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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dealing with emotionally unavailable man

23 replies

Confused45yearold · 26/09/2019 22:07

I was seeing someone for about five months. It was just brilliant at first and he seemed really keen.
He ended it and then came back. Then he ended it again. Reason given was work then also that he didn't want anything serious. Still wanted to be friends but it didn't work as when we saw each other the inevitable happened.
Didn't see each other for a month. Then we met up again at an event and I ended up sleeping with him. We have carried on doing this for a while now. He is on all the dating sites. I brought this up with him and he said he didn't want anything serious. I asked him why he was on there and he didn't know. I asked if he was looking for someone better and he said there isn't anyone better yet hes still actively looking for dates.
We talk a lot and he has opened up to me about a lot of things.
I'm finding it ridiculous but also can't end it. He is hot and cold and the only way I can describe it is like a yoyo. He keeps coming back. At the moment I feel used.
I know I should just tell him where to go but it's not that easy. Has anyone had a positive outcome from this kind of situation? Im driving myself mad here.

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 26/09/2019 22:09

He wants to keep having sex with you but not a relationship. There will only be a positive outcome if that is what you also want

highinthesky · 26/09/2019 22:12

At the moment I feel used.

Because that is what you are being. You know the best (and possibly hardest) thing to do is go cold on him and instead have a relationship with someone that values you.

Interestedwoman · 26/09/2019 22:16

He's a tw*t. Move on to the next. x

MadamBatty · 27/09/2019 08:58

He’s not your friend. A friend wouldn’t tear you this way. He’s using you. Fine if that’s what you want?

Go cold turkey, block, ignore, move on

hellsbellsmelons · 27/09/2019 09:03

I know I should just tell him where to go but it's not that easy
Yes it is.
Stop fantasizing that this is something it isn't.
He wants you as his booty call and that's exactly what he's achieved.
He's on sites looking for more sex with other women.
He's a twat.
He's probably a narcissist.
You are enabling this.
You are allowing him to use you.
No-brainer OP.
Block, ignore, delete.
Find someone worthy of you.
Get yourself some counselling to understand why you think this is all you deserve!!! Your self-esteem needs a huge boost and this guy will just keep dragging you down.

IDontBelieveYou · 27/09/2019 09:03

Why would you let someone treat you this way?

scoobydoo1971 · 27/09/2019 09:41

I hope you have been using protection during your romps. If he is on dating sites, he may have met other women and be a walking public health disaster. He only wants to see you for the physical side, and offers no hope of commitment. Listen to what he tells you, and block him. If you don't see him, you cannot sleep with him. He is not your friend, but he will only continue to treat you badly if you let him.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/09/2019 09:44

You’re being used, and - kindly said - you need to wake up.

He doesn’t love you, he isn’t going to fall in love with you, you will do for now, and he absolutely is waiting someone he considers ‘better’.

Get in touch with your self respect and end this for good.

Chocolate123 · 27/09/2019 09:46

He keeps coming back because you keep sleeping with him. If you are happy being a FB that's fine if not which it sounds like you want more stop sleeping with him.

Techway · 27/09/2019 09:52

When you asked him of he was looking for someone better, did you think he would tell you the truth?

His reasons for dating are simple, either a player or he isn't into you and you are a "just for now" woman.

Don't try to find any deeper meanings in his behaviour. He is sleeping around because he can and he wants to. You don't gain respect by allowing someone to treat you badly.

flingingmelon · 27/09/2019 09:57

They don't change. Go find someone lovely.

ChristmasFluff · 27/09/2019 10:05

When actions don't match words, then the truth is the worst-case scenario. [I've put this, because there are people who tell their pseudo-partner that they don't want anything serious, and the pseudo-partner will say, 'but I've met his parents/we've double-dated with his best friend/we've booked a holiday!' etc - but in this case the words are true and the actions are the person 'playing' at a relationship]

So he has said he isn't looking for anything better - but he is active on dating apps.

He has said he doesn't want anything serious, and you are somehow not taking that at face value.

