Safeguarding toddler from ex with psychosis episodes

[Treesinthewind]

Hi everyone,
Namechanged for this for obvious reasons. Will try and keep it simple.
I have a toddler with my ex-partner. Relationship has broken down at same time as Ex has been having severe mental health difficulties. He's had 3 episodes of psychosis with serious delusions (enough that Police called Mental Health Assessment team out), but each time he is either more lucid by the time he is seen by a Crisis team, or he denies he has a problem, or he has pressured me into withdrawing my concerns that I have reported. As a result, he went missing last week, and DS and I have moved in with family.
I have been simultaneously trying to get him help but also protect myself and DS. His delusions now involve me (I am part of worldwide conspiracy and have been spying on him) and our son (he has told the police and GP that he thinks I have harmed him). I have spoken to GP, Police, Social Services, Health Visitor and everyone has pretty much said their hands are tied and if he doesn't either refer himself for help or directly threaten himself or others, there's nothing we can do.
He now wants unsupervised access with DS. Again, all involved professionals have said I am doing the right thing not allowing this (because I am worried he is unpredictable), and in fact the reason social services aren't taking us on is because I am doing the right thing, but no one is telling me how I am meant to deal with Ex turning up at house, or texting and ringing me saying I am being unreasonable not letting him see DS.
It feels like the only way to get help is to go down the DV route. It hasn't been a healthy relationship and there have been controlling elements, but I am still dealing with admitting that to myself, and wouldn't feel comfortable making those allegations against him.
In the meantime he is getting (kind of understandably) angrier, because he went to the GP and saw the Crisis team and they apparently said there was nothing wrong with him (because he is no longer in acute phase, and also good at masking symptoms). I feel like I'm making things worse and more dangerous by not allowing unsupervised contact, but a) I don't feel comfortable doing so and b) social services have suggested it is the right thing to do.
Any words of advice? I'm exhausted!

Organise or suggest supervised contact, if he refuses then suggest he takes you to court! Personally I have found both the police and ss pretty useless, and certainly not to be relied on to protect my children.

@justmeandthekids2 Thank you. I'm reluctant to go to court myself and his situation means he will never be able to afford it. I would ideally want to maintain a good co-parenting relationship but his MH difficulties are making it difficult - specifically the fact that he has very strongly held delusions about what I have apparently done! I am also finding it hard to justify to him why he can't have unsupervised contact, as in his eyes the GP has said he is fine. I'm also worried that this course of action could make the situation more volatile.

Did ss tell you not to allow unsupervised? Because if they did and you go against it it will look as if your not able to protect your child.
I think the main thing is that he and your child are giving the opportunity to have a relationship but one that's safe. You are giving him that opportunity but suggesting supervised contact. Has he got a family member who would facilitate contact?
You are not responsible for his mental health, that is his responsibility. Don't feel pressurised into doing something that you don't belive is right for your child.

You are not responsible for helping your ex. You are responsible for protecting your son. It is that simple. Protect your child, if your ex has a problem he can take you to court, if he gets angry call the police. Why do you care if he's able to afford it? You cannot possibly consider giving access to a child to someone with uncontrolled psychosis.

As heartbreaking as this is you can’t help him. You can only protect yourself and your child. It sounds like your partner is similar to mine. I put all the abuse to him being mentally ill but the fact was he could put up a good front for other people. He was choosing to behave that way for me and DS.

I think you do need to involve the police. You can ask them to put a marker on your house so that if you call 999 you will be prioritised. You may need to get a court order preventing him from coming to your house and taking your son.

You can only be reasonable with a reasonable person. He is not in that state. One day if gets better he will understand why you had to do it. If he doesn’t you and your son will still need protection.

Oh you have my sympathy. One of the hardest parts about delusional psychosis is how lucid they can seem when they need to be and how little insight they have into their illness.

Supervised access only and let him fight it. Hopefully he will tip over into acute crisis and get sectioned. I know that sounds absolutely heartless, but it unless he is able to recognise that he is very ill and seek help himself (which would of course be the best outcome), then this situation is only going to get worse. I hope you have lots of real life help and support.

@justmeandthekids2 They won't officially tell me not to, but they say 'You're doing absolutely the right thing." which means, yes, I worry what they would think if I didn't.

@maudebegonne Thank you. Yep - the lucidity is scarier than the manic bit. It's not heartless - it's what the system requires. I totally understand his human rights, but GP and Police say they have seen before how damaging it is when someone in this state doesn't get treatment. It feels like neglect, to let someone have untreated psychosis for so long that it takes route. I am very very fortunate to have real life help and support. I think the people supporting me also need their own support.

Thanks @siablue. It sounds like a very similar situation. It's hard when you realise what you've been doing. Police have been as helpful as they can be.

@Someoneontheweb Thank you for your words. The more people tell me I'm doing the right thing, the stronger I feel.

I think I would want to take out a non-molestation order against him as he has been harassing you, turning up at your house and making you feel unsafe.
Your priority has to be protecting yourself and son.
You can get one for emotional abuse and harassment.
He sounds very unwell and potentially a threat to you and your child's safety so don't be afraid to call the police if he shows up.

"He's had 3 episodes of psychosis with serious delusions (enough that Police called Mental Health Assessment team out),"
NICE guidelines suggest that for a first episode of psychosis a service user should receive anti-psychotic medication and psychological therapies in order to reduce the risk of relapse. I'm surprised a Crisis team would consider he is okay and not sure how he would be able to pass himself off as okay to professionals if he has had 3 episodes.

My relative had an acute psychotic episode and after being on anti-psychotic meds for 4 days, the hallucinations and delusions went away. He still had a Home Treatment team visit daily for a month before being discharged to be an outpatient at the Community Mental Health team. I don't understand why he hasn't been treated in this way.

I don't get how he can appear lucid either. That suggests he has a great degree of insight into his condition. Has he been treated for MH issues before?

If only you could get him to seek treatment. This situation can be easily controlled and then there is no reason why he cannot have unsupervised access to his child. Is there not a way you could make him see that?

@Idontwanttotalk I don't know how he hasn't been treated either :-( Maybe they weren't prepared to officially call it psychosis, but he has had delusions and hallucinations, not slept for days, been very agitated, had a very odd expression on his face like it's not him, been unable to express thoughts clearly. The first mental health nurse he saw was preparing me for him to be sectioned and hospitalised for up to a month! And then suddenly the next morning they had done an assessment under MH Act and sent him home. Crisis team came out - he explained it away as a severe lack of sleep and there was no follow up. Similar episodes have now happened twice, and taken longer for him to recover from the acute phase, but the underlying delusions are still there.

A relative of mine is just like this, they have a bipolar diagnosis. At the first sign of an episode, not sleeping, delusions etc, family members try to get help, only for him
to be able to explain it away and he appears lucid and he is sent home. A few days later he is sectioned as it has become progressively worse. He denies the diagnosis and has elaborate explanations and conspiracy theories... Even gets the section overturned. Mental Health services are shocking in our experience with no follow up.
Its been going on years and years. He had to be supervised until his kids got older, but even recently, he began with a crisis while with his 16 year old daughter who was terrified and had to quickly get her mum to take him to hospital..
Do all you can to avoid one to one access with your child, these severe MH problems just don't go away, he will need supervising, don't allow him lone access. Protect your self and your child.

Thanks @NativeAustralian. Do you know how they managed to maintain him only having supervised access?