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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dont want double standards but need help on Old..

22 replies

notmrscookie · 24/09/2019 22:33

I have a fab new iron who I share so much in common. We have both been cheated on by exs and dislike lies etc and have requested full honesty.
How ever he is new the the area is in a rented house with 4 others and doesn't have a car.. His job pays ok.....He says he might buy own place but not sure
I however due to losing my oarents when young and having a good solicitor have kept the familh home which is in a nice good area ...it is paid off...we had a mini chat on money ...We are getting to the point of dtd ..i was thinking of bringing him to mine .. it will happen at some time..

I doht want to sat i own house.. suggestions pls ?

OP posts:

category12 · 24/09/2019 22:40

Is he really likely to ask whether you rent or own or whatnot? Seems a really intrusive question.

Fookinwot · 24/09/2019 22:41

I would refrain from plugging it in when doing the deed.

Chaosandmadness · 24/09/2019 22:51

@Fookinwot

Finfintytint · 24/09/2019 22:56

I think you need to press him on the issue.

drivingtofrance · 24/09/2019 22:57

Don't tell him unless you want to.

Do you suspect he's a gold digger?

bionicnemonic · 24/09/2019 23:08

I suspect he may guess? If it’s something of ‘interest’ to him he may just hopefully make the assumption. Because he has nothing to lose by thinking that. I can’t see what you can do. Do you have children? You could put it into trust for them but that may be a little extreme

Everafter1 · 24/09/2019 23:24

How come?
If you trust him enough to bring him into your home & sleep with him then why can't he know that you own it?
Would he even care that much?
Are you unsure if you trust him?

TimeForNewStart · 24/09/2019 23:34

Clearly it is important to you that others are honest to you, but no so important that you are honest yourself.

Also, declarations of ‘full honesty’ are a bit meaningless and kind of immature when you barely know a person.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 24/09/2019 23:54

I checked the law, and can confirm that telling someone you own your own house doesn't entitle them to half of it.

Happy to help.

Original poster

notmrscookie · 25/09/2019 00:07

My ex dod say knowing I was loaded increased my sex appeal to him...( When he wanted to get everything off his chest )
Kids are 24 and 19..... Did buy house 22 years ago when it was a 1/4 of todays price....

He is most likely in time to suggest we buy a joint place...... i dont think i could go that fair i like my space ..

OP posts:

Everafter1 · 25/09/2019 00:13

My ex dod say knowing I was loaded increased my sex appeal to him

Well I suppose if you're wanting to sleep with the new guy then it might be a good idea to slip in that you own it!

Seriously though, does it matter? He's going to the house anyway. I'm sure he'll be aware that renting would cost more than the mortgage payments.

You won't move in with him anyway because you like your own space, so there's no need for secrecy. If you want this to go any further than just sleeping together then no point in fabricating stories.

pictish · 25/09/2019 05:31

I agree that the ‘full honesty’ policy is daft at this stage. He hasn’t even been to your house but you’ve promised each other full honesty. Now you’re asking how you should lie about owning your house.

You don’t need to promise full honesty to someone you’re freshly dating, nor he you. How would either of you know if one another is telling the truth? It’s meaningless at this stage .

Just say it’s long term rented from a family friend or sommat.

Shockers · 25/09/2019 05:45

You haven’t dtd, or invited him back, even for a coffee, yet you’re thinking that he might suggest joint ownership at some point?

How long have you been seeing him?

31RueCambon75001 · 25/09/2019 06:14

Say it is half your brother's. No brother? Say it has to be sold soon. If he sticks around knowing it has to besold to pay the debts to their estate he wont think ur loaded.

itsmecathycomehome · 25/09/2019 06:44

Do you want to avoid telling him that you're financially secure so that you can be certain he is pursuing a relationship with you for the right reasons?

Because he's interested in you right now, regardless of your property value.

And if you're never going to live with him, it doesn't matter what he thinks or wants really does it, because it's not going to happen.

And you're getting way ahead of yourself. Just enjoy it for what it is and cross those bridges as they arise.

Suppertimelove · 25/09/2019 07:06

Why would you tell someone you have no mortgage? - surely people just ask do you rent/own.

user1493413286 · 25/09/2019 07:09

Don’t mention it until you’re serious. If you don’t want to buy together you’ll have to be clear about that in the future.

wishywashy6 · 25/09/2019 08:05

He is most likely in time to suggest we buy a joint place...... i dont think i could go that fair i like my space ..

So tell him that.

MzHz · 25/09/2019 08:38

Woah there! Where’s the fire?

You are at the VERY VERY beginning of a potential relationship with a bloke and you’re thinking about the other point at which he’ll suggest buying together - you are WAAAAAAY too mentally invested in this and waaaaaaay too soon.

He’s in a house share with 4 others... I’d suggest that the time he’ll be able to buy will be a very very long time off.

He’s very likely looking to find someone with their own home cos it could mean he can move in and live for free. So you’re right to be wary, you attract liars (the cheating ex).

If I were you I’d pursue relationships with people on a more equal economic standing to yours.

It would be different if he had his own rental, he doesn’t. You have a lot to offer and a lot to lose.

MzHz · 25/09/2019 08:41

You don’t need to promise full honesty to someone you’re freshly dating, nor he you. How would either of you know if one another is telling the truth? It’s meaningless at this stage

Exactly, and in my experience- especially in OLD realm - when ‘truth’ is sworn, it’s usually a load of bollocks. If this truth thing has been driven by him - red flag.

Jennifer2r · 25/09/2019 09:29

Him "so do you own this house or rent it, it's huge?"

You "that's none of your business you cheeky so and so"

EASY.

Trenchcoated · 25/09/2019 09:37

I think you need to press him on the issue.

OP, ironing aside, this sounds like a very weird situation. He's a very new boyfriend, he hasn't been to your house yet, you haven't had sex yet, but you've already had a conversation about money, think he's a gold-digger and are envisaging that he'll want to move in with you???

Don't you think you might want to concentrate on holding hands in bars, a bit of initial chitchat and ripping each other's clothes off for a bit first before you get into comparing your assets?

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