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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Looking for some advice.

24 replies

Sportster2019 · 27/09/2019 14:54

Hi,
This is a little bit of an unusual situation, and i'm a little unsure where to start with it.
I guess i'll start by saying that my wife and i have been together 16 years, and married for 10 years.
Our marriage has been generally pretty good but, in the last year and a half or so, things have definitely changed. My wife suffers from depression which certainly makes things harder but anyway, on to the concerns i have.
Around 2 years ago my wife came across a website that allowed you to write to prisioners in the USA, i found it a little odd but, this seemed to interest her and give her something to focus on so, given her depression, we thought it would be a good idea.
This is where the problem has started, she has written to quite a few different prisioners most of whom have stopped writting after a while however, there is one guy who she is still writting to, and has even flown over from here in the UK to visit, something i really wasn't happy with but, i'm her husband not captor.
Since comming back things have gone down hill rapidly. She texts him all the time and seems more interested in him than me!!
This was confirmed to me the other day when she said to me "he means as much to me as you do" honestly, she may as well have just stuck a knife in my heart, that killed me inside. I'm scared to bring it all up with her as we have already had a rocky patch in the last 4 months, thats all connected to this, so im worried she will just call it quits with our marriage.
I'm also sure she is texting other men, as she guards her phone strongly, and discretely turns it away from me if i get to close.
Last week it was our 10 year wedding anniversary, so i booked a week in New York for us, she spent a large portion of that trip texting this guy, which also really hurt me. I didn't say anything, as i wanted to keep the trip a happy one.
I'm looking for some advice on the best way to handle this situation, as i don't want my marriage to end but, it feels like it will if i confront her on this.
Any help or advice is greatly appreciated.
Thanks.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 27/09/2019 14:59

as i don't want my marriage to end but, it feels like it will if i confront her on this
You need to find your spine OP.
Where the fuck has it gone?
You are letting her treat you like a complete idiot and walk all over you.
Stop being her doormat - for the love of god!!!!
End this charade of a marriage.
Do you have children?
Do you both work full time?
Do you own the house you live in?

SHE IS TAKING THE PISS OUT OF YOU.
AND - you are enabling it!

Seedling111 · 27/09/2019 15:01

She's cheating on you. You need to leave her.

lexiepuppy · 27/09/2019 15:13

Wow! You let her fly out to U.S to visit a prisoner and how would that have gone down with your depressed wife, if you had chosen to do such a thing?
Then you took her to New York and let her text him?
You are far too kind, and you need to love yourself more. Did your mother walk all over your father? Is this the family dynamic? Love yourself more and walk away from this self absorbed , depressive and find yourself a loving woman and have a decent life.

Original poster

Sportster2019 · 27/09/2019 15:54

No we don't have children, yes we both work full time and yes we own our home.
I think deep down, i know that i need to confront her on this but i don't want things to end, as i love her. Things never used to be like this, it was all great until around 2 years ago.

OP posts:

lexiepuppy · 27/09/2019 16:19

It is so sad that you would rather put up with her manipulations and abuse than be on your own.
I suffer with depression and there's no way I could jump on a plane and go off and see a prisoner, whilst leaving the man I am supposed to Love, at home.
My guess is you are reliving your past in some way. Your wife is either like your mother or fathers personality and you are trying to rescue her and make it better.
Look up codependency.
So what happened 2 years ago that triggered this?

NewStart571 · 27/09/2019 16:21

She’s behaving appallingly. Please leave her. You deserve better.

Cherrypicker01 · 27/09/2019 16:37

Oh my god OP she’s treating you terribly.

You need to find out what is going on, if she is cheating. And act accordingly.

Did anything happen 2 years ago to make you go downhill?

Orangepearl · 27/09/2019 16:45

Is this a p take?

Cherrypicker01 · 27/09/2019 16:45

Sorry I’ve just realised that you probably meant since she started pen palling

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2019 16:48

Set yourself free from this sham of a marriage. Thank christ you don't have any children with her. Run, don't walk, to a solicitor.

ChristmasFluff · 27/09/2019 18:18

Check your bank balance too - most of these US prisoners have multiple women writing to them, who all think they are his one and only, and are all sending money.

