Children of 70s/80s Sally Challen

[freddiemercury]

I've been reading about Sally Challen and coercive control a lot.
My childhood involved a very controlling father. He would flip over the slightest things.. such as a pepper pot running out of pepper, a glass being broken, etc. He told us children we were fat/stupid. My mother tho got the brunt.. she was humiliated in many ways. Ge controlled her financially, when we moved house he was rude at a neighbours party and she was very very isolated. He would go silent for days at a time. We all trod on egg shells
The strange thing is that now he's very different and is an incredibly loving grandfather in particular... and I had mostly put it behind me.
But reading about Sally Challen brought it all up. I spoke to my husband about it and he basically said that it was completely normal for the era of my childhood and we cant compare those relationships with how it's done now. I know his parents marriage was pretty volatile. But my view is that our separate but not hugely happy experiences were far from normal.
Any views would be very appreciated...

I grew up in the 70s/80s and my parents were not like yours. They did argue at times but it always seemed equal and my siblings and I did not tread on eggshells. What you're describing does not sound the norm (I'm thinking of my wider family and friends at that time) and I'm sorry you had to live like that.

@freddiemercury I think DV perps often 'grow out' of the abuse. Crime in general is a young man's game. So whilst they are highly abusive men in their 60s+, as their physical power diminishes so does their ability to abuse & control people. They often rely on others more & need help. To do that you have to be nice.
Not sure that answers your question mind!

No, this is not normal. ive had counselling a few times and will talk about my dads behaviour and people are horrified at how he was and still is to some extent.

I agree about it being a young mans game seen a few people around me mellow as they have got older/ageing brain.

I have just left a relationship very much like this only it was starting to get much worse. My ExFIL sounds very similar to your dad. He had terrifying rages when H was a child over minor things like losing the TV remote. He is now a teddy bear.

This was not normal in the 80s my own Dad is lovely and would never dream of behaving in that way. Neither would my uncles or my friends Dad’s.

I am sorry you had such an awful time.

Definitely not normal in my experience.

But sadly is absolutely what I lived through for a few years before managing to escape. I think what has improved maybe is that there is more support now once you recognise the situation you are in. But even then I would say the Sally Challen ruling is a rare moment of sense in a court system still ruled by misogyny.

(in my experience growing up I mean)

No, abuse was abuse even back in the 70s and 80s. I can even remember the families in our area that had it happening at the time. Everyone knew about it, maybe one difference is that today more people would be prepared to support a woman in that sort of relationship, but then again, they did support then, too. Strong words whispered in ears down the pub etc, men left after altercations with fathers or brothers of their wives.

Thank you so much for the replies. I was sure it wasn't just "how it was back then" but my husband was equally sure it was.

Interesting that the perpetrators grow out if it generally. Equally my sister and I noticed a difference when we got married... I think he realised that adult men would call him out on his behaviour.

It was my “normal” but I was aware even then it wasn’t everyone’s. Thankfully my mum found the strength to leave when I was a teen and i have been NC with my father ever since. As far as I am aware he is not like that in his subsequent marriage but I suspect that is less to do with age and more to do with the balance of power having shifted. Women in the 70s often married young, much younger than we do now anyway, and divorce wasn’t quite so straightforward so I imagine there were a great many stuck in abusive situations they couldn’t see a way out of. His second wife was older and asserted her boundaries much more firmly I think. Not to blame my mum at all but the dynamic in their relationship was skewed from the off and impossible to change. I have a friend whose father was similar but is now a doting grandad and all seems to be forgotten. Sickens me to be honest,

Not normal.

I am the same age and my dad was and still is very volatile but I wouldn't say he was controlling really. We were often walking on eggshells and I moved out asap. I still feel really sad about it as my mum is still with him but a lot of family members don't visit as he is just so horrible to them. He doesn't ever seem to understand why.

It's weird but as soon as I wrote that down I felt scared that it was going to get back to him and he'd be angry. I'm almost 50!!

