What does it mean to have good boundaries?

[Holymolly]

I always see it on here. "Sounds like you need to work on your boundaries" etc and i think in real life mine could do with some work too.
I'm not planning on dating anyone yet as I know I have work to do on me first and foremost but just for when I do, what does having good personal boundaries mean/look like?

Do you know what behaviour is acceptable to you and what isn't?
Do you know how you would handle a situation that is not acceptable to you?

To know what you're willing to accept and what you're not. To know what works for you & what doesn't. Things that would be difficult to compromise on.

Sadly, it's often trial and error & we get hurt but we learn from it & know we don't want that again.

What others have said.

Sometimes we tolerate behaviours. So for example with an ex, because I loved him. If we argued about a certain way he treated me I would accept his apology over and over and keep going. Because I didn't want to lose him. But yet the same thing happened over and over. My boundaries were not there. Or I compromised my own boundaries

With a recent guy, I mentioned I found something he did was disrespectful. He agreed, apologised and agreed to change. However it didn't change and it got worse. A few years ago I may have just tolerated it. But I didn't. I called an end to it and walked away. It was hard but the right thing.

I hope that makes sense

Not letting people take advantage.

I've had terrible boundaries all my life. Once I starred to have some boundaries, I was surprised by the people who I lost....all the ones taking advantage.

Illuminating, and be prepared to lose some people along the way.

I think sometimes you don't know a boundary should be there until it's been overstepped because we go into relationships with the best of intentions.

It's also going against your gut/head and not trusting yourself. This is common with women because they are conditioned to 'be nice' 'give him another chance' and doubt themselves when really they should make efforts to be more in touch with their own intuition because it's there to for her own best interests. So when people show you who they are, by their actions usually, you override your own 'That's not on, walk away and don't look back'.

A good way to qualify it is to read Gavin De Becker's 'The Gift of Fear'.

I think one way to tell is if it’s a behaviour that you’re not happy with, you let them know that it’s something you’re not happy with.
It might be something small that it’s rectified then you can accept, like, he doesn’t ever cook and accepts that he’ll cook on a particular day

We all have different boundaries.
Where some would forgive cheating, others wouldn't.
Where some would 'give another chance' to some who abuses them, others wouldn't.
It's all about your own boundaries and what you think is acceptable.
It's about respecting yourself and not allowing others take advantage.
It's about asserting yourself and not accepting the unacceptable.

Sorry posted too soon - it might be something more major that you would normally end a relationship but end up making excuses for him ‘he was stressed’ or whatever. Then your boundaries aren’t good.
Think what you’d advise someone else in that situation. That’s sometimes helpful.

I suppose they're different for everyone...I understand it to mean what your expectations of a partner are and what would you not except and sticking to them.

I'm working on having boundaries. In past relationships I've put up with things because I've been in love and have been blinded by emotions. I haven't put up with anything abusive just little put downs which I shouldn't have to take.

I think having boundaries involves letting someone know what isn't acceptable. You can do this in a calm way so that you don't lose your temper. Or you can be subtle and chose to spend less time with someone.

What most of the others have said. To me a boundary is a fence, a line in the sand, whatever you feel like - but it's a point you do not cross. Anything over your personal boundary is not acceptable. I think it's being clear in your own head what you expect from others, how you expect to be treated and how you will be prepared to deal with a situation where someone crosses your boundary.

I am old, and (now) very aware of what behaviour I will not tolerate in other people.

Assertiveness training perhaps?

Women are often taught as girls that having boundaries is unreasonable, so we need to learn that it is OK and in fact people expect you to have them. Essentially raise your standards as to how you expect to be treated.

Knowing what my values are. My highest value is authenticity. I want to be honest with myself, first and foremost. Next up is consent. I want to uphold my right to choice, as well as everyone else's right to choice - this includes pointing out my own choices to myself, showing others that they have a choice, inviting them to say no at any time, being ok with saying no myself.

Being mindful that not everyone has the same values as me. This means being honest with myself (key value) about the fact that some folk are not my people and choose not to be kind/etc. (secondary value).

Being at peace with the idea that I sometimes need to turn away from those who choose to do things that are inauthentic or violate others' right to choice.

Having the tools to turn away from those people with grace and compassion, rather than anger. Recognising that I can't and shouldn't try to change others (because that violates their choices).

So I think overall it means - I know what my values are, and I live in accordance with them as much as possible. This includes sometimes opting out of contact with those who don't share my values. In order to do that, you need to like yourself, trust yourself, and not cling to other people for your self worth.

It's a good question OP because I think in general, boundaries are more complex and require quite a lot more emotional intelligence and risk-taking than may folk like to admit.

Timeforanotherchange - I agree that it is easier to assert boundaries when you are older. I cared too much what people thought in my 20s.

@rockerlady - absolutely. I was brought up to be polite, and was also anxious that people liked me. The older I get the less I care, to be honest.

For example one you see on mumsnet a lot.

Person A doesn't mind if a partner watches porn

Person B does mind.

Both are fine and legitimate, you get to have whatever boundaries you choose. No matter how outrageous.

Its a boundary for person B that their partner doesnt watch porn. They need to communicate to whatever partner they have what their boundaries are.

It might be
"I don't want a partner who watches porn"
Or it might be
"I don't want a partner who watches porn while I'm in the house"

Whatever the boundary is, when it's properly communicated its then up to the partner to choose if they want to be in a relationship with someone with that boundary. If they do, they're committing to not crossing it.

If they are found to have crossed whatever boundary it is, Person B should end the relationship. No excuses 'person A let's her partner do it', 'I only did it once', 'all my mates do it'.

Because in healthy relationships we

• clearly communicate our boundaries
• understand and respect those of our partner

I always advise boundaries and it's so true that you realise who is using you x

I understand boundaries the same way as Jennifer2r
Boundaries are rules for yourself-not the other person. If person B says "you need to stop watching porn" to their partner, that's not a boundary. "I won't be in a relationship with someone who watches porn " is.