What do you do when you feel like you don’t matter to anyone

[Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain]

Went away, out of the country. Alone. It was amazing!

But the day of my birthday it hit me like a train - I’m so alone. I think everyone thinks I’m ok, and I’m not. Still. Two years of good psychotherapy and I’m still on my own. And I know it’s my own fault, I won’t be with just anyone, so here I am.

My family aren’t brilliant, I’ve backed off massively this year hoping they’d put some effort in...nothing happened, and one of my sisters has stopped bothering at all now.

None of my friends are single and without kids, late thirties, like me, so I don’t think anyone really understands how I feel. I’m really struggling to see what the point is to any of this. Sobbing as I type, and I’m so sorry to sound so self pitying today.

What can I do? Does anyone else feel like this? Maybe I need to give in, get some antidepressants.

Massive, huge hug to you. I'm not going to wish you happy birthday because you are sobbing and so it wouldn't feel right at this moment.

I think you are amazing to go travelling by yourself. Where did you go and what was the best bit about it?

Do you work? What do you do?

I don't know what we do in these situations except try to find happiness somehow.

I'm mid-30s single with aging parents. I teach and I'm trying to take comfort in knowing that the students I have genuinely adore me and that I'm much loved by little children and elderly people in my community. I play a valuable part in society. It doesn't make up for having no partner or children of my own and I am extremely lonely. Life feels empty. But I am important too, just as you are.

No doubt people will come along in droves telling you to try new hobbies and travel alone and do a million other things you are probably already doing.

I think all we can really do is try and find as much happiness in the small things. I plan on getting a kitten soon so at least I have something that loves me and that I can go home to at the end of the day.

I'm also having counselling which is helping me to find self worth from other areas than the love of others.

Anyway, you aren't alone. And I am thinking of you on your birthday and wishing you find some happiness soon x

It's hard, OP.

I'm single - have been for years so no reason to assume it'll change any time soon - I do have children (20 and 14) but I feel a lot of guilt for not providing them with the life/family they deserve. I dont derive 'comfort' from them, as such, although I love them.

I have hobbies - every night of the week is taken up with hobbies, friends (both mine and 14 yos) but the loneliness is still there.

I don't have any family and few true friends.

I've been I'll since last Thursday - off work and barely left the house. Do you know how many people have been in touch? Asked me how I am? Or whether I need anything? None. Not. One.

You're not alone

From personal experience families can be pretty useless at keeping in contact so your definitely not alone there. I'm pretty sure I'd never hear from my sister if she didn't want something. From what I've read it sounds like you have your head screwed on correctly! Don't settle for anyone just to have company however do think about a hobby or interest which may open some new doors in terms of forming friendship. Hugs to you xx

I feel very much like this too OP. I'm mid-30s, no kids and I spend a lot of time on my own and have recently been feeling very lonely. I am trying now to connect with old friends and make new ones but it's hard.

I think it is possible to get out there and try to make new connections but I will admit it's hard. Where are you from?

I was on my own for 8 years, not in a relationship and feel even more alone in the relationship as I never get to see him.

I must have spent months locked in my house reading books and watching crappy tv when I wasn't at work. It got to the point where I would work extra hours free just so I wasn't going home to an empty house. All my friends have families and partners so the single friend isn't really a priority to them. It wears you down especially this time of year.

Its so hard, I hope you feel better soon.

I’m sorry there are so many who feel the same. Thank you for the hugs.

Margo I went to Rome. I’ve travelled a little as a solo but never for the entire trip before and it was quite empowering. The food was gorgeous, so much beauty and culture. I need to go back to do everything I wanted to 😂

OldWoodenBox, I know exactly what you mean about being ill and no one checking you’re ok. That’s a key phrase there too - true friends.

Summersolstice43 - I stay in a lot, if I go out alone I’ll end up spending money! That short lived high I get from new clothes 🙄

I miss holding someone’s hand, long hugs that don’t have to lead to sex and feeling ‘held up’ by someone. I miss having someone by my side.

