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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Best friend being abused?

7 replies

josie232 · 25/09/2019 15:27

Hi I’m so worried about my best friend, I’ve known her since we were kids.

It’s quite complicated so will try to be clear as I can. Her and her husband have a 9 year old and a 5 year old. They’ve been together for 12 years and married for 6 and the past 2 years or so she’s confided in me about a few things that are concerning.

He loses his temper really easily, he will snap at the children and call them names, he always regrets it after but does it again and again, he doesn’t seem to be able to cope with them. This is so alarming to me and I think abusive.
Financially, they have separate accounts, she works and earns a lot less than him and struggles, but she has to ask him for money quite often. I don’t know if this is financial abuse? Maybe not. I just know he has money but keeps a lot of it to himself and she is often without.

A few months ago they decided that to try and help things, they’d try an ‘open relationship’ type thing, just one way though. He said he doesn’t want to meet anyone but he’d like her to have a fling with a woman and tell him about it. I should add she’s bisexual and had brief relationships with women in the past.

She’s been on a few dates but nothing has happened, however she’s recently started chatting to a woman who lives about 60 miles away and they’ve met up. My friend has told me theyve got feelings for each other, however her husband is not happy about the arrangement now and is getting increasingly angry about it.

I guess I’m making the thread because things are getting worse between them and my friend is in turmoil. She said her husband is calling her horrible names, begging her for sex, throwing things, demanding attention and generally acting very erratic.

I’m not sure how to help her! Any advice is greatly welcomed.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 25/09/2019 16:30

Goodness, I'm not even sure where to start with this.
Firstly he doesn't sound nice at all, I think I would be encouraging her to think about leaving if that is an option for her, she is being abused by him.
Not sure of the motivation behind the open relationship but it probably hasn't met his expectations so therefore he now want to shut it down.
Where is your friend head in all of this? Does she want to stay with him? Is she still in contact with the other woman?

josie232 · 25/09/2019 16:58

Thanks so much for replying, you’re absolutely right the liaisons with other women haven’t met his expectations, I think he thought it was going to be a fantasy type thing between them but she appears to have serious feelings for this other woman. Yes they are still in touch and want to meet up again.

No she doesn’t want to stay with him, I asked her last night what’s stopping her from leaving and she said she’s terrified of his reaction. I’ve seen him when he’s very angry and it’s not nice.

OP posts:
Leftielefterson · 25/09/2019 17:02

Oh god OP that must be so stressful and upsetting for you. I think all you can do is be a really good friend to her and tell her you’ll support her never mind what she decides to do. I’d definitely keep impressing on her that her husband’s behaviour seems abusive and she is worth more than that.

josie232 · 25/09/2019 18:42

@Leftielefterson thanks, yes it’s worrying mostly because I adore her kids and hate the fact that he’s been nasty to them Sad

I will talk to her and reassure her that it’s ok to leave, I think because she’s so scared it might be better to go to women’s aid.

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 25/09/2019 18:44

I know a couple who tried an open relationship so he could get his lesbian fantasy kicks.

Her and her new girlfriend got married a few years ago and are still very happy together!

I think she might be better off exploring that as an option as he sounds horrible.

josie232 · 25/09/2019 19:09

Oh wow @FusionChefGeoff that’s incredible how it turned out! Good on her for finding happiness.

I agree with you and think this may be a better option for her, it’s just the untangling of it all that’s so difficult.

OP posts:
josie232 · 27/09/2019 20:46

Sorry to bump this but not sure what to do. Btw my friend knows I’ve made this thread and is fine with it, she desperately needs advice and I sent her the link.

She’s got no idea what to do, can anyone advise me on anything? Or has anyone been in this situation, where they’ve met a person of the same sex and wanted to leave a relationship? I should add she’s now told her parents about it and they freaked out. They are very homophobic and have been pretty nasty to her and said they are disgusted.

I’m worried about her, about how she’s going to move forward and about how her DH will react if she tries to leave.

OP posts:
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