Exhaustion and Arguments

[anyidea123]

Hi,

Sorry it's so long I'm hoping to get it all across (& hoping it's relevant)

I have a 4 month old DS my first baby 😊 and so I am very tired!

This week has been the worst for a while as he's been waking more during the night and very very cranky during the day. Not being able to put him down or get anything done and lots of screaming, so it's been tiring and stressful!

Sometimes DP has to stay late at work if he isn't finished the days tasks and previously I have asked him to let me know what time he would be home if so, as frustrating when clock watching waiting for him to come back if DS is non stop screaming and then I don't know how long he'll be.

Wednesday was a nightmare day! Lots and lots of screaming, I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and was crying as it was really getting me down.

About half an hour before DP was due to finish I took DS out for a drive to try and settle him. Came back half an hour after DP should of finished. So called him to ask how long he'd be he said 20 mins was nearly done.

I was still teary after the call & trying to hold it back, he came in, saw my face & asked what was wrong. I just said I'm tired. I knew I'd breakdown if I tried to say anymore. He walked past me and went upstairs. When he came back down he was really mardy.

I said I'm going to bed for a bit. (I was just so knakered having not slept much the past few nights.

Went upstairs and was still upset so couldn't get to sleep annoyingly! After 40 minutes I came back down stairs and he wasn't talking to me, silent treatment again!

I felt a bit better even though I hadn't slept but had a bit of a break and was trying to make conversation, after about an hour of this pretty much silence it turned into an argument - the usual of him bringing up anything else. So I was trying to explain what was wrong today and I did completely break down. He still just carried on arguing telling me he didn't care blah blah blah. So I took DS out for a walk as I didn't want to argue in front of him and hoping to settle him.

When I was back he had gone in the spare room to sleep (same last night) and is ignoring me again today because he is "too tired after work to get a bollocking".

My point the other night was I just wanted some support. I'm not expecting him to get up and do night feeds when he has work but just to be there for me when I've had a horrible day. Same as I am for him when he comes home and rants about work every night.

I also can't get out of my head that how much I was crying when I was leaving the house (& it does take a lot for me to cry) he just didn't care and let me go while he happily went to bed and straight to sleep.

I said the next day if this was the other way round I could never do that to him.

But nothing seems to get through?
Am I wasting my time in this relationship or am I so tired I'm not seeing clearly?

I could have written your post word for word for similar incidents that sadly were regular. He sounds really unkind and lacks empathy. Was he similar in pregnancy if you ever felt unwell?

I sympathise. I went through similar (still am). This sounds deeply unpleasant. Do you have any support (family etc) nearby? I’ve spent two years of very little sleep and no support and I can tell you it’s almost killed every tiny bit of feeling I have for OH. Tiredness could be a big factor but so is the fact that he sounds cruel, disengaged and not at all like a loving partner. I feel for you.

No wasn't at all like this whole i was pregnant but has been a few arguments since.

Yes I have my mum not too far away and she's happy to babysit when I ask so I'm lucky that way.

How did you both deal with this?

He never changed. He was like that any time I was vulnerable, upset or ill. Sorry, I hope it is not like that for you.

Honestly, my DH was like this. It didn’t improve. Now if I say I’m feeling poorly or tired he couldn’t be less interested. It’s led to a huge breakdown between us. I personally wish I’d got out when my baby was small. I’d be onto a happier new life by now

Sadly, you are seeing just what kind of man he really is, and it's not good. Yet another selfish, immature man-child who feels no responsibility to help care for his own child and his partner. I highly doubt this will get better.

This is what I was worried about that it was unlikely to change 😞

Atm I'm planning to have a chat this morning about what I expect and go from there.

If he can't see anything wrong or willingness to change how things are I don't think I have any choice but to end it. As I don't want this to be my life

DH was like this. I was crying, exhausted, in the midst of PND and PNA after a traumatic birth and he literally couldn't give a shit. I found very directly challenging his behaviour helpful and although we had some blazing rows we then went to couples counselling which was really helpful. Could you have a set time when you know he will have DS and you can rest like Friday night or Saturday morning? I found this really helpful. I also went back to work early to force a better balance in our relationship and used the little ones sleep programme to help structure our days and settle DD.

When I had my first baby 5 years ago the MIdwife gave me a bit of advice she tells all new mums

Don't divorce your husband in the first year of your child's life, and to me she was right although I extended that to 4 years

The stress and lack of sleep is so hard and you do take it out on each other

We are now 5 years in with a 3/5 year old and really struggled for a while as a couple but now things have got easier and there is light at the end of the tunnel which is definitely because we sleep better and feel we are getting our lives back a little bit

All I can say is what you are going through as a family is normal and hang in there it's really tough in those early years.

@blackcat86 sorry to hear you went through this too 😞

He does one night / morning at the weekend. I did last night and because DS is still unwell he has been waking a lot more & only settling on me. So I'll be sending them downstairs shortly for cuddles and I'm going back to sleep.

I have been considering going back to work early because then we will have to take night feeds in turns. I just don't know what to do for the best

@Salene thanks for sharing.

That's what I've been thinking, that if I make a decision now that is fuelled by the sleep deprivation am I going to come to regret it

Agree with going back to work and taking turns.
This includes when DC were sick and needed to stay home from child care. He never got the idea that his job was more important than mine.
Worked in our favour over the years as he is in the building trade so regularly retrenched when jobs finished. I had the steady job for income.
DC realise that both parents have important jobs and contribute equally but in different ways.

For me, I found the power dynamic very difficult and it was as if I just didnt matter anymore which going back to work addressed. Please do go to your GP to discuss PND - an unsupportive partner can be a big trigger and I found a short course of ADs and counselling helpful. I also asked GPs to watch baby for a couple of hours whilst i went out and did literally anything alone. Even once a week helped. I found that not relying on my partner but creating my own timeout even better so if you have willing family do utilise them.

Oh and remember you're not alone. More mums than not that I've met through DD (now 13 months) had unsupportive partners or partners who suddenly did dickish things like affairs or staying out all night. Its sadly very common but because we're encouraged to push it aside or not talk badly about our partners women dont realise how many others are going through this. Speak to friends and family, dont cover for him ever.

My stbxh was like this. I thought he was having a hard time. It took me 3 years to acknowledge that he is simply a selfish bastard. Life is wonderful without him.

I don’t think they realise how utterly exhausting it is until you leave them to it.
I went back to work after 6 weeks because I could not handle being at home with a screaming colicky baby. I would do a 6-12 midnight shift so hand him a screaming baby and leave.
She would have cried herself to sleep by the time I got home.
He used to say he paced the house for hours with DD over his shoulder.
Sometimes you have to stuff for your own sanity and mental health.