What timescale is appropriate to introduce new parter to the children

[notjustamother]

As the title says really, what's a good timescale?

There are differing schools of thought on this.

One is that you don't do it until you are in a committed relationship, so as not to unsettle the DC and you are completely sure that this is a long-term partnership.

Two, is that you do it fairly informally in a neutral setting fairly early on, just to get a vibe as to whether the new partner has the first clue how to deal with kids, whether your DC think he is a total tool (depending on their age) etc.

At the end of the day, it really has to be one that you are both comfortable with and that won't mess with how secure your DC feel. I think it also depends on the age of your DC. I'm much more chilled about this as my DC are pretty much adults but when they were little, I fell into camp one!

Probably other options too.

Minimum of 6 months. But really only then if I honestly thought they’d be a long term fixture in my life and didn’t have any red flags or uncertainty.

Every family situation is different. My DH met my daughter at a bbq before we even spoke to each other as she decided he had to play football with her! We had mutual friends so she knew him before he was my boyfriend then we just took it slowly and didn't change the dynamic too quickly. If they've never met then I think introducing them very slowly as soon as you're sure he'll be a long term fixture is a good idea. Not introducing them as a boyfriend but as a friend and doing so at social events seems to be the least amount of pressure

Ex H has had an affair - it's with a mum from my daughters class. He moved in with her about 3 weeks after leaving here and has been taking the kids out with her kids too. They have then split as she realised there was a crossover between him leaving me and starting things with her. Now they are back together and I want the kids left out of it. It's a very hard situation (the decision to get them involved the first time was taken out of my hands as he introduced them without asking me first then told daughter to lie, he also lied about their relationship and said he was just renting a room - even though I knew deep down it was more I couldn't prove it and it seems I have no say they will do it anyway) daughter is struggling with everything is very emotional and I feel like I'm failing to protect her from this all, school are aware of the situation

That's tough as how ever inappropriate, you get no say in how quickly he introduces someone. What are the timescales here?

I wouldn't introduce someone unless I was sure about them. I told DCs I was dating someone after 7ish months. They met him soon after, at their instigation. One DC loves him and took to him straight away, other DC is a slow burner but will get there. I would have actually waited longer but ex lives very close by and there was a very strong chance DCs would see us together and I wanted them to find out properly from me.

I introduced mine Fairly early on, as if I expect a new partner to share a home with them in the future, whether they all get on or not is a bit of a deal breaker.

Ex wasn’t happen, but in the same way I get no say what happens when in ex’s care, they get no say in mine.

Also. When I see the kids they ask where I have been and what I have been doing and invariably the answer is that I have been somewhere with new partner. I am not going to lie to the kids, and it would be a bit odd to keep just mentioning someone and not introduce them.

I would say 6 months

I've only ever done one introduction of a partner and it was almost 18 months after I met him.

For my exh, he proudly introduces our dc to each successive woman within a week or two. DC are very good/charming/easy kids and tbh I think he uses them as a lure. Vile imo but nothing I can do.

It's horses for courses op

So their dad left 3.5 months ago, moved in with new woman 3 months ago - had already started introducing kids and telling them to lie about it before this. They broke up not even a week ago and are now back together, she slept with someone else the day she kicked him out and 5 days later he's back there. It doesn't seem stable and I don't really want the kids being involved in it all mainly for the fact that this is a family we will see everyday at school and have to face if things go wrong which it seems it already is. I'm not against them ever being there but I just don't want the kids back and forward between his mums and hers not knowing what's going on so all I'm asking is another few months perhaps till after Xmas to see if it's actually going to be something longer term and serious before the kids are thrown back into the mix as obviously atm they are trying to work things out. Added to the fact the kids actually are sleeping on the flor and have no room or bed to themselves there the whole situation isn't ideal at all (they did one overnight a week and a couple of dinners for 2 hours) I know I really have no say but I think if I met someone new and introduced them within 2 weeks he would be giving me grief and I just can't imagine doing that. I mean how well do you know someone after a month?

