Should I stay for the children?

[AllThingsBeingUnequal]

I feel misunderstood and smothered - my marriage has never been right for me and I'm desperate to find some happiness. But our children are young and my other half is a good person, only I’ve never loved them enough, I crave companionship and understanding that he just can't give me. We have tried counselling, organising time together and discussing where things were not working. Our issues never got resolved and now I fear it's too late. But our children... I don't know if I can do it to them, how will it impact them now and as adults.... yet I don't think I can live like this much longer either... Has anyone else faced this?

Never stay for the children. Your children don't need an unhappy mother and they definitely don't need to learn that when you're unhappy you should stay.

Are you working? Are you in the financial position to leave? Do you have family that could help?

This idea that you "must stay for the children" is really outdated. Almost 50% of children these days have divorced parents. It's not great, no, but it's not the worst thing that can happen and trust me, as a child of divorced parents and a divorced mum myself, they will be fine.

If he is a good father and a good person then it is a lot easier. My ex is a good father and we get along well, so co parent together great. DS is happy, and both ex and I are happy, which we would not have been had we stayed married.

Children pick up on a lot more than you think they do. They will sense the unhappiness in the house. If you are planning on separating then the younger the children are the better.

Children do better with two happy separated parents than parents who together and are unhappy. This is the example you’re showing them for future relationships; if it’s not what you’d want for them as adults then you don’t want to them to be thinking this is what’s normal.

My parents have been married over 40 years. They don't love each other and it was evident when growing up this was the case. I didn't witness affection, respect, love only resentment and passive aggressiveness. As a result all of my relationships have been unhealthy and mirror that of my parents, I don't know any different.
It may seem you are shattering your children's world, but look at it from the other side of the coin. You could meet someone you truly love and demonstrate to them what a healthy, happy relationship should look like. You could change the type of relationships your children end up in.
I wish I would take my own advice as I'm in a similar situation to you OP, I understand how hard it is. Do what's best for you, your children will benefit most having a happy mummy.

There is only one circumstance where 'staying for the chikdren' stands even the slightest chance of working. That is when both spouses actively want t and both are prepared to ut in the effort to build a healthy relationship. A kind of mutual wake up call.

I don't think your circumstances e like that.

Thank you all for your comments and support, I was a little confused by the mum comments and then realised I had a typo in my post. I am the husband in this situation. I feel somewhat embarrassed now that I have posted on Mumsnet with this mistake as it may change people’s perspective.

I’ve found it hard to talk to male friends as they just don’t open up the same about how emotions in relationships can impact mental health.

I think if you are unhappy you should end the marriage. It wont do the DCs any good to be with 2 unhappy parents. As long as they know you both love them and its not their fault they will be ok. Would you want shared custody? How old are they? Have you any family you can talk to?

Sorry for assuming OP!

My answer is still the same. What is your financial situation, do you and your wife both work and would you want 50/50 custody?

@waxonwaxoff0 I would love 50/50 custody but the reality of my work means that 3/7 days a week would be more achievable whilst maintaining an income to support two households. We both work but I am the main breadwinner, my wife gave up work after our second child, something I didn’t have much choice in and would have preferred if this had not been the case but accepted that she really really wanted to stay at home rather than have someone else raise our children.

I crave companionship and understanding that he just can't give me
Why can't she give you this?
Childhood trauma?
Assault?
Past abuse?

Basically you never stay for the children.
If it's not a loving happy relationship, you are setting them up to have the same relationship you currently have.
That's the model they will follow as it's their 'normal'.

If you DW has issues with something that is not allowing her to be loving then could you work on this together?
Is she having counselling or therapy to overcome her issues?