He blows hot and cold because he sometimes has other people he is more interested in and sometimes he doesn't.

I've never known a ;positive outcome from this sort of situation. He won't suddenly 'wake up' and see what a catch you are - he is valuing you at your own estimation - and you are showing you will accept really poor treatment. He's using you because he can, and that's why you feel used.

Dump him. Not because that will 'wake him up' either, but because it is the biggest gift you could give yourself right now. It is a demonstration to yourself of your own value.

parababe · 27/09/2019 10:06

Exactly what @Techway said..... what are you expecting him to say to your question 'why are you on the dating site'? its obvious that he is on there because he wants to meet more women to have sex with..... But do you expect him to tell you that....? Why would you even want to stay friends with someone who has treated you like this....? You are his booty call, that is all. Which is fine if that is a mutual choice for both of you but its not. It seems obvious that you want more than he is prepared to give you but you don't seem to want to acknowledge that. If you don't like it, you have the choice to walk away (not staying 'friends') or stay and feel like shit all the time and have to deal with the crap feelings you will get when he's off shagging other women. You deserve better that that!

FizzyGreenWater · 27/09/2019 10:10

Well you are being used!

Stop turning yourself inside out trying to interpret things any other way - it will burn you.

'We talk a lot and he has opened up to me about a lot of things' - here's a good example. Old as the hills and can be directly translated as 'acted intimate to keep you thinking he's invested.'

Judge him by his ACTIONS. Not sweet words or pillow talk.

He's using you - if you just want sex fine, if you want more then block him.

unknownn · 27/09/2019 10:16

Hunny he is on other dating sites to find more women to sleep with. You are just another one on his list. Don't fall for any words this man charms you with

He even admitted he doesn't want anything serious.. if he says there isn't anyone better than you, then is that not obvious to you that he just wants to sleep around? Otherwise he would be working on a relationship with you?

Please dont be naive, dont let the excitement and infatuation you have with this man cause you to lose all self respect, and throw your future away.

Amazonfromkent · 27/09/2019 10:29

OP, please listen to all of the above advice. This happened to me but I didn't listen. Result - depression, drink, tears, nervous breakdown. Wasted years. Beware!

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/09/2019 11:24

He's not emotionally unavailable. He's emotionally unavailable to you.

One day he's going to meet someone he's interested in, and you will be ghosted off the planet. Fine, if you are using him too for a bit of lively fun, but if you are catching feelings you will be devastated.

End it now, on your terms. Don't wait for him to do it.

Techway · 27/09/2019 11:49

acted intimate to keep you thinking he's invested

@FizzyGreenWater, that should lesson Nos1 in pre-dating school!

Jennifer2r · 27/09/2019 17:14

I date lots of people with a view to not settling down. But I am honest and if someone says they have feelings for me I'll be honest about what I want. He's stringing you along and you're letting him.

Highandlow · 27/09/2019 17:42

Block permanently , you deserve better .

Minionmomma · 28/09/2019 00:52

He’s just not that into you. I’m sorry to say it but it’s the truth. You can either hang around and be his back up plan or sack him off and open up the possibility of something more respectful and meaningful for you xx

Littlefrog99 · 28/09/2019 01:02

No I don't know of any time this scenario has worked out. You've had some really good advice above, just walk away. He's told you already he's not after anything serious. That means he just wants a fuck now and again. He is using you but you get to decide if you're going to let him. He's not worth the effort of wondering what could be, he'll never be yours no matter how much you want him to be.

Blueandlilac · 28/09/2019 10:28

Please, please forget him. I and others have been in the same situation. As previous posters have mentioned, if you just want something no strings attached every now and again then fine, but it sounds (understandably) that you've gotten attached to him.
There are men out there who would never leave you second guessing, who wouldn't be on all the sites whilst 'seeing' you, who won't blow hot and cold.
It's hard to find these kinds of men but they are out there, just takes a bit longer. I'm almost 30 and Ive been let down so many times by men, but I still have hope.
He's really not worth it. I hope you will soon meet someone better :)

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