Finance - is this going to break us up ?

[KazC]

Recently taken voluntary redundancy because I was desperately unhappy at work away from kids. So far so good.

In the process of selling flat as we are going to have to downsize considerably as my income was the same as partner and we have a large mortgage.

But having had time to reflect and inspect our incredibly complicated finances realise that i don't trust my partner when it comes to money and his attitude towards it is childish mostly and at times downright irresponsible and deceitful. The worst example is I test drove an expensive second hand car as we wished something a little more capcious. I told him I didn't like the handling and he went ahead without my knowledge and put a £1000 deposit on it. It was too b*y expensive. Or the time we had a serious conversation about money and we agreed that his personal expenses would be £500 a month, his immediate reaction was to take out a £5000 loan and arrange for the direct debit to come out of our joint account... AAAArgh

If I stay with him then I know that we are going to end up in horrendous debt and I am not prepared to put me and the kids through that. So am about to issue an ultimatum to him, if he doesn't show me some evidence of change then I will be taking my half of the equity and the kids. I am lucky in that I have quite wealthy parents whom I know will support me to a certain extent.

Any thoughts, any advice or positive suggestions ?

Your post speaks volumes KazC. finances are definitely one of the biggest problems for couples and I think you may have really hit it dead on when you say that you have lost trust in him - and after the incidents you wrote about I don't blame you! I would say, if you are going to stay in the relationship some counselling is in order. When you are upset, it seems like leaving is the best solution - and sometimes it is. I waited far too long to divorce my first husband. But, with children, it is so much more difficult so just be really really sure that is what you want. Would he be willing to go to a marriage counsellor with you?

I agree with woodstock. This is one of the best issues to seek counselling on. Since you will not be earning an income any more, you will be dependent on him, which will obviously change the playing field. Your DH may feel he is justified in ignoring any ideas you may have on managing the finances going forward. Good luck. Everyone says that money is issue that most couples fight about.

Thanks ladies, i am amazed how calm I am about this. I will speak to him.

but do you love him? It is a horrible situation but is this an excuse to leave or could it just be the one thing that irritates you about him...

I don't know really. There is a man in there who is kind, generous, funny, sexy and intelligent. However it is covered with so much crap from his past which although he says it is all dealt with still runs deep and continues to hurt. There are other issues as well - mostly to do with responsibility, I take it and he behaves like a big kid. Obviously I have been compliant and indulged the kid in him in the past, so I am to blame to a certain extent as well.

Any way the subject is now out in the open, not as I wanted to tell him but I blurted it out on the phone. So many times in the past I have bottled it and not followed through on my threats, comments..

The stuff about Counselling sounds good and positive as I think we are just going to talk round and round in circles on our own, because he just doesn't get it.

Anybody been to Counselling for similar ? Did it work ?

Well he has just admitted that he does have a problem and doesn't see why anyone would save. He has also admitted that this is his issue and that he has to deal with it. I've just let him know that until he proves to me that things have changed I will not be buying a new house with him.

Ooops just realised admitted my real identity, ah well...