gaslighting? projection? how do I respond?

[sittingunderthetree]

have posted about this in AIBU over the weekend, but want some relationship-focused advice specifically.

Original thread here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3698801-To-be-annoyed-or-am-I-acting-spoilt?msgid=90291886

Basically, after a jammed packed errand-based weekend for me and my LDR (ex)DP, he left me for 3 hours in a coffee shop whilst he did his sport. I sent some "bitchy" texts after 21/2 hours asking where he was... like "what time will you be back, i thought you said 2 hours?". When we got in the car he drove me home early and basically broke up with me calling me selfish and manipulative.

He was silent the hour it took to drive back. We stopped at services halfway and I bought him a cuddly keyring type thing and a doughnut as a stupid peace offering - I really didn't see how much it would blow up.

He said he was leaving as soon as he dropped me off (we would usually get food). I was really upset crying and he just basically shut down - wouldn't look at me, wouldn't respond to me trying to hug him. He said "I just want to go home" over and over again. Then I said "are we done with this then?" (meaning the argument) and he said "yes" - I said "are we breaking up right now?" and he said I am.

Sent him numerous apology texts after he left. Didnt respond. He called me last night and basically said:

He didn't want to be with someone so manipulative

I acted like his sister (who he said is the most backstabbing person he knows)

I was making him feel guilty when he shouldn't feel guilty

I knew he was insecure and still I acted so nastily I knew he was a social media runner who needed to do his training

He then said we should have an in person conversation and he needs a "few more days to think about his decision"... He said he would come see me Friday. we haven't been in contact since this call Monday night. We usually talk each day.

Just to clarify... He ASKED me to come down (we see each other every weekend) and these events weren't planned, i.e. before I booked the Hotel I only thought the birthday party and the run were happening.

I did not moan or think anything of helping him this weekend, I get life is busy

I did not expect at any point for him to cancel his session - in fact, numerous times I have waited in his car/flat when he trains - no issues there. It was literally the combination of a shitty coffee shop, no money, illness and tiredness after a long weekend.

To add... He's under stress at work at the minute, been given a more senior role. He also is moving (obviously) And he mentioned he is becoming quite broke because of the move.

....

is this abusive? or was I being abusive? I am so confused right now, I can't stop thinking about this.

He keeps posting on social media about his running and I don't know what to do

Stop groveling to this arsehole and move on. This relationship being over is the best thing that can happen.

He dumped you, and now you have learnt not to question him and have grovelled he might well accept you back.

Have some self respect and tell this twat to fuck off.

Why start yet another thread about this?
You've had over 200 replies to your last one.

The advice to leave this selfish boy-man isn't going to change by you starting another thread in a different section.

Regain some self respect and focus your energy and mind on moving on from this experience and stop living in "what if" land - it's not healthy.

you shouldn't have apologised to this Dick.

please do not even contemplate talking/meeting with him on Friday, he is a gas lighting manipulating selfish bully.

Block his Dick and find your self respect as others have stated.

I read your original thread. Block his number and never contact him again. He is playing you and yes it is a form of abuse to treat someone who has travelled a fair distance to spend the weekend with you. The best thing you could possibly do is never contact him again because he's an arsehole and you are waisting your time on him. He is wanting you to grovel and beg him to take him back so that next time he's a twat he's trained you not to object or else the same thing will happen again. Please have some self respect and forget the twat.

He's an arsehole.

You need to realise no-one deserves to be treated how he's treated you.

Have some self respect, block his number and cut all social media links then move on with your life.

Every moment you waste thinking about him is a moment you could be much happier doing something that makes you happy. You owe it to yourself to leave him in your past.

You do know what to do. You need to block him and move on. You just don’t want to.

Wtf even is a social media runner?

He preferred to get pissed with his brother late night early morning both nights instead of spending time with you. He only paid attention to you when he fancied dipping his wick.

He's giving you full responsibility for his unpleasant emotions and taking zero responsibility for his behaviour towards you.

I'm waiting for the chapter when you realise that anger is the correct response for you.

He should've made time for you & ideally he should've let you know he was going to be longer than 2 hours.
You would've been aswell not going.
Out of curiosity, how bad were the texts you sent? If they were just a bit sharp then I don't think it's that big of a deal.

he needs a "few more days to think about his decision".
Does he? Keeping you waiting seems to be theme of his.

He keeps posting on social media about his running
Is this just so you know how busy he is?

You went to a lot of effort and he's still wasting your time. You were clearly upset and he's not had the decency to give you any time but when he wants your time, he'll expect it.

@Everafter1

the texts were just 4 texts one saying what time will you be back, another one saying it's been 2 1/2 hours now, another one saying don't you think it's mean leaving me here for such a long time whilst you're taking a picture for instagram and a question mark when he didn't reply

That is definitely not enough to even tip someone off. That's ridiculous. It doesn't make you manipulative and he shouldn't be comparing you to his backstabbing sister.
You weren't being nasty or making him feel guilty.

It's worrying when people cant be accountable for their own actions.

I haven't seen your other thread, but from this little snapshot he sounds like a prick. And a running bore - is there anything duller than someone posting about their running on social media? Yawn.

Do yourself a favour, don’t wait until Friday for him to decide if he’s willing to spend any of his precious time with you. Send him a text tomorrow saying you’ve been having a think and you don’t think you’re compatible. Don’t get into the ins and outs, he’ll continue to turn it around onto you.

