What should I do- friend trying to set me up with brother

[DreamingOfLivingInAChateau]

Hi, so bare with me as this is long as I don’t want to drip feed…

I would really appreciate some advice here-
A bit of back story – I found my mum a guy to come do her garden last year, he and I became good friends, and through that I’ve become close friends with his fiancé- - we now regularly do things together – all good there!! I don’t have many friends at home as most of them are still at uni or have moved to Australia!!
I care for my mum, and have some health difficulties myself- at the moment, which are causing me severe anxiety – (I’ve had anxiety since I was diagnosed with T1D aged 5- though only peripherally speaking, and only diagnosed part way through uni- only started taking meds for it Christmas last year after my health deteriorated and I nearly lost my eyesight which caused me to have a minor breakdown- didn’t lose my sight then but still receiving treatment for it now- still at risk of it if the doctors can’t get on top of it which is proving tricky- and the treatment can cause sight loss anyway – the joys!!! ). For which I’m receiving treatment

Anyway,
His brother – who I was peripherally aware of in various conversations has mental health issues, and was hospitalized for a very long time, he was released about 18 months ago to go live at home with parents.
Recently my mum and I met our friends at a country house open day for a walk and food, my friend had bought his brother too, along with their mum- we then all went for a walk, and the brother hung back to talk to me – A LOT-(facilitated by my male friend) when my anxiety is not causing problems I can be chatty, but am quiet with people I don’t know too well, especially men- ok- fine, I managed and he seemed nice – however- and I will state this now- I DO NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE- NOR ANYTHING NO STRINGS ATATCHED, I DON’T LIKE IT, AND IT GIVES MY ANXIETY EVEN MORE TO FEED ON- I have more than enough in my life, great friends, plenty of completely platonic cuddles and don’t want or need anything else – thanks-
So our friends came for dinner later in the week and male friend asks how I like his DB- because his DB like me, (with the whole "look" - you know the one- that syas "so do you fancy him, he fancies you" look) and I said well enough, seems sweet- hurriedly followed by the affirmation that I am in no way, shape or form open to a relationship, or anything even along that vein- female friend is rolling her eyes at her fiancé at this point as it’s a conversation we’ve had in the past, and she accepts that’s how I feel!!! Thankfully!
Apparently though, he (the DB) wants to come on dog walks with me, and when we went to another event the weekend just gone, was asking me for coffee and food at the fair, (I don’t eat or drink really whilst out due to a stomach condition and fear of not reaching a bathroom!!!). he then proceeded to look very disappointed when I gently said that I didn’t really eat out-

My dog walks are my ME time, where I can clear my head, be alone and just breathe, I cant cope without a bit of time to myself, and working full time and looking after my mum, while dealing with my own health issues leave me a pitifully small amount of free time as it is!!! I know to the outside I look mostly together, in quite a good place- coping etc, and in a good place, but I'm not, I think like a lot of women we are hard wired to put on a bit of a brave face and make like everything’s “fine” when it’s not- plus, it’s not like I have any support to speak of, so I do just tend to get on with what needs doing- and make myself look "together" as a result.

I supposed what I’m trying to say is how do I extricate myself from this situation, he’s sweet but I can see myself becoming the emotional crutch so him, its happened before, with my ex, only this time I’m not in a good place myself even to start with- I don’t want the guy to get hurt but equally I can give him emotional support, or a relationship, which I what he and his brother seem to be angling for- despite conversations with my friend about me aversion to relationships, or intimacies in general!!!

Help!!

And thanks, if you made it all the way through that mildly convoluted mess!

Bless you OP, I can relate to a lot of that (unfortunately). It is hard when you have anxiety or are naturally a people pleaser but you are not obligated to anyone, ever and your time is your own. Someone attempting to encroach into your time can only succeed in so far as you let them so you are best served to find a way to reiterate that you are not interested and speak to your friend openly about how this is affecting you and making you feel you cannot say no. Perhaps they can intervene.

Put yourself first, there is no reason to be even weighing up what you can give someone- you have already decided you don't want to- that is that. There is nothing to justify. You can have all the time in the world and still not want to be involved with this person being foisted on you .

You have been through a lot, and clearly recognise you need your energy and time for you- don't let this person spoil that. Practice wording things that finely express 'no' and don't fall into the trap of giving vague answers and maybe's to requests to meet, even though these are the easier thing to do in the moment. Your responsibility is to yourself, not to his feelings or his problems or his wants.

I think you're in a better place mentally than you realise! You know exactly what you want/dontwant and exactly what you do/don't have the capacity for.

Sadly, there are a lot of people who wont accept that people (women esp) are happily single and see it as 'just a matter of time' before you acquiesce.

I completely agree, if he has MH issues (too) then the last thing you want is to become a mental/emotional crutch for him.

The fact you can see and articulate this means that you are streets ahead of some people in terms of self awareness and insight. I don't mean to sound patronising - I'm actually a bit in awe of you.

So, in that basis, I think you just stand your ground - repeat that you're not interested; say it's going to become uncomfortable if you have to keep turning him down - and that you will and that it's not a topic of conversation any more. Don't even let yourself be drawn into hearing all about his good qualities or be called to justify it. He could be the most amazing, perfect man in the world. You're still not obliged to date him if it's not what you want to do.

Eve if you were available and wanted a relationship, I don't think you should hook up with someone who has mental health issues if you suffer with anxiety.

Can you imagine two people living together, being anxious and depressed together? It would be a nightmare. You could bounce off each other in a negative way, bringing each other down.

In any event, you know that you don't want an intimate relationship. You need to tell your friend one last time that you do not want one with anyone and especially this guy and they need to back off. Tell them in no uncertain terms not to raise the subject again. Tell the guy too if he invites you out again or asks to dog walk with you. Just say no thanks, you do not have to give a reason.

Sounds like you've already done all you should need to do. You've flat out turned the brother down and you've made an obvious 'im not interested' excuse to him. That should be that surely. Maybe you might have to say no again once to him but after that he should get the hint.

If brother asks again you say 'I've already told you im not interested' and look annoyed. If he asks again either make another excuse or better 'im sorry, but im just not interested'. It sounds harsh but it's better than having to constantly turn him down.

Any more asks, from brother - he is not your friend.

You could also say 'im sorry but I have enough issues of my own without dating, let alone dating someone who is also working through their own issues. That wouldn't be healthy for either of us. And im not interested anyway' (to brother, not to him lol)

You're doing fine, sounds like you have your head screwed on.

"As I have told you already, I am not interested in a relationship with you and I prefer to be alone when walking my dog."

Repeat as necessary, be more firm if you need to be, and DO NOT give reasons or apologies for feeling as you do. If he really pesters you, tell him to fuck off and inform your friend that his brother is being a nuisance.

Oh and don't be guilt tripped into 'just one date' either as the guilt tripping will be worse afterwords when yo say you don't want to see him again.