Ok so,
I've been with my partner for 25 years, over the last 13 or 14 years life become stressful when we our oldest son began to exhibit quite violent behaviour. He was diagnosed with ASD and began to get some (very little) help through CAMHS. His frustration would turn to anger and quite often violent tantrums.
His tantrums would result in him biting, kicking, punching his mother and myself, breaking things....-and also became self directed (banging his head on the floor, hitting himself). We had been to CAMHS for years and years and they offered the option of anti0-psychotic medication, which my partner refused (she works in mental health and sees the harm and side effects of these medications).
Our son is now 15 and he refuses to accept his diagnosis, lacks insight and refuses any kind of support, at school and CAMHS - and is mortified at the notion that anyone at school will find out he has a diagnosis for ASD.
He is constantly abusive to me - and his mother (although he hasn't been as extreme to her over the past few months). He will call me names, spit at me, punch me ....and often will sneak up behind me to punch me in the back of the head and then throw a glass of water at me before running off and calling me abusive names.
For years my partner tried to stop me from communicating with our son as she was worried that if i challenged his behaviour he would have a violent outburst . This resulted in me having to step on egg shells constantly and have to deal with the constant abuse.
I was told that the police were not to be called - and while CAMHS knew of the level of abuse there was nothing put in place by them to protect me.
While this was going on (for years) we moved house to an area where our son could get into a school that was more inclusive. (he didn;t have a statement as he was academically gifted and there was no recognition of that point of the emotional and social aspects of an SEN statement).
We moved into a rented house....which I paid the majority of bills for, and our own house was meant to be rented out.
My partner refused to rent our house (with the mortgage on) out to anyone in case they caused any damage....and eventually agreed for one friend to stay there. She refused point blank to rent out to more tenants..
So, for 3 years i had the equivalent of £1600 a month in bills to pay...bills, rent, mortgage, ( after 1 tenant small amount) while my partner paid around £400 a month - (including car and car ins, tax, etc).
I earned around £2300 a month and this eventually began ti break me as I was working full time, decorating our owned home with the intention of then selling it - and dealing with our abusive son - who was constantly berating, verbally abusing me and hitting me,.
During this period of time I was also bending over backwards to please my partner as she worked part time but in a stressful job, had a lot of confidence issues, depression....but was constantly sniping at me, always angry at me, not willing to show any emotion or intimacy towards me. (it was at the point where our son slept in our bed as he was too anxious to be on his own - with a new school where he had no friends from his old school)
The environment was toxic to say the least and often when there was an argument she would tell me the relationship was over, that I was a piece of fucking shit and on a number of occasions would pull at me, kick and hit me. Not on one occasion but a number.
When I mentioned that this was abuse she would laugh and ay that i was a man and that even saying that was abuse was being pathetic and being a wuss. Eventually she would then cry and say that I was the only person she even reacted to this way etc..
With all the stress I had a breakdown and began to gamble, when she found out she laughed at my face and called me pathetic telling me that I needed to rake responsibility for my life and not blame other people for my problems.
A this point my mother was diagnosed with cancer.....and it was also bringing up memories of the abusive childhood I had.
As a child I has an eating disorder and speech imprediment because my mother used to beat me, often pulling me by the hair and punching me in the face (to the point where I had school photographs with makeup covering the black eye or bruises she gave me).
My mother had post natal depression and was an alcoholic with a wayward husband.
Anyway, I eventually found out that my partner was having an affair and had been for 4.5 years. When I found out she went into a panic, eventually claimed that she had been groomed by this work colleague as he could see was lonely isolated and with a difficult homelife.
He came to my work to see me and was angry because he had been told constantly that she would leave me - that she needed more time, and had just gone full time and was saving money
We had a major series of reconnections - and agreed to try and make it work between us - then a period of hyserical bonding.
Now after 9 months it feels like its slipping back again....even today when I mentioned the fact that she wouldn't let me rent the house out to take pressure off me financially she argued that she can't be constantly reminded etc, that she's moved on so why haven't I
The ironic thing is that financially I would pay for most things, holidays, DIY, and then if I used some money from the joint account every penny eould be accounted for and I would be pressured as to why i has used £5 from joint money to go to the shop.
It's recently I've begun to reflect on the emotional abuse I've suffered - from the childhood trauma of being an abuse victim to then being abused, physcically, emotionally and financially - by my partner.....and also having to just accept the emotional and physical abuse from my son. (this also reminds me of the abuse I faced from my older brother who would hit me daily until he moved out).
Why am I so weak that I have allowed myself to become a victim again....and reply my own childhood trauma again as an adult but this time with my mother's role taken by my parner and my violent brothers role as my son!!
What is wrong with me??
Is this an abusive relationship - how do i resolve this - or should I try and leave, although financially I'm just not sure how!!
Help me please x