From what you’ve said here you haven’t been manipulative, he has some issues and is taking it out on you.

Run for the hills and find someone who is happy to see you and wants to spend time with you.

You were not being unreasonable to text asking his whereabouts. He ignored you all weekend and then turned it around onto you when you dared to question him. Him dumping you and then contacting you again is a form of control. He’s shown you who he really is OP, please believe him. Now pick your self respect up off the floor, be proud that you’ve spotted the red flags and go have some fun without him.

Why did you not just leave the coffee shop and go home instead of waiting for this inconsiderate dullard?

Block . Find some one else .

Have some self respect and tell this twat to fuck off
I couldn't have put it better than this.
Get some self-respect OP!
Dump and move on from this asshole!

he needs a "few more days to think about his decision"
Why is this his decision? Dump him today and you won't need to wait any longer.

He's a selfish, entitled bastard who doesnt give a shit about you or your feelings. He is showing you who he is, so believe him!!!

There is nothing manipulative about being angry with someone who is supposed to love you and want to spend time with you and is leaving you sat alone in a car for hours when you have travelled to see them. Your feelings matter, don't ever let anyone make you think otherwise.

Abusive men often behave very differently when they have you isolated and dependent on them in some way (I.e you were stuck waiting for him in an unfamiliar place and he knew you wouldnt leave as you wanted to see him and therefore were vulnerable). This is very calculated and speaks volumes about his character and his huge sense of entitlement to waste your time. I think he actually got off on the fact that he could leave you sat waiting for hours for him as it gave him a huge ego boost. Abusive men also often pick arguments in confined spaces (e.g cars) or places where you cannot leave without them (e.g the service station).

What he is doing is called projection. He's being manipulative, cruel, uncaring but accusing you of that. Breaking up with you is punishment for daring to question him. Always pay attention to how a man reacts to being told no or being pulled up when they cross your boundaries. This will tell you far more about their character than when things are easy and going well (often in the early relationship stages).

This is not a normal response when you have upset your partner. People who love you will care if they upset you and will try to make it up to you. They dont accuse you of being manipulative and break up with you. He is manipulative and this is how abusive relationships start. He is managing down your expectations and it will only ever get worse if you get back with him.

Block, delete and really get to grips with why you were willing to beg someone back when they treated you so terribly. Also read up on narcissistic abuse and red flag behaviour to learn the signs and recognise them early on. The fact that you even have to ask if someone is gaslighting you usually means this is a very bad person who you need to stay away from.

Why are you running around and crying about this giant entitled self absorbed prick baby? Seriously? What are you doing? Give your head a wobble. He’s invited you down and left you in a coffee shop for THREE hours! Wow. He’s such a catch. What a Prince. That’s the very definition of gracious host. You were a VISITOR and he was your HOST. When my mother (who gets on my last nerve) comes to visit I don’t treat or behave like that to her!! When friends of friends come to visit I do NOT behave or treat them like that. Out of the hundreds of visitors I’ve had over the years, if I’d left any of them for 3 hours in a coffee shop and gone running they would have blocked
me out of their life, called me a prick and I’d never hear from them again. You are entitled to your feelings. You are upset for a good reason. Just because he doesn’t agree doesn’t make him right. He’s not the king of England. He doesn’t get to decide what’s right or wrong. He’s basically trying to get what he wants which is a part time girlfriend who puts up and shuts up. He gets to do and act as he wants and you smile sweetly, say nothing and give him sex and then go home again. Does he even care or ask what you want? You paid for a hotel to go see this loser! What a waste of money. He should WANT to see you. He should cancel his plans and be all over you. If he’s not then god knows what he’d be like when the honeymoon phase is over and you’ve been together for ten years! No no no. Get your inner anger on. Tell him “had a good think and you’re right. This isn’t working. I’m not interested in a part time prick for a boyfriend. I want someone who doesn’t leave me for 3 hours in a coffee shop while he pleases himself. Don’t bother coming Friday” and mean it. Cut him off, find your value and go find somebody who actually wants you. Get counselling to find out why you are interested in such an emotionally distant individual. Get therapy and be single for a bit.

I read your other thread. I now can't get my head round why you still want this selfish, running obsessed twat in your life. He gave you attention only when he wanted to stick his dick somewhere. Is this all you deserve and want out of life? Hanging around for hours and hours until Prince Cock deigns to shag you then ignore you again?

Agree for him to come on Friday. Arrange to meet in a coffee shop. Buy him a coffee and say you just have to pop out for 2 hours, come back in 3 hours.

If he's still there at that point( but only if he hasn't sent you any texts to see where you are or ask when you'll be back) consider getting back together with him.

Then don't.

Did you dump and Block OP ?

@5LeafClover

This made me laugh.

I am quite curious to see how he justifies the break up. And I do want to tell him to his face that he's been an absolute childish wanker

Glad I made you laugh op but...

People don't need to justify a break up. You, for example could break up with someone who treated you badly just because you deserve better.

Do not meet him or invite him back to discuss stuff... you sound in extreme danger of being pulled back into a relationship that is not good for you.

Good idea about telling him he's a wanker. Do it by text. Or tweet/fb/insta

Good luck.

5LC

Don't give him the oxygen of any emotional farewell scenes. Best just to shrug and say you're bored of it all.