Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I over reacting?

24 replies

Orangelocket · 24/09/2019 23:03

A couple of days ago I was sitting next to my DH when a chat head from FB messenger popped up. I couldn't see it clearly but it was a female. Anyway- fast forward to today and I've noticed this person has liked a pic of DH. I just felt uneasy so I searched her name and it came up with lots of DH commenting on her pics, liking and loving posts etc. He knows her from an old workplace he was briefly at. I asked him outright if he had been messaging her and he said yes. I asked to see them and he did show me them. All just friendly chit chat and she had messaged 1st. I'm feeling a bit mad over it all though, I feel like hes crossed a line. The comments and likes on pics etc are a bit much imo. Hes really made an effort to interact with her and now she's begun messaging him privately I feel like a line needs to be drawn. She is also single. Or am I just acting ott?

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 24/09/2019 23:14

My sense is you are over-reacting a bit as he has made no attempt to cover anything up and from what I gather there is no flirtatious/ physical / over personal element to the comments.

What volume of private messaging is there? And how personal is it?

Every couple establishes what they are happy with with each other's relationships - have you done this? If he has done something you have made clear in the past that you don't want him to, then that is no good..... but if you are looking for a temperature check as to whether 'this kind of thing' is problematic , then nothing you have told me so far would bother me. My boyfriend has way closer communication with lots of women than that, but it is all transparent and he talks about me all the time.

That would be another question worth looking at....Does he say anything in these chats to mention his commitment to you or is mention of you being unnaturally erased from them? (Eg if she asks 'what did you do today?' Does he answer 'went swimming with my Girlfriend', or does he just say 'went swimming'?)

GreyWhiteBlue · 24/09/2019 23:24

I don’t think you are overreacting. I would be very unhappy with this.

lexiepuppy · 25/09/2019 05:25

Let's reverse it and spin it round. If you were doing the same thing and private messaging an old work colleague, would he be happy?
Personally, I think it's a slippery slope.

Shoxfordian · 25/09/2019 05:34

If it isn't flirty then I think you're overreacting
Do you have reasons not to trust him?

Original poster
Orangelocket · 25/09/2019 06:20

He isn't a big social media user which is why I'm probably feeling uneasy as this stands out as unusual for him.
She did ask him about his family and he ignored the question and carried on talking about how she shouldn't settle for anyone less than what she deserves.
Lexi- I think this is my issue. I wouldn't be messaging a colleague like this. The number of 'loves' on pics etc is flirtacious and the comments are out of character for him and I 100% think he would feel uncomfortable if it was me doing the same!
Mayne I do need to just shake it off and give him the benefit of the doubt.

OP posts:
kmammamalto · 25/09/2019 06:26

I think things like this are so subjective to you and your relationship. Asking online can make you feel bad about the way you feel about it but you maybe justified in feeling that way, and it's your right to feel however you like.
For example in my relationship this wouldn't be on, either way round it would be seen as disrespectful. But that's my relationship and no one else's. Basically what I'm trying to say is that if you feel it's a bit off then it probably is and you need to talk to him about that.

Original poster
Orangelocket · 25/09/2019 06:29

Thank you, I think you are right. We did briefly talk last night but he had had a drink so it was pointless and made me feel worse!

OP posts:
finn1020 · 25/09/2019 06:37

No, it’s inappropriate and one thing can lead to another.

Heartburn888 · 25/09/2019 07:03

No I wouldn’t like it. He needs to stop and show you some respect

Itsallgonewoowoo · 25/09/2019 07:24

If he wouldn't like you to do it then he shouldn't.

Badolddays · 25/09/2019 07:34

No I definitely would not be happy with that.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 25/09/2019 07:40

To be honest, I think a lot should be said for gut feeling. I wouldn’t feel very comfortable about this either OP. Imo this is a bit of a slippery slope. It’s great he was so honest, and just showed you, but I would talk to him, in a non accusing way, as say it’s making you feel uncomfortable and you believe it to be overstepping a line and you’d rather he wasn’t privately messaging her.

valleysareus · 25/09/2019 07:45

If he has nothing to hide and it's just everyday chit chat I don't see a problem with it. Both me and my partner have friends of the opposite sex that we talk to occasionally.

