Should I take him back?

[Gigimum]

Husband told me Sunday he had been seeing someone else. We have 2 kids and I asked him to stay and not split up our family. He said no. Things hadn't been good with us for a long time and we had both stopped trying. We spoke at length on Monday and opened up to each other more than we have done in years. After the talk he said he realised he was making a mistake and wanted us to try again and work on things, to be honest we have never tried to resolve our issues and both buried our heads in the sand for a long time. He has been very honest with me about the OW and their relationship which has been hard to hear and has finished it with her, I asked for proof he has and got that. We have both agreed for things to go forward we need to work at things and have given ourselves a timeline to say if it doesn't work out we will both walk away. We've been together nearly 25 years and to throw it away feels wrong without trying. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, I want my family to stay together, but can I forgive his betrayal. I don't want him to think I am weak and that I would forgive anything that he does. My head is all over the place. Am I being naive and stupid that it could work out now? He said this is the only time he has cheated but by me taking him back would he think she's let me off once, I can do it again. I don't know what to do for the best. Can we get over this?

Am affair isnt a deal breaker for me. Humans make mistakes especially after many years together. I could overlook it in the grand scheme of things.
The killer for my marriage was no communication from exH and mistaking me for a house maid. Ignoring my birthday, not having any time for me.
You have to weigh up the good and the bad. Try and work out if what you have now is enough.
I have friends who have survived infidelity and gonew on to have happy marriages.

So sorry op is she definitely pregnant not just saying it because he dumped her or do you think he knew about it and that’s why he suddenly confessed to the affair

Gods just read about the pregnancy. That changes things a bit. Maintenance for a start and having sex with no protection.

He's told me he doesn't want any more children and has told her this doesn't change a thing between them and they are still over. He is still telling me he wants us to try and sort things out. I can't even contemplate that, this is the ultimate betrayal to me. I knew they hadn't used protection, I'd asked him that question and he said she'd told him she was on the pill. It just feels so convenient for her to be pregnant now. He's asked for proof and she's being awkward about it. But I get that she pissed at him too and in her head she isn't going to make it easy for him because she's hurting. Believe me I'm not defending her. It's all such a mess.

Did he know she was pregnant when he came clean to you?

I’m surprised that a grown man of at least 40 doesn’t see how having a child with someone “changes things “

He says she only told him yesterday she was pregnant. He'd blocked her and she'd contacted through a mutual friend. I believe that he didn't know before

Oh gosh! That’s so awful. My heart breaks for you. It’s one thing him having an affair but another for him to have got her pregnant. She clearly planned that.
Please get yourself tested too, just to be safe. He has put you at risk without even considering it and that is absolutely vile of him.

I’m not so sure him blocking her now is doing any good. He might not want to be with her but it doesn’t solve anything and since we know how she is manipulative already, she could get particularly bad with a child on the way and when it arrives.

I do hope you are able to stay strong. Best of luck.

She clearly planned that.

Yeah, he had no hand in it.

FFS.

He had a part in it alright and was absolutely stupid not to use something. She obviously lied about the pill and he was an idiot to believe her knowing how she felt about him. Both as bad as each other. All that goes without saying. OP is way better off without him.

How convenient she announces her pregnancy now but is cagey about proving it.....I wouldn't believe her tbh

It does seem to convenient for her to be pregnant now, But I have this gut feeling she is. Without him I don't think she's in a position to have another baby. She's nearly 40, just come out of a long marriage herself and has 2 kids of her own. But I don't know what her stance is on abortion, she may not believe in it. I obviously want her to get rid of it. Surely she can't bring another child into this mess. He has been very clear to her he doesn't want another child and won't support her in having this one. If anything this will push him away from her, so if she's using it as a plot to make him come back it won't work. We"d talked before about having another child and it was something he was very clear he didn't want and neither did I. I asked if he'd ever talked to her about having children together and he said no, just spoke about children in general and he'd got the impression she didn't want anymore as she was always saying she was glad hers were older now and she had got back some of her own life. He said her own children and stayed with their father and she has moved out without them, because it was financially better. She didn't leave her husband for mine. They were splitting up anyway. She sounds a great mother, I could never leave my kids, no matter what. I hope she does the right thing and gets rid of it, but I know that's a very hard decision for any woman and in a way I do feel sorry for her. She must be in a mess herself too, no husband, no boyfriend, no kids and an unplanned baby on the way, can't imagine she will be thinking straight anytime soon

Writing all these things down really helps me think clearer and makes me feel calmer. Mumsnet is something I only joined when I found out about the affair a week ago, sharing my thoughts and feelings with strangers and writing them down is really helping me, so thank you to everyone that has read my posts and replied, you don't know how much knowing someone is listening and cares enough to reply means, especially in the lonely small hours❤️

This happened to a friends friend .

