole life is reduced to trying to please him.

He is a very nasty man, and you deserve so much better.

Tolleshunt · 28/09/2019 01:19

You’re not the one who needs to look at changing your behaviour. He’s an arsehole. Please leave.

scubadive · 28/09/2019 01:22

It sounds like you are walking on egg shells all the time,

Why do you need to look at your behaviour.
Why do you need a counsellor
Why you need to be tidier
Why do you need to agree plans with him first.

Why can’t you just be you and be loved for being you.

Things don’t sound right here I’m afraid, you might be better off with someone more accepting of you.

Faez · 28/09/2019 01:25

Agree with gamerchick

Couldbeworseisuppose · 28/09/2019 01:40

Honey as previously posted u r being gaslighted. Please Google so u can see how this works, u r worn down and need to take yrself 4 a break 2 see the bigger picture. Each time your feelings/perspective is belittled point this out to him, he will bluster how horrible u r but stick to your guns and remind him your feelings r equally important, make him agree to disagree and respect opposite views are valid, know ur worth the effort to get where u want to be x

user764329056 · 28/09/2019 01:43

When partners behave like this we often can’t see the wood for the trees, our heads are so scrambled, please don’t stay in this relationship, you sound so sad and worn down

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/09/2019 01:44

This is not unconditional love as I am doing nothing to change my behaviour and he has had enough.

Let's unpick that ball of crap...

You have to love him unconditionally? Nope. I love my child that way and literally no one else. Well maybe the dog. But certainly not my DH, who I adore BTW but not unconditionally. If he did any one of a number of things, I wouldn't be with him.

And then there's you having to change to prove your love. Double nope. He loves you like you are or he doesn't. If he doesn't he can leave. If you WANT to change for YOU go ahead and do some work, but not for him.

He's had enough? Sulking, manipulation and he's had enough. Triple nope.

rvby · 28/09/2019 01:57

My exdh was (is) like this.

OP it's not meant to be this way. PLEASE dont let him make you live like this. You can leave and be so much happier.

Unconditional love is massively unhealthy for any context except parent/child relationships and even then there's typically a limit when it goes to extremes.

Theres only one context in an adult relationship where unconditional love thrives... that would be in an abusive context. You should NEVER be in a position where the other person can do whatever they like and you'll never withdraw your affection. The fact hes haranguing you with that shows he knows fuck all about relationships and is a manipulative tosspot.

Im angry for you when I read the way he treats you x

MrsGreenhouse · 28/09/2019 02:12

Please don't blame yourselt

There is no such thing as unconditional love when it comes to a romantic partner. That would mean, you'd love him without condition, even if he abused you, cheated on you, etc.

His threatening to leave at any sign of conflict is not healthy.

Please stand up to him!

donethinkin · 28/09/2019 02:56

He said that you always take what he says as a criticism. But he WAS criticising. He said you never look at your own behaviour. That was a criticism. He made a statement about you. You have a right to disagree if somebody says something about you. He says you didn’t support him. I’m sure you would have if he’d kept the conversation about him and what he needs. He didn’t do that though. He used incendiary language and deliberately baited you. He’s attention seeking flouncing off. He gets an ego boost when you get upset. I’d push forward. Call his bluff. Say “I’ve been thinking and you are right. We shouldn’t be together. We are toxic. Let’s get those logistics sorted” and mean it.
You can do better

enjoyingscience · 28/09/2019 03:04

God love, he’s a nasty piece of work. Please let him go, he’ll ruin you. Manipulative horrible behaviour - you can’t control or cure his mental illness, and he knows it. But he can, and is, use it as a stick to beat you with.

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