I'm a 70s child and my dad was nothing like this.

My mum was a bully when I was growing up. She is not like that now to me or my children. I'm pretty sure it's because as a child I couldn't get away but now it's our choice whether we see her and she knows it. I remember she had an "outside face" which was the face she showed to people outside the family. It was very sweet and pleasant and very different to how she was at home. It's the face we see now.

Your experience was very similar to mine whilst growing up. In my case my mother was the abusive bully but our father did very little to protect us.
Other people including teachers and grandparents were aware but it was more acceptable then.

Another one where it was my mum. My dad died when I was quite young, but even before that I remember my mum always being angry, impatient, resentful, mean. Always the comments such as 'whos looking at you anyway' when I got dressed up to go out', never told we were loved, always 'why cant you be more like X's daughter, shes such a decent girl always goes to church". Far more bothered about what the neighbours thought than whether I was happy.

I used to wonder why she'd bothered having children when she clearly didn't enjoy it.

She has also reinvented herself as a cuddly kind old lady, and will totally ignore any comments that paint her as a less than perfect mother, I heard her describe herself as a calm patient person recently and when I said that she was the total opposite for the whole of my childhood, she just said "oh I can't be bothered with all that any more". I can see it puzzles her we're not close but I'm fairly sure she thinks she was a good mother (perhaps because her parents were similar?) so won't have the insight to work it out.

My parents were awful. Im trying to deal with it now still in my 40s but kne of the things I most struggle with is my parents unawareness of it all.

My dad is middle class, well off, lives a good life, retired early, remarried, happy as larry, respectabble and everyone thinks hes wonderful. Good dinner party social circuit etc.

Its like when I go there I think I know the truth - how ocme I didnt get enough food/clothes/any attention/other issues when I lived with you and yet you live like this now? If challenged hed say it was in the past or would be angry if anyone suggested abuse, but it was.

Mum is in knots sometimes about how her issues (mental health and othera) affected us but wont directly accept that I had a shit childhood or some of the stuff I went through... its just about her. But she's not a brilliantly well person herself.

I can see reasons/explanations for both but I find it so hard that people dont see what I know and my lifes crumbled due to me being a product of neglect etc yet his is amazing.

I don't agree with your dh that that was the norm back then. It was dysfunctional then and now. I knew lots of families in the 70s/80s who were not like that

Things like smacking your dc and expecting a meal when you get home from work (and your work being the important one) were normal in the 70s, abusing your wife either physically or emotionally were not.

Some of your post resonates with me. My father would flip over small things and I was often beaten for minor things - mainly being rude or not doing what I was told. I was a swotty child with few friends, certainly not a rebel or trouble-maker. My father didn't abuse my mum (as far as I know) and had good relationships with neighbours - in fact, spent a lot of time helping an elderly neighbour.

It is a fact that corporal punishment was normalised in the 70s and 80s because it was an approved sanction in schools. If you look at, say, 'The Beano' comic from the 70s and 80s, most of the stories ended with the characters getting a slippering from dad or a caning from the teacher. It simply wasn't perceived as abusive in the way it is now. But of course, the degree and frequency of it could easily tip into abuse, even by the lower standards of the era.

The fact that it was normalised then doesn't mean it wasn't abusive or dysfunctional - it just means that more people were damaged by it.

@flouncyfanny I'm a similar age and childless as well...I see traits of my mother in myself and figured it's better not to take the risk of history repeating itself!

"My mum was a bully when I was growing up. She is not like that now to me or my children. I'm pretty sure it's because as a child I couldn't get away but now it's our choice whether we see her and she knows it. I remember she had an "outside face" which was the face she showed to people outside the family. It was very sweet and pleasant and very different to how she was at home. It's the face we see now."

I could have written this exceptmy mum still tries to bully me sometimes. Her outside face makes me cringe, my husband thinks she's lovely but I know it's all fake and it's horrible to watch