I'm not saying it's the same.

Anyway.

The couple decided to stay together.

They waited until till the baby was born and then there was a preternity test - the baby wasn't his.

However 'if' there is s baby I m not saying this is the case but I would say wait it you can see you really is pregnant.

If it was me I be having a chat myself because like you said it really must be awful for her.
And putting everything else aside there 'maybe' is a innocence child here.

I wonder if she is telling lies to keep him. I think that sometimes you can make things work after an affair - however it will never be quite the same and you might be surprised how even years later the hurt will suddenly hit you . Its whether you can live with that .

It’s only natural that your mind will run away with you, thinking all about OW and the (possible ) pregnancy and what she should do or not do etc etc.

But it can end up being very unhelpful to you. Because your issue isn’t OW at all. It’s YOU and what YOU are going to do about your husband.

I would be insisting that he move out now and I’d tell everyone that we had separated. I’d get legal advice, Sort out money and make arrangements for the children ( assuming they are under 18). If they are adults you’ll need to talk to them about their plans to see their dad.

A year down the line, things will be a lot clearer. You will know about the baby, if it’s his, what he’s going to do to support his child and how often he will have the child staying with him. Ditto your own children.

You will know the nature and extent of his relationship with OW going forward. It’s all very well for him to say it’s over but he can hardly carry out his parental responsibilities to a new born baby without seeing the mother.

Once you see how he acts in all this, you will know if you want to try and rebuilt your marriage with him. You will see how genuine his regret is and how much he wants to make it up to you by the way he acts over the separation, money and the children.

If you dont split out now your life will be put on hold, waiting for the next instalment of his affair drama. You can’t live like that, you will end up having a breakdown while the two of them control your life for some unspecified amount of time .

Although I believe there's never a valid excuse to cheat, sometimes there are reasons that contribute to it. I think by recognising that you had problems in your relationship could help you to forgive him. You were both obviously unhappy before this happened, this incident has woken you both up and could be what you need to create a better relationship. I think you should take a slowly and keep talking. You don't have to make your decision now.

Sorry @Gigimum I hadn't read your update about the OW being pregnant. You need to give yourself time. You could still work things out with your husband if that's what you want. Although I agree, it could cause you more pain in the long run to stay with him.

How are you @Gigimum? Hope you are okay.

I'm doing ok thanks. We are talking but nothing has been decided yet. OW was lying about pregnancy, she admitted it. I'm just concentrating on me and the kids at the moment. Will see what the future holds x

Wow - women can be real fucking assholes.
What a vile thing to say and do to someone.
What an absolute scumbag she is.
You are totally doing the right thing at the moment.
Concentrate on you and your DC to get through the next weeks.
Small steps OP.

I don't know what to think, he came round last night to talk and we ended up sleeping together and he stayed the night. Thing is it was good, probably best sex we've had. I still am struggling to get his betrayal out of my head and feel like taking him back would send him the wrong message, I just don't know what to do, could we ever get over this?

People do get over affairs.
I couldn't, but we are all different.
Google 'hysterical bonding'
It will help explain what happened last night.
But this is totally YOUR life and YOUR decision.
Could you take things slowly to start with?
Just date and still live apart.
See if you can rebuild from there.
You may decide not to reconcile after a year or even 2.
You don't HAVE to take him back.
You don't HAVE to try if you don't want to.
But if you do then make sure you have a plan.

Ending the relationship after cheating isn't throwing it away after trying.

What you had is gone, broken, already thrown away after the cheating.

It's not possible to get it back, most people who try and stay together end up in a relationship with no trust, lots of anger and hurt that pops up all the time, paranoia, low self esteem, no respect for the person who cheated and so much other bad stuff and that's no way to live.

The ones who can truly forgive and forget and go on and be happy and secure in their relationship are very few and far between.