Emotional Affair, Menopause, Empty Nest all in one

[Lomita277]

I Just arrived on holiday in the beautiful south of France end of August and DH tells me on first night "You are like my best friend but I don't love you any more". Before the holiday he was obsessing about his hair, teeth whitening, putting lock on mobile phone so I knew something was up. On the first night of my holiday, I was literally like Emma Thompson in "Love Actually" mopping up the tears and forcing massive enthusiasm to enjoy a week away with DS ages 19 and 17. They don't know about it at all but DS1 jokingly said "Dad is going through a midlife crisis because he's whitening his teeth"...

It took me two weeks to get out of him that he has been having an "emotional affair" with a women (in this really small town that I live in) who I actually know. He says that her partner knows and that it is over.

He says he has a loss of confidence in his looks (his family are attractive and somewhat narcissistic), feels trapped by the life we have, and hates work.

Since then he has been literally all over the place, promising on one hand that we would try to work through it, and the next day something would affect him and he would be right back to the start. Blaming me that I am living a sedentary life because I don't go out to the pub and stay on till the end of the night. That is something he is not "ready for".

Actually I am not sedentary at all- I participate in lots of sports and have a new part time professional career that fulfils me massively. I told him that I loved him and I am happy with our relationship and would do whatever he needed to help.

At the same time, I am literally traumatised by my son's moving 3 hours away to college. He is my eldest and is a child that I have always had an effortless connection with. In my mind, he has responded 100% to my "mothering" and has been the most perfect thing I have achieved in my life.

Third thing! 51, straight into the menopause. So -moods all over the place, restless sleep, feelings of depression when thinking about two things above!!!!

I would literally welcome any advice to help with this. My husband is going to do some counselling and I will join in if needed but for the moment I literally have nobody to talk to except (believe it or not) my incredibly caring MIL. I am constantly going back and forth between being extremely angry with DH for this and trying to avoid the fact that things may not work out in the end.

What a shit storm OP
It’s all a bit much but frankly your son and menopause are issues you cannot do much about

With regards to husband I don’t know if you
Can do anything . People speak
Of the ‘pick me dance’ . I appreciate you
Have invested into this marriage but feel very strongly you deserve better than this

What do you want for your marriage ?

You are right about not having control over 2 out of 3 of the above. I was in shock when he said it as to be honest I was really happy with how our marriage was going.

I admit that I diverted a bit of attention from my husband while DS 1 and 2 were young, but in many ways I feel I have given him freedom to meet his friends, to pursue projects, work and hobbies in the way he wants to. He can be very decisive and has a dynamic personality whereas I am very easy going and tend to not get worked up over things.

Of course, I want our relationship to work out. I love him and at this stage in my life, I feel no need to be free and do new things alone or with someone else (this is what he says appeals to him)...

There is little to be gained from blaming yourself OP as everyone divests when there are small children . As heartbreaking as It is , I think you need to sit down as ask can this be salvaged ? Yes ? No ?

Sadly you can’t force him to stay and he the faithful husband you deserve

It’s really shit , and a time repeated tale

There IS something you can do about menopause: HRT. I got back my sleep, my energy, my brain, my love of life. Brilliant bloody stuff. Go talk to gp, menopause doesn't have to be 'the end' of energy, sleep and stable moods. I'm postponing it as long as I can!

PS your dh is a self indulgent, selfish twat. Telling you on the first day of holidays. WTF did he think that would achieve apart from the holiday from hell for you?! And telling you after it had finished! Was that to make himself feel better or simply to hurt you?

Sort out HRT, get your mojo back, get angry and tell Mr Indecisive to stick his selfish indulgent midlife crisis up his arse! Commit all in or fuck off!