Original poster

Sportster2019 · 27/09/2019 18:27

Cherrypicker01, yes it all started around the time my wife began writting to prisoners.
ChristmasFluff, we have already had an argument about money being sent, and i now pay VERY close attention to all transactions.
Orange pearl, no this isn't a piss take... i appreciate that everyone says leave, or why are you staying, and that is very easy to do when it isn't you dealing with it. Yes, i know i'm probably being stupid but, we have been together 16 years, this is the woman i plan on growing old with. There are many women i can live with, but only one i can'y live without. Soppy? Yes unmanly? Probably... but its true.

OP posts:

katalavenete · 27/09/2019 18:32

You thought it was a good idea for a vulnerable person to start corresponding with convicted and incarcerated criminals? Why? Have you never heard of grooming or exploitation?

MsPepperPotts · 27/09/2019 18:46

In my experience when someone checks out of a marriage there is absolutely nothing that you can do to that will convince them to change their mind.
She checked out 2years ago and has basically been having emotional affairs with other men.

You need to read up on Trauma Bonding because this is basically what has happened here with her manipulation and emotional abuse of you.
Make no mistake it is emotional abuse.

You may think you cannot live without her but at some point you are going to have to because she will take that decision out of your hands.

MsPepperPotts · 27/09/2019 18:55

You thought it was a good idea for a vulnerable person to start corresponding with convicted and incarcerated criminals? Why? Have you never heard of grooming or exploitation?

What a load of crap!

She's a grown woman who's holding down a full time job and made her own decision to correspond with prisoners.
She's not that depressed that she can get on a bloody plane on her own and visit a prisoner in the USA. She's definitely not vulnerable either.

She's a typical person who wants excitement outside of her marriage and is happy to put her spouse through the trauma.
If this were a woman posting this there would be no victim blaming going on that's for sure.

Original poster

Sportster2019 · 27/09/2019 20:17

Thank you for your comment MsPepperPotts. Some of the comments have felt like I'm being blamed for the situation.
I'm not looking for sympathy or to be labled a 'victim' all i want to try and do is continue being with the person i love, and was hoping some people may be able to offer some advice for getting things back on track.

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 27/09/2019 20:29

Do you know anything about this criminal your wife has brought into your lives? Do you know what crime he committed and when (if) he will be released?

Mobile phones are prohibited in US prisons, so this man is texting her on an illegally obtained phone.

Your wife is treating you with utter contempt. So far there have been no consequences for her, so she believes you will take no action. I would tell her you need space to consider your options.

lexiepuppy · 27/09/2019 21:16

If you want some advice on how to get things back on track.

Set boundaries with her. (No flights to U.S and no corresponding with criminals.)
You go to relate/counselling of some description.
You discuss your relationship openly and both get on board with starting afresh and not keeping secrets and trusting and respecting eachother.

That said can I offer 3 more pieces of relationship advice?

You cannot force someone to love you.
The only behaviour you can control is your own.
The only person that can make you truly happy is yourself.

Good luck.

SparklyMagpie · 27/09/2019 21:30

Agree with what @MsDogLady has written here.

Original poster

Sportster2019 · 27/09/2019 22:12

Thanks for all the comments, i guess its time i put on my big boy pants, and have the conversation about what is happening, and if it doesn't go how i would hope it will, i guess its best to do the next bit, like pulling off a plaster???

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 27/09/2019 22:29

Yes indeed.
I loved my ExH.
Massively.
15 years together and a wonderful daughter.
Cheated.
Deal breaker.
Fuck of.
It is easy if you make it easy.
If you respect yourself.
If you won't tolerate bullshit.
If you know when someone is taking the piss out of you.
If you have good boundaries.

Original poster

Sportster2019 · 27/09/2019 23:43

Thanks for the advice hellsbellsmelons

OP posts:

Minionmomma · 28/09/2019 00:41

What @hellsbellsmelons said.

I have spent ten years too long in a marriage with a person who has taken me for granted. I eventually reached a low point recently where I knew that I could no longer tolerate being treated like shit. I’m a nice person and I deserve better.

So do you. Know your worth.

This does not necessarily have to mean the end of your marriage but your wife needs a serious, serious wake up call. I’ve a feeling though that she’s too heavily invested in these odd relationships (emotional affairs) with overseas convicts to realise what she stands to lose with you... I’m sorry to say that. I know you say you love her but soon the anger will build in you and it will erode the positive feelings you have towards her.

Original poster

Sportster2019 · 28/09/2019 01:37

Thanks for your input minionmomma.

OP posts:

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