NC with parent - family gatherings

[MeadowHay]

This is for DH.

He is NC with an abusive parent for over a year, basically since not long after DC was born. He was LC for a few years before that. The parent has never met DC but nor had they expressed any desire to do so after they were born before DH went NC and other relatives, whilst they try and get DH to reconcile, have never said the parent has expressed any interest in seeing DC. They didn't pass on any gift when they were born, nor birthday card, nothing.

FWIW I don't have a strong opinion on this, don't think it is my place to really. I support DH whatever relationship or lack of he wants with this parent. I would never allow DC to be left with the parent unsupervised but that's my only red line on this and DH agrees with that anyway.

Oh, the parent has mental health problems and BPD btw. They are also now claiming a life limiting, possibly terminal illness but we don't actually believe that (they have form for previous similar lies).

We have always agreed that we would go to any family events they are at because why should we and DD miss out just because of them? However in practice obviously this is more difficult than a glib statement. DH has missed one event because he was too anxious about it with the parent being there (was evening event so I was going to stay home with DD anyway). He has another event coming up that we have decided me and DD also won't go to due to difficulty in us getting there (DH will be going straight from work). However before we discussed the travel logistics DH has been v stressed because on the one hand he wants us all to go to things and not miss out, especially DD and for his elderly relative who is dying to see DD and us, but on the other hand he finds it v stressful the thought of his parent meeting DC.

So really how do other people navigate these things?

Sorry, my terrible writing - the elderly relative is actually dying. And we don't get to see them often for various practical reasons.

I'm in the same boat but I'm definitely avoiding any contact or anywhere they'll be. I totally understand the anxiety over it, it's a terrible position your DH has been put in.

Would DH have to speak to his parent, or is the gathering big enough where he could attend but be able to avoid the parent?

I know for me if you give an inch, they walk all over you & would cause more trouble than I could think of. I don't want my baby in the firing line of an volatility & would avoid at all costs.

It's only a small gathering...10 people max, without me and DC but incl DH. He could still get away with not talking to her though, he has had a couple of events before in the past where he has done that. He is definitely going to go - it's actually an event for the dying elderly relative. He can handle it alone - I think it's mainly going to be events with DC coming that is the issue. I think he doesn't know how to navigate a situation where the parent suddenly rants on to anyone who listens about how horrendous it is not to have been able to meet their only grandchild and how traumatic it has been and wanting to cuddle DC etc...one sibling of this parent is also NC with them and refuses all events other than weddings and funerals.

I would not be attending any family events and beside which what does your DH think you would be missing out on anyway by attending?. Some of his relations have also here acted as flying monkeys (whose opinion should roundly be ignored because they are not interested in hearing your DHs side of things, they are really only acting in their own self and best interest).

Was this particular elderly relative a person who has tried to get your DH to reconcile with his abusive parent?.

Given how fearful he already appears to be, I doubt very much that he will be able to at all emotionally cope in a room in which she is present. In a room of ten also, she will be hard to avoid and he cannot control what she could say. He will need to do ultimately what his other sibling has done by establishing a firm boundary; i.e. refuse all family occasions other than weddings and funerals.

Your H will most likely shut down totally as well as emotionally in her presence, agree to her demands and or revert to child mode so I would advise him not to attend. No contact is precisely that so there should be no attendance at family gatherings particularly where the abuser is likely to be present.

I think he doesn't know how to navigate a situation where the parent suddenly rants on to anyone who listens about how horrendous it is not to have been able to meet their only grandchild

Yeah the "poor me" although it came as a result of their own actions. I honestly feel like I could write this. It's completely unfair.
I worried for a long time about people believing the lies, then you realise it's more important that you shield yourself & family from the animosity. There will be people who listen and believe and people who'll listen & take it with a pinch of salt.
It's the worry about every eventuality that could occur from being near them.

Ah, actually a lot of the above is incorrect assumptions about him and his family but maybe that is my fault, but it's difficult isn't it to write absolutely everything into one post.

Elderly relative has never asked him to reconcile with the parent. If anything they have been supportive of him being NC.

I use NC because that's how it's ended up, not because he made a conscious decision one day that he would never contact her again. It's not a 'principled' decision for him, I don't know how to explain.

We would definitely be missing out on a mostly pleasant family event. The family members are generally good at shutting the parent down, obviously not always able to though. We went to events for years with the parent there, sometimes they were a bit of a pain, other times on their best behaviour and not a problem. They don't tend to blow up in public as they have their own public image they clearly want to uphold which is funny as they have no real contact with anyone outside of relatives anyway. So in the past we have gone to things and basically not spoke to the parent and we still had a nice time.

Agree his anxiety levels are high now. Much higher than in the past, but I think that is partly sue to not having been in this situation for ages. When it was more regular occurrence he was more used to it and it didn't phase him really. He is used to them after all!

To be fair it's only really one family member who has made much of trying to get him to reconcile and I agree that's done totally selfishly on their part. However he has responded quite sharply recently and they have made less of it. In fact they even suggested he not come to this event which he was v upset about.

I know there is no way whoever goes that DH would be drawn into any argument or drama with parent at this event. It would ruin event for elderly relative so he definitely wouldn't engage even if parent makes snide remarks. However I think the difficulty is that he thinks that would be v difficult if toddler DC there in future events.

It is not his sibling who is NC with parent, it is parent's Sibling1. DH's uncle. Maybe he should speak to his uncle about it? They have a good relationship, not super close though. DH does have a sibling who is LC with parent. Occasionally has asked DH to reconcile but been met with sharp responses and tbf hasn't pushed it.

Also he's absolutely not worried about people believing his parent's version of events re us, DC, or anything. Parent doesn't really have contact with anyone other than the family and everyone knows exactly what they are like, there is no dispute regarding whether parent has tried to see DC etc, everyone knows they haven't.

I think I seem minimising? I'm sorry if I sound like that. I love him so much and I can't imagine how painful his relationship has been with parent and I will always support him whatever he decides to do as regards their relationship. I will also show him the thread, he wanted to hear what other people do in similar circs.