Ozziewozzie · 25/09/2019 07:59

She’s after him, and he’s enjoying the attention.
She’s asked if he has family which in these circumstances can translate to ( are you with someone?)
He ignores the question ( I don’t want to stop talking to you because I’m enjoying the excitement of this)
She then states the type of person she wants ( leading conversation to her wanting a man)
And so fourth.
I personally feel he’s being disrespectful to you. Yes he’s showed you messages but only because in his view, as he hasn’t met up with her or said anything direct, he is convincing himself it’s a just friends situation.
I bet you any money, the thought has crossed his mind that this is wrong, but he then tells himself, he hasn’t actually done it said anything.

Ask your husband to message her saying ‘I really hope you meet someone soon and then you can experience the happiness i feel.’
Then send some pictures of you (looking gorgeous and happy with dh) and of your kids.
If their contact is innocent, their contact will maintain and she’ll be happy to hear all about you all.
If there is another motive, the messaging will trot off as there is nothing to gain.

Surely, if this is all innocent, your husband will have no problem doing this. If he objects, I would very firmly point out, that he’s just answered your question.

Livelovebehappy · 25/09/2019 08:26

Maybe he looks on it as friendly chat, but she may be looking at it differently, so you are not over reacting. Affairs generally do start out relatively innocently, but can then develop into something more very quickly. Tell him you feel uncomfortable about the situation and he should respect that and back off.

Windmillwhirl · 25/09/2019 08:33

I agree with ozziewozzie. He avoided the family question because he thought she may reduce or cut contact and he is enjoying it and doesn't want to risk that.

You've mentioned to him how you feel, hopefully he will cop on and realise what he stands to lose.

Sorry you are feeling upset.

NewMe2019 · 25/09/2019 17:12

I wouldn't like this. I think it's a slippery slope too and how these things start. You've already said the amount is unusual for him. Listen to your instincts. She is sounding him out about his family. Trying to suss out if he's in a happy relationship or not. She's noticed how much attention he's giving her.

MikeUniformMike · 25/09/2019 18:45

He is crossing a boundary. You are not overreacting.

user1479305498 · 25/09/2019 20:34

I had an employee (single mum in her40s) who worked with me and H, she naturally texted and whatsapped a lot, it got though that she was contacting H a lot, and by that I mean multiple times a day, it also got that he started deleting and hiding it (unbeknown to him I had checked via WhatsApp web as I was very concerned) to be frank there was nothing that fishy it was mainly just chit chat , tittle tattle but the fact he deleted , hid the fact she was doing this from me and ‘joined in’ annoyed me hugely because I would have asked her to ‘give it a rest’. When I eventually brought it up he said he knew it would annoy me but didn’t know how to tell her to cut it out. Thing is OP, I think these guys get a bloody buzz from it, even if nothing is going on. I would tell him that you would rather he kept it to occasional catch ups! Otherwise it feels like an emotional affair .

Original poster
Orangelocket · 25/09/2019 20:37

So turns out my gut instinct was right. After I mentioned it last night he continued to message her but claims to have been too drunk to remember what he said but he is as guilty as hell! Today he apparently doesn't want to be with me, hasn't for a while. He said he messaged her this morning to apologise for anything he said last night and that he shouldn't have done it. Not sure what to believe right now though but I do know that those messages that were sent where probably the end of us. He not only crossed a line, he has pissed all over it! I'm in absolute pieces over it all!

OP posts:
Yeahnahyeah1 · 25/09/2019 20:42

Oh Christ. What, he’s told you now he doesn’t want to be with you any longer? What an awful situation OP. Always trust your gut I guess. Do you have support around you?

SuspicionAintTheWay · 25/09/2019 20:43

Oh Orangelocket, I've been in a very similar position. Still gutted.
I am so sad for you. Big hug.

thespellhasbeenbroken123 · 25/09/2019 20:46

I'm so so sorry op :(

Maseandmum · 25/09/2019 20:48

I’m so sorry opFlowers

New posts on this thread. Refresh page