When you have a difficult mother...

[Richtea15]

Not sure where to start with this, to be honest. As a little background context, I'm in my 20s and live a flight journey away from my mum.

I've never been especially "close" to my mum. Our relationship has always been what I can only characterise as rocky. I'll have times where I feel like I can trust and be open with her, only to later recoil when she behaves in a way that damages that trust I thought we'd built.

My mum has a tendency to say exactly what she thinks in the moment, regardless of whether it is inappropriate or rude. Not necessarily in public. But she'll definitely say it to me, about me, or my friends, family, etc. She always acts on her emotions, always. This is key, here.

So, the most recent, ahem, "disagreement" was a few days ago. My partner, whom I live with, went to visit his family for a few days following the death of a direct relative. DM began making remarks about DP being gone a long time, and that he had "left" me on my own. I quickly clarified that I was perfectly fine, and that DP was away for a very sensitive reason, and should be with his family at this time. Quite frankly, this was absolutely none of my mum's business. DM then swiftly turned the situation onto herself, stating that no one was around to support her when so-and-so died in her family, etc. I bluntly told her that I felt she was being insensitive. She went on, making comments like "well I think he (dp) should have spent more time with - (relative) when they were alive". At this point, I was feeling really disappointed and shocked at her comments. I told her so, and she began acting like I had hurt her so deeply, that I was treating her so unkindly and unfairly, etc. Insisting that I don't care about her, no one cares about her, etc. This included comments implying that she cares about me more than DP (based entirely on the fact that he was spending a few days with his family?!).

Needless to say, by the end of the conversation, I felt absolutely drained. Emotionally and physically. I really don't know how much more of this I can keep taking from her. I would never tell her, because God knows I love her, but this time I've had enough. It's hard to know what to do, going forward. I feel so hurt and disappointed by her when she starts acting like this. But this time is worse - I just feel empty.

You need to look up 'grey rock'. The sooner you learn not to expect anything good from her, the sooner you'll stop being disappointed by her. I know it's tough, it sucks. But she won't/can't change, so you have to.

After years of trying to have a normal relationship with my mother, and Years of trying to work out what was wrong with her so I could fix it, I finally accepted she is what she is and can't be more.

@picklemepopcorn

Thank you for the advice - I've just looked up 'grey rock' and I have found that when I don't "rise" to her and change the subject, she soon gives up! It's easier said than done, especially when she says something that's so utterly unkind (and a hit at mine and DP's integrity?!)

So she’s allowed to be frank with her opinions but gets upset if you are?
Does she ask you about yourself? Or does she deal mainly with her own life and feelings?

@Herocomplex

Yes. That is exactly how it feels.

It is always about her and how she feels. And if it isn't about her, she will find a way to relate it to her and how she feels.

Don't get me wrong - she'll ask me how my day was, and stuff like that. But she will never entertain my feelings or opinions, which is why our minor disagreements blow so much out of proportion.

I know, but when you think about it- she's wrong, she's usually wrong, you don't respect her opinion, so why pay any attention? Just let it wash over you. For the sake of politeness say something neutral like 'oh, do you think?' Then just ignore.

My mum has mad awful comments about the way I look and the way I dress. She thinks I should dress more like her- but she's 30 yrs older than me and a totally different shape, why would we dress the same? There's no point arguing, though.

I know that sounds trivial- she's also said and done far more shocking things- but sometimes it's easier to see how irrelevant someone's opinion is about a superficial issue than about a serious issue.

I know, but when you think about it- she's wrong, she's usually wrong, you don't respect her opinion, so why pay any attention? Just let it wash over you. For the sake of politeness say something neutral like 'oh, do you think?' Then just ignore.

My mum has mad awful comments about the way I look and the way I dress. She thinks I should dress more like her- but she's 30 yrs older than me and a totally different shape, why would we dress the same? There's no point arguing, though.

I know that sounds trivial- she's also said and done far more shocking things- but sometimes it's easier to see how irrelevant someone's opinion is about a superficial issue than about a serious issue.

This is really really difficult. My mother makes rude and racist comments (dsis husband is mixed race). Constant digs and negativity. Always loves to make everyday decisions and normal life challenges into drama.
I have had to lower contact but it's truly hard. Grey rock is the way to go. Mine has improved a little as I don't engage in her conversations and point out positive aspects of life. She soon tires of it.

DMs sees the world as her own personal drama and the rest of us are just bit players.

I think the key is to accept her for who she is, and to tailor yourself accordingly.

It's easier said than done - 'I accept that I will never be close to my mother like some people are, I accept that my mother is not a very nice person, I accept that my mother and I will never have the relationship we could have because she refuses to behave decently...'

Easier said than done right, and quite hurtful.

But that's the key. She is who she is and you're just walking into it.

Thank you all for the advice.

I need to follow my sister's lead - she's good at being neutral and not letting my mum get to her! I'm naturally more sensitive than her, so that's probably why I struggle with that approach. I will keep practising, however! I felt so miserable after that last argument with her.

The thing I find hard is, she seems quite unhappy at times. She's angry because she hasn't got many friends, doesn't see her family as often as she wants, isn't looked after by her family as well as she wishes- but she's horrible to us. Why would her grandchildren want to spend time with her when she's so mean?

I can't work out if her grief and sadness is real, or just disguised anger at not getting her own way.

@picklemepopcorn

Do you and I have the same mum?! Haha!

I find myself asking the same question. It’s easy for people to tell you to “take no notice”, but you do still care about your mother, and still can’t help feeling guilty when she’s upset.

I don't feel guilty any more. She's impossible to please. I behave according to my own conscience rather than to please her. It's much easier!

Shockingly, I realised recently that I won't miss her when she dies (she's 80). I'll be relieved. It's not a pleasant realisation, I know, but I get nothing from her- no support, no enjoyment, no good feelings at all. It's all just obligation and duty.

My dad was a lovely man, I miss him and feel so sad that his life (and eventually death) was blighted by his love for her. I just hope he didn't regret it too much before he died. I know he had a few moments where he struggled to understand why she wasn't kinder to him.

Sorry that is so dark- I'm still struggling to process his illness and death 18 months ago. I think it was during that time my thoughts really crystallised about her!

There’s a website you might like to look at - it’s called Out of The Fog, and deals with how some of us live in fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to some relationships. It talks about ‘grey rock’ and a few other ideas to help yourself to feeling more positive about yourself.

@picklemepopcorn

So sorry for your loss I do hope your mum didn't make the grieving process any harder for you.

You're not responsible for her feelings.
You can be responsible for being pleasant, you can choose to avoid saying things that will provoke pointless conflict. You can choose to be kind when she's upset. But her feelings are her problem, not yours.

Easier said than done, but not a bad strategy to work towards.

I've just read a book called Adult Children if Emotionally Immature Parents, which describes your (and my) mother to a T..... it's a quick read and interesting to see this behaviour (which I thought was unique to my mother) has a name.

AS? Just a thought.

In my case, NPD. Undiagnosed obviously, because there's nothing wrong with her it's everyone else.

I thought ASD at first, then attachment disorder.

Try looking up 'daughters of narcissistic mothers', see if that rings any bells.

It is always about her and how she feels. And if it isn't about her, she will find a way to relate it to her and how she feels
Narcissism.