Messy divorce- Advice please?

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I told my husband 8 months ago that I wanted a divorce & it pretty much broke him.
I was surprised just how hurt he was as we hadn’t had a happy marriage for a few years leading up to that point.
He’s refused to get himself a solicitor even when the paper work started coming through from my solicitor to him.
We’re now at the point where when I try to talk to him he accuses me of harassing & bullying him and he goes into shut down mode.
We have 2 children & own our home. He refuses to move out & wants me & the kids to go. He sees it as as I haven’t contributed anything money wise to the house it should be his. Excuse me for having time off to raise his kids!
He’s now saying that we should sell the house & split it.
I hate the thought of my children losing their home & their dad at the same time but I also hate the thought of having him forcibly evicted by the courts, never mind how much money that would cost in the end on top of the divorce.
How can I make him see sense? He’s always been very controlling in most things & I think he’s worried that if he moves out I’ve won.
I just want the chance for our children to see what a happy healthy relationship is like between adults & not what they’ve seen in the past.

You can divorce someone whilst under the same roof . You separate all previous wife functions , so no laundry, cooking or shopping for him, and defo no sex. You can even claim tax credits in this set up. Eventually the law/divorce will prevail and someone will have to go - not usually the primary caregiver. It could be by the police if the property were ruled to be your home, and him a trespasser, but most likely he'd see sense by then, have some pride and move on.

How can I make him see sense?

Or, to put it another way, how can I make him see that he should walk away from everything he's worked for, while I keep the house and he has to start again with nothing?

Um....you probably can't. His suggestion that you sell the house and split the proceeds is a reasonable starting point - he is seeing sense. You will need to look at what each of you needs by way of a financial outcome. You will both need to be able to afford to live, and to provide a home for the kids so that they can spend time with both of you. The kids are not losing their dad - he is still their dad, and he needs a settlement that allows him to be so, just as much as you do. Ultimately, you each ought to see a solicitor to get a sense of what a reasonable financial settlement would look like. But, if you are truly expecting him to just move out and walk away, while you get the lot, you may need to adjust your expectations...

Keep going through your solicitor and eventually the court to agree a financial settlement. If you're able to buy him out of his share (prob less than 50% of equity as you'll continue to be primary carer) then the court is almost certain to rule that you pay him and he leaves.

If he doesn't want this to happen then you have to make it happen. You won't be able to reason with him and make him put some effort in, so your only option is to push on and the system will do his side for him is need be.

It certainly sounds like you will have to sell the house and split the proceeds down the middle, you may even get less as you haven't contributed financially to the mortgage.

I divorced 9 years ago and I had to move out of the family home as my name wasn't on the mortgage even though I was paying my share including all bills and I wouldn't have been able to afford the monthly payments on my own. The solicitor even wrote into the initial separation paper work that I wasn't going to get a penny from him and it was re-iterated in the divorce which, years down the line, has worked in my favour as it also means he cannot gain anything financially from me in future too including pensions etc.

Good luck with things but it certainly sounds like you may come off worse here.

You can't make him see sense if he has had controlling behaviours.

Has he now started to get legal advice? Selling the house is probadly likely and actually not a dreadful suggestion. It really does depend on the finances but it is quite common to have to sell.

How old are the DC? If they are school age then return to work would be a good idea asap.
Does he have a pension?

It certainly sounds like you will have to sell the house and split the proceeds down the middle, you may even get less as you haven't contributed financially to the mortgage.

This isn't necessarily the case, summersoltice and If you had dc with your ex it sounds as if you were badly advised.

If you're unable to buy him out and maintain a mortgage on your own, it could be that the family home may need to be sold, OP. What has your solicitor advised with regard to finances?

If you are the primary carer, I would seek to negotiate for a 80/20 in your favour split of the equity in the home and settle for 70/30, plus half of his pension and any other financial assets acquired during your marriage, together with provision for child maintenance.

It sounds as if he's got his head in the sand, but sooner or later he'll see the wisdom of instructing solicitors. Has your petition been served on him?

My biggest advice would be to avoid the courts if you can. I do appreciate its not always possible. Courts are expensive and stressful places. Kids are more resilient then we give them credit for. In your shoes, and having been dragged through the courts twice, I'd sell and split the proceeds and make a clean start.

On the divorce he'll have to either sign the papers, or if you can wait a few more years, once served will be enough to get a divorce through. Good luck! (Oh I was also married to a controlling man and now know to pick my battles carefully for the sake of my own mental health!)

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to this.
It’s good to hear people’s opinion who aren’t friends or family. Your words have made me realise that yes maybe I am being unreasonable in expecting him to just walk away easily. It’s been going on 8 months now & it’s getting harder and harder to pretend everything is ok.
I am working 9-3 mon to fri so will be able to support the 3 of us when things are finally sorted.
Thanks again 😊

If you know that he has received your petition to divorce but hasn't signed the relevant paperwork, you can apply to the court to have it deemed served in order to obtain a decree nisi.

You will need to wait 43 days from the date the nisi was decreed before applying for a decree absolute, but it's inadvisable to apply for the absolute until financial and child related matters have been resolved.

You cannot "avoid" the courts, but if you are able to resolve the financial and child related matters in an equable manner the judge can effectively sign off your divorce rather than having to sit in judgement as the pair of you argue back and forth.

If you're unable to reach agreement between you and your solicitor(s), you will most probably be advised to attend mediation and attempt to achieve resolution before racking up what could be a very hefty legal bill.

By avoiding the courts I mean the whole FDR. It’s a very expensive process. If you agree amicably then it can of course be signed off.

Mediation will have to happen before court anyway as you need a MIAM cert at the very least, unless there are circumstances such as domestic abuse and then you don’t.

The more you can agree amicably the better!

All spoken from recent experience!