After my marriage break up I went abroad alone for 3 months and went to language classes while there. I was there on my birthday and was fine on the day, as I'd planned some lovely things to do. But I remember it really hitting me once. I had to leave the class that day as I felt really ill, this was on a Friday. Anyway, we were all in a whatsapp group together (we were only a small group) and despite sending a couple of messages to the group over the weekend, no one responded. I was really hurt that no one just sent a quick "hope you're feeling better". It hit me so hard, I was devastated! I knew my reaction was disproportionate to the situation but I felt so alone. So I do get where you're coming from.

What I will say, is be honest with your friends. On the Monday when I went back to class, I spoke to one woman who'd been the nicest up until then and told her I was a bit hurt that no one asked how I was. She was really nice about it and said she admired my openness and honesty! From that point onward's she and I were a lot closer and we're still friends now. People will think you're "ok" if you never tell them the truth. But I realised you can find support in unexpected places. It doesn't replace having a partner, I won't pretend it does. But not putting on an "act" all the time of pretending you are fine does relieve a lot of pressure.

ikr, all alone here in a country I moved to for the ex.
Spend every holiday, birthday alone. Thought about going back home for the holidays but nobody really wanted me there. My parents have passed. DC grown with lives of their own.

I know I need to do something besides wasting my life alone in this house.
Seems to be many of us. Would be nice to form a group for us "orphans".

Me! I split with exh 3 years ago, was seeing someone but he didn't have a car and I work so didn't see each other much........I feel like if I disappeared no one would notice

Can I join the group? I'm 40, unhappily married which feels very lonely. Moved to another country for his job and have no friends here, only a couple of acquaintances. He travels a lot for his job, long haul. He's seeing fantastic places like Japan and I'm sat here talking to the cat.
Had friends back in the UK but they don't make much effort to keep in touch even though it's so easy these days. Have visited UK lots of times but only one friend made the effort to come here. I know that's my problem and not their fault but it still feels shit.
I feel like the invisible woman. Don't have a job because I don't speak the language, trying to learn but it's HARD and heart not really in it.
I don't like where we live.
I feel like such a waste of space.
I've put loads of weight on and can't motivate myself to do anything.
I just want a friend to talk to. Have a laugh with. Even if it's just online.

I felt like this when I was in my 20’s. Felt really depressed. I lived by myself for about 8 years. In the end I just kept busy and tried not to think about it too much. I started going to night classes. I took up watercolour painting and yoga. I’ve always been a good swimmer so later joined by local swimming club and trained with them 3 times a week. I can’t say it fixed everything, but it got me out and talking to people instead of sitting in dwelling on things. The swimming also got me a lot fitter and made me feel better about myself.

Eventually an opportunity came up through work and they funded me to build on my degree and do a graduate diploma. It meant stopping away a week every 2 months. It was great I got to feel like a student again for those weeks. I also spent the evenings socialising with the friends I made instead of by myself. In the 3rd year I got together my now husband and father to my two young girls.

My point is you don’t know what is round the corner, things might get better. Just because you’re older than I was doesn’t mean it won’t happen, my friend got together with her partner in her late 30’s and is now pregnant with her 1st child (she will be 40 when the baby is born).

Hope things work out well for you Op.

I felt like this so I left my job (which was me in an office with one unsociable older person) and I went to University in my 30’s. Best thing I did. Find a sociable course. Nursing, paramedics, teaching something like that in a sociable city like Bristol, Birmingham, Brighton. Pick somewhere that has a great students union, postgrad society and loads going on. You won’t be lonely for long

Hi OP. I'm sending you a hug as I know exactly how you feel.

I don't have much contact with my family, I'm single and I see friends occasionally. I work long hours and go to bed early and wake up early so I don't have the energy to do hobbies during the week. It's too late for me to have a family and I am trying to get over some heart break.

Could it be the autumn weather and thinking about winter and Christmas that has also made you fed up? I've felt particularly lonely this week.

I think all you can do is keep on keeping on. See your GP if you need too, go on dates when you are ready, go on other holidays. You just have to try and enjoy yourself as much as you can as life is short.

You never know what is around the corner. I now have something to look forward to in a few weeks and I hope you feel cheerier soon

I really sympathise. I did a similar thing for my birthday last year as I’ve always enjoyed travelling alone, but ended up having an emotional breakdown due to loneliness while I was away, which was very unpleasant. I have lots of friends but nobody special in my life and haven’t for years. It feels incredibly lonely and pointless.