Am I being a pain?

[BetterEatCheese]

DH says I am being a pain. He said something to me this morning - think along the lines of 'the kids next door are noisy because their parents can't be bothered to parent them' - I said 'we don't always know the full story ...'

Apparently I am a pain as, in his words 'I didn't expect a lengthy discussion about it, just for you to say, yeah probably, and that's it.' I didn't agree with him though. He thinks I am a pain and is now disagreeing with everything I say to make a point.

This seems to be now we are all the time at the moment and it's driving me crazy.

Am I in the wrong and do other people just agree for a quiet life?

Yes I think they must do a lot of the time for an easy life. It’s exhausting otherwise although exh and I were much like this.

You sound entirely reasonable and he sounds like a right arse.

I also get this from my DP. She'll comment on something that she knows nothing about and then get arsey when I give my opinion on the subject.

Knowing the dynamic and understanding as I now do that she often doesn't mean what she says but is just "venting" I tend to stay quiet for an easy life. If I have my say then it's only going to turn into a petty row so yeah, I sometimes just keep my opinions to myself. But I don't often agree, although my smile and sometimes a nod might come across that way.

This is an isolated incident and I am sure you know full well in isolation it's not unreasonable.

But what he's telling you is you disagree with him every single time. If this is the Case then yes it's annoying.

Hmm I'm unsure whether it is me or not. I do disagree with him a lot but his opinions are very strong and flung out in such a way as invites a response. Maybe he is just venting and I need to ignore and maybe pick my battles.

I may be socially crap in that I don't see the issue in disagreeing when someone throws a random black and white opinion out there which they can't back up.

I think I may be a pain in the arse

Objectively he might have been stressed or irritated by the noise being made by the children. In which case he was looking for empathy not opinion or critique. A lot of people do this, there words belie their emotional state. It is worth be aware of it and being able to pause and consider a different approach than voicing your own opinion.

A different way to respond instead of contradiction, might be to ask more questions about how it makes him feel and why he has reached the conclusion they have. It’s presumably an over reaction to children who are just playing so there must be something more to it.

As to countering opinion with opinion, in my experience there is little point in doing this. Especially if you don’t respect each other’s opinions or rationale. If you are interested then explore their opinion, if not just leave it.

It's ok to disagree though. No one is saying other wise. The issue is if it's constant. It does get wearying. As said. None of us know how often you do it, but if you're contrary every time he speaks. And he can't make a throw away comment, then yeah, it's annoying.

Exp used to have this opinion of me - but I disagreed because he talked shit and he was wrong. He liked to just make things up as he went along. I'm not one that can just agree for a quiet life.

Obviously don’t know the detail
But I was married to someone who always had to have an opinion on whatever I said, and invariably it was disagreeing with me
It was a pain

He’s being a tool for phrasing a statement as a question

Thank you @LemonTT I really appreciate your response, lots to think about. I think we have slipped into a very disrespectful habit

That was a harmless comment of yours, it couldn't have been much more reasonable. He can't expect you to agree (especially on harmless things) all the time.

If anything, you were trying to pour oil on troubled waters- just towards the neighbourly relationship so you all can get on more smoothly, rather than in the direction he thought you 'should' go. He can't expect you to be obedient at all times.

I guess I'm a pain also for my boyfriend because I tend to give my opinion and disagreement to him rather a lot. But it is because in my eyes he is too critical, judgmental and sees everything in black and white and it annoys me. If I hear him saying something unfair, I have a hard time holding myself back. In case of your example, I would have done the exact same thing as you did. He also has a habit of giving opinions about random people who we see during walking or whereever, like (totally random, but the point is the same) "He must be a poor pointless person because he wears black hoody". Then I'm like why the hell you give judgments over what someone wears. I try to ignore these comments now more, but before I always said like "well, he might be whatever, by the way you also have a black hoody". Or like there might be a poor family shown in TV and he would say "no wonder they are poor, she is so fat that she eats all their money". Then I'm again like wtf, why does he has to say things like this. And I would say "Well perhaps she has an illness, you do not know what is going on". Or "women do this or that" and I'm again like "well I am a woman and I do not do this or that". It's like I feel like I have to defend the whole world because he criticizes everything. I know I should just let it be, but it make me so uncofmortable. Of course, you thro out such sentences now and then, but it is everyday usual business for him.

Basically I have recognised that it is a massive incompatibility and as he does not change, I should change and not say my opinion just to keep peace and quiet but I am currently strongly considering whether I want to live my life like that. Hearing every day things that somewhat bug or hurt me or are against my beliefs is rather exhausting. And I think I do not want my future children (we do not have any) to grow with such a black and white and critical example in their home. I am defensive in such matters with other people as well, like my friends and family, and although we communicate a lot, I rarely have to be such "pain". This discovery helped me to understand that it's not that I am such a pain, it's just that our understandings and beliefs constantly clash and it creates such painful environment.