Abuse can affect anyone

[LaPeste]

By posting this I don't think I'm saying anything novel, but I wanted to share something I saw from my circle of friends. I recently found about a good friend who was being physically and verbally abused by her partner, which is sadly all too common. She has now left him, which is great, although as they have children together, it's not going to be easy.

My friend is the complete opposite of what you might imagine as the victim of abuse - educated, professionally right at the top of a super competitive and demanding field, popular, financially secure. Her partner, is also a "lovely" guy on the surface, although I think I spotted a flash of anger once when we were with them.

It struck me as just how vulnerable anyone can be to abuse, and the victims should never, ever blame themselves.

That's all. I don't think this is novel, but I just thought it was interesting to share.

Thank you for sharing. Well done on your friend getting out.

Your title is wrong though. Three types of people, narcissists, empaths and normals.

Normals are unlikely to be abuse target as their narc supply isnt strong enough.

Narcs by default can never be abused.

Empaths are ALWAYS abused if they are unaware. As about 25% of the population are emps you could say that 25% of the uk is experiencing domestic abuse.

25%!!!!!

Why aren't we marching on Downing St again?

25% includes empathic children.

Many abusers are absolute dolls to their family, friends and the general public. Their domestic partner gets the brunt of their rage and a sceptical eye when the partner attempts to disclose the abuse. Couldn't be, he's lovely!

Street angel house devil.

Indeed, abusers span the socio-economic spectrum, therefore so do their victims.

75Renarde, what qualifies you to say this?

I have recently been beaten up and I don't think that I am an empath. I don't believe that the person who did it is a narc.
It is bad enough having to deal with what happened without being labelled.

Thats a bit silly isn't it now 75?

Everyone has something they struggle with- I think it all boils down to how you feel about yourself. It just manifests in different ways....

My friend is the complete opposite of what you might imagine as the victim of abuse - educated, professionally right at the top of a super competitive and demanding field, popular, financially secure.

Actually, that's not the complete opposite of a victim of abuse, in fact, that's a classic victim of abuse. The higher their victims are, the more satisfaction the perpetrator gets in abusing them to rock bottom.

Yes that is a typical victim. Educated , intelligent , kind.

Why do victims of domestic violence leave only to end up with some else the same? I understand why it's so hard to leave. And it's always said it's never the woman's fault. But why do some women keep ending up with these types of men?

Cause they are vulnerable to abuse usually from poor family backgrounds with low self esteem and confidence.

Yes lets just pop the sorting hat back in the cupboard shall we.....

One of the highest flying people I know is the worst victim of abuse and coercive control from his wife that I have ever seen.

@Orangepearl sometimes , not always.

I'm highly-educated, at the top of my game (now) and am horribly empathic. I was beaten physically , emotionally and sexually for years. I think of my ex as Hannibal Lecter. Nobody realised what he was capable of. Funnily enough except the police.

Orange, I think the reason OP posted was precisely to dispel that myth, probably on the back of another thread where to OP is being abused and musing that it doesn't happen to people like her.

Which is why educated and financially comfortable women often find it hard to speak out about their abuse.

A friend of mine, who is exceeding U, and has a fairly well-known sibling came from an horrifically abusive home. Abusers come from across the social spectrum, and it shouldn't be hushed, it should be spoken about.

Absolutely .
It’s also tricky if you come from the absolute opposite of an abusive home.
It’s hard to recognise abusive behaviour if you’ve never experienced anything like it .
And it’s easy for an abuser to suggest this behaviour is ‘normal’, (eg "everyone’s husband smash stuff when they’re angry! Just that most women don’t make their husbands so MAD!").
Doubting your own reality is a huge part of abuse.

I have been brought up in bad home. All three partners have been abusive. It must be me. Why all three of them? The first two were controlling and violent. The last controlling, emotionally abusive and financially. Drug addict. Dad was a drug addict to. Having a hard time thinking why?

I certainly don't think it's you Mumpower, have you thought about doing the freedom programme? If you've been surrounded by abuse all your life it can be very difficult to recognise the early signs of abuse and how to set appropriate boundaries for yourself.

You're not at fault, but it may take some work from you so that you don't leave yourself vulnerable to predators that would take advantage of your inability to recognise them for what they are.

Good luck to you.

I was horrendously abused and I didn't fit the pattern. When a colleague asked how I got my black eye and I said, 'my boyfriend punched me', she laughed, because she thought I was joking. I am SO far from the classic image of the meek mouse.

I did fit the pattern of 'super-traits' that Sandra L Brown talks about in her 'Women Who Love Psychopaths'. However, I do not see them as super-traits. I see them as vulnerabilities.

All but the most healthy people have vulnerabilities to abuse. That doesn't mean I was 'to blame' for being abused, but it does mean I tolerated then what I would not in a million years tolerate now.

Abusers have subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways of testing your boundaries from a first conversation onwards. They boundary-push, because they don't want to waste time on someone who won't stay in an abusive relationship, who won't take on responsibility for their 'stuff'.

They don't mind if your idea of being boundaried is to lecture and prescribe to them. They love that. What they don't want is someone who will walk away from them. They use our vulnerabilities to hook us, and then they turn them against us.

Often, if not always, vulnerabilities are due to childhood programming. The same things that lead us to achieve highly can lead us to stay in an abusive situation and call it love.

Healing those vulnerabilities is the only way to be sure of not falling into another abusive relationship, which is why things like the Freedom Programme are so useful.

Simply learning the 'red flag' lists doesn't work, because we can see the red flags, but those 'super-traits' will have us explaining them away. You only have to read these boards to see how red flags can be flying high in multiple places, and the OP just won't see it.

The victim is never to blame, but they do hold the key to their own healing and growth.

The freedom programme is a bunch of arse IMHO. I am writing my own version based on the work of HG Tudor. Which reminds me, I need to have that convo with him.

Someone said what qualifies me? Why on earth do we place such store on academic qualifications.

A degree cert is like an MOT. Only valid on the day its issued.

43 years of a combined abuses between my F and my ex-H. Ex-H raped and sexually assaulted me. On numerous occasions.

My understanding of DA over four decades qualifies me tbh. You are free to come to your own conclusions.

I've tried to kill myself three times in a decade. Because of the off the scale emotional pain I've suffered. I'm still here. My mission now is to help other sufferers of DA and DV. What marks me out as different is that I'm not only an experienced teacher of A Level Physics. I'm also a member of three professional bodies. I'm a FRAS. And a mother.

When you finally grasp the full picture. Well.

Let's repeat that stat.

25% of people are being abused are are vulnerable to further abuse.

Hope that answers peoples questions.