Well the relationship itself, and the fact we have a child together. I feel really overwhelmed by it all at the moment, I’ve been really tearful for the last few days, and would really appreciate any words of wisdom or advice.
As a disclaimer - I absolutely adore DC and being their mum. We are close, and do loads of fun activities and are always out and about. It absolutely isn’t motherhood itself which has made me feel so sad, it’s the circumstances surrounding it.
I have no doubt that if DC father had been supportive, financially and emotionally, I would be really content. I don’t want to go too much into the relationship, but in summary he was a narcissistic, lying, cheating, manipulative man. Breaking up didn’t help much as I still have to communicate based on DC.
My self esteem has taken a battering from the relationship, body changes from pregnancy, and social isolation. I feel like I’ve lost my entire identity, except for the part which is being a mum. I miss who I was before DC, I feel like I’ve lost huge parts of myself. Money is very very tight at the moment which makes everything worse - even if I could manage to find a babysitter (very little support network), I wouldn’t have the money to do anything fun, and I wouldn’t want to go out as all my clothes are old/don’t fit me/literally have holes in them. I feel so deeply bored and sad once DC is asleep. My body has changed massively too, which I feel shit about.
I know some of these things will change over time - I can diet to lose the last stone or two, and finances should hopefully improve over the next couple of months - but I’m exhausted with pinning my happiness onto a future date which never seems to come. It scares me to think the next 5, 10, 15 years might be like this, and I think I will end up very depressed. I feel guilty about feeling sad, and I know I should be cherishing DC childhood.
I don’t know what I can do to make this stage more bearable or to feel more like myself again.