Am I not enough?

[oknottobeokwithit]

Been with BF around 2 years. All going well and sex life has been great but recently found out he's been watching a lot of porn, in particular he has a foot fetish so has been watching all sorts of foot/ women in stockings and heels related porn.
We'd had a discussion about this a few months ago (I noticed he followed some questionable accounts on Instagram) and I told him then that I'm not ok with porn. I don't indulge in any sexual activity away from him and I expect the same loyalty from him. I said to him then I'd rather he explored these fantasies with me as opposed to doing it behind my back.
Fast forward to now and a couple of weeks ago I found out he's been consistently using porn despite having that discussion already.
My problem with it is that he's repeatedly lied to me about doing it and now I've made him show me his internet history I've realised that the nights he's been busy with his online fantasies coincide with the nights he's not seemed interested in sex with me or instantly climbed into bed and fallen asleep. He's had his fix so no need for me.
I have a very high sex drive and I'd say I'm fairly adventurous in the bedroom so I'm hurt and upset that he's been pleasing himself when we could have done it together.

We've been talking about it since my discovery and he says he thinks it's a bit of an addiction. It had become the norm for him in his past relationship as they had a fairly sexless relationship so he hadn't taken me very seriously when we'd discussed it previously as he thought it was just something that "all men do"

Since then we've been trying to be more open and I've been dressing up for him and our sex life has increased again however I'm left feeling a little empty. Like he's only staying away from porn because I'm dressing up for him and fulfilling those desires now but if I stop he'll want it again, it makes me feel like I'm not enough alone. I love him and I don't need him to dress up for me to want to sleep with him. I feel like I'm doing all this to stop him going back to porn but surely if I was enough he'd be happy with just me as I am?

My heads a bit messed up with it all tbh. I know there's plenty of people on here who will call me crazy for not being ok with porn, I'm aware many are fine with it. I've found some articles which really help to explain why I'm not ok with it and I don't really need to hear responses saying that I should be ok with it, because I'm not. It's the lies and deceit that go with it that I can't stand mainly but also the feeling of not being enough because he's seeking sexual gratification outside of our relationship.
I don't really know what to do, is it something to end an otherwise really good relationship over?

fightthenewdrug.org/10-reasons-why-you-should-not-let-your-boyfriend-watch/

relevantmagazine.com/life5/relationships/5-ways-porn-ruins-relationships/

I don't really know what to do, is it something to end an otherwise really good relationship over?

In what way is it "good"? He has a pulse ✅, is employed ✅ and isn't knocking you about ✅?

I mean, he sounds fucking awful, actually. He allowed this to destroy a previous relationship and is doing it again, he is utterly self obsessed and comfortable with that.

What's even the point?

Well, by good I mean we laugh a lot together. He's always been thoughtful, caring, affectionate and we (on most levels) click.

His story is that he'd been with his ex from very young and she had issues surrounding sex hence why he turned to using porn

Perhaps you are right though, thank you

I don't think there is much point in having a relationship where one party has a fetish the other is not into. I wouldn't want to feel like I wasn't enough, or feel neglected in favour of a video either. I think you need to call time on this relationship to be honest OP. Best to leave before the resentment kicks in

Thank you. I fear you may be right.

Are there any decent/ honest guys out there?! Or am I better off just investing in a decent vibrator? 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think you are being a bit unfair.
If he has a preference, then he should be able to live it. Its not fair to just expect him to drop it. You tried it with him and dont feel good about it, so i think your only options are:
Get into it, so that he can live it with you
Let him live it on hos own with porn and learn to be ok with that
Or leave him
Everything else wont work in the long run.

Please don't see this an any reflection on you.
You sound a lovely person and more than willing in the bedroom, and I'm sure there are plenty of men who would love to be with you.

The internet has a lot to answer for esp where porn is concerned, and it's probably wrecked many a relationship with what starts as a curious search and turns into an addiction.

If I truly, madly, deeply loved someone and they were speaking what I couldn't offer elsewhere then I would probably have to call time on the relationship.

If you’re not happy playing second fiddle to a fetish, (and who could blame you), then maybe you need to end the relationship and find a chap who doesn’t have one.
Many chaps with fetishes are unable to become aroused without them- it’s rather like their whole sexual response has become imprinted on the object. Shoes/feet are very common fetishes, as are fabrics such as rubber and leather.
If he’s otherwise a good partner and you want to stay together, you’re stuck with having to embrace the permanent role of being the feet in his fantasy. And accepting that he prefers your shoes to your body.

@Jeleste thank you. I'm not upset that he has a fetish, I'm upset he didn't want to involve me and has been doing it behind my back. It now all feels a bit like he's just let me in because he feels he has to, but would he rather be back on the websites with the airbrushed/ edited/ rehearsed women??
Perhaps that's just my own insecurities.

In fairness, it isn't ALL about feet with him so to say that he can only get aroused by feet wouldn't be true. I'm usually the one to initiate sex (although we've also discussed that and he's getting better at it... again says it stems back to years of rejection with his ex he gets nervous initiating it) He's always been a very attentive lover, I'm just hurt that he's been hiding this secret and indulging in it away from me. It feels like cheating.

He says he feels embarrassed and ashamed of being 'into' feet so felt too shy to ask me 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Its just the way he is op, it's no ones fault. It's certainly got nothing to do with you "not being enough"! That's an absolute red herring.

I think it would be best to move on tbh.

I can imagine if my ex reacted negative to a fetish or to me initiating sex I would probably also feel a bit nervous about it with a new partner.
Maybe give him some time to adjust and communicate openly with him and see how you go.
I wouldnt make any big decisions like dumping him just yet.

@Jeleste maybe you're right. I'll give it a little time and see how things go

Men use porn because most men seem to have the desire to live like a middle Eastern sheikh with a harem.

Our society isn't conducive to this (and probably shouldn't be). Most men quell this desire using pornography. There's a reason they don't usually follow specific porn stars. It's a side effect of having a fairly normal male sex drive

If you feel as if this makes you "not enough" it's not because these pornstars are more attractive than you. It's because you're not Mystique from the X-Men. Because you're one woman, rather than fifteen.

That said, if that's a line for you then you shouldn't be in this relationship. You're going to be limiting your dating pool severely though (and about 10% of those people will genuinely not use porn, the other 90% will lie and know how to use incognito mode).

@TinyTinathy yes you're right. He was using incognito mode but nothings ever really deleted/ hidden. There's always a record of it if you know where to look!

Porn addicts are a waste of your time and mental health. Leave.