Oh god! It was 6 months until my 3 meet my partner.
Have been separate from their dad for 4+ years now, he’s had at least 8 girlfriends, all introduced very quickly to them and been on holidays with them. There have also been “friends” in between. All too soon imho, but then again he took our boys out when I was pregnant with our 3rd...... with the woman he was having an affair with 🤬🤬🤬

There's no rule, it's when it feels right, I guess.

I was with my partner for just two months before I met his son (now 16 then 14). But we fell in love quickly, and spoke all day every day right from the very beginning, meeting up whenever we possibly could.

We had been going out for dinner once a week, and he used to take his son to his mum's (no problem there, he loves spending time with his grandparents and still does), but on this occasion they were unwell so I said don't worry, we can leave it.

He said no, I'm serious about you, so I'd love you to meet him. Obviously with him being a bit older it was a lot easier as he knew what was going on!

I suggested swapping dinner for bowling and a burger, and we honestly all had a brilliant time. Me and his son ended up playing on the arcades together while he just watched, and I could tell how happy he was that we got on.

Fast forward two years, we all live together now, it's great :).

I wouldn't say I'm like a mother to him, more like an older sister or aunt.. but that'll do for me! I wouldn't expect a 14yo to need a "new mum" anyway!

It's all personal, there's no right time, but I am glad my partner introduced us when he did.. as I was then able to go to their house and chill etc, and then started staying over, so it helped our relationship. And he felt comfortable with me right from the start as he always came downstairs to spend time with us when I was there, when usually he's upstairs on his Xbox (clearly the novelty of me being there has worn off now ha ha).

What’s the point of your question? Your Ex clearly does what he wants when he wants and cares very little for the emotional well-being of his children but there’s very little you can do about it.

I would encourage you to get support for your kids as they will need a safe place to express their feelings without being conflicted about loyalty. They will also need support in how to handle a relationship with a parent who doesn’t prioritise their needs.

As much as I sympathise with DD’s desire to have a relationship with her father, I am glad he’s absent (his choice) because a relationship with him, would be a headfuck.

@AgentJohnson this is why I am asking on here, looking legally it seems I cannot do anything. But it is already messing with the children - I have had a meeting with school due to the child in same class as new gfs child being tearful and upset during the day, same child is struggling very much so and when I approached dad about it he said I was being silly child doesn't need support child is fine and happy with the situation. He is so blindsided how can I make him see the damage this is causing? Child says they do not want to upset dad and dad has already palmed their feelings off as being silly so they just keep quiet about it all with him and I am getting the brunt which is fine but I want to help child but their dad just seems to keep throwing more and more crap at us and I am trying to take hold of the situation. I have said no contact at this woman's house for now which he has said yes too but I know when it comes to the weekend he will argue it out and take them there anyway. I am in no way trying to sabotage his new relationship just trying to slow down the pace so that the children can come to terms with everything it's only been 3 months since dad left let alone a new woman and kids being introduced. There have been a couple of safeguarding issues too including a couple of incidents of unsafe driving ( think no car seat, sharing seats, no insurance) and I'm very uncomfortable with the level of closeness new woman is having with the children - sharing beds (just her and our kids alone) and ex wanting the kids to be left in some care of her while he does things in his time with them which I'm not comfortable with yet.

notjustamother I think your doing the right thing. Any court takes into account living situation and emotional well-being when dealing with kids. I wouldn’t be allowing my child to be sleeping on the floor. Put your foot down, sounds to me as if he wouldn’t bother going to court as he is too busy with a new relationship

Oh OP, are you the one that posted a while back about your DH crashing on a school mum's sofa?

@goodwinter yes it is, literally feel like my life is a storyline in eastenders atm! He is making some very bad calls in regards to the children and I want to protect them whilst still enabling him to see them but in a safer more controlled environment (eg at his mums where I know they won't be half neglected as they have been at New woman's)