What happens now?

[ChesterDraws63]

Married for 20+ yrs.

My DH has never had a particularly high sex drive (after the first crazy 6 months), but it has now dwindled to zero. We've not had sex for 3 years.

We have had a stressful few years dealing with family bereavement, illness, and issues with his very toxic family. I have trodden carefully around his lack of libido up til now. Our home situation is now much better, thankfully. We were away on holiday last week, when I tentatively broached the possibility of resuming our physical relationship.

I was staggered when he said he just wasn't interested. That he's pretty sure he is asexual. Oh, and I should 'lay off the MacDonalds and the KFC'...
For info, I'm 5ft 8, size 16. I'm not skinny for sure, but neither am I Jabba the Hut.

I just don't know how I am supposed to feel. I'm very upset at the fat shaming, obvs. But I'm more upset that he's never told me that he's not actually that keen on sex.

Not sure what I'm looking for here, really. I feel as though our marriage has been based on a lie that has taken 20+ years to come out, and I don't know how I feel about it.

Can someone only realise gradually that they are asexual? Be kind please, folks. I feel shattered.

(NC for this as have given info in previous threads that could 'out' me)

Sounds like the fat shaming is a distraction as he knows the real problem is within himself. Sorry, it must be tough to hear him speak to you like that 💟

That he's pretty sure he is asexual. Oh, and I should 'lay off the MacDonalds and the KFC'...

Sounds to me like his more of a cunt than he is asexual

Sorry he said that to you 😞 Do you think he could be privately still “sorting himself out”. Any long stints in the bathroom or found porn use? Because if so then he’s not asexual from my understanding.

It's a difficult one. I was asexual in my marriage. Then once we broke up found I was very much sexual again. Keeping up a sexual interest in a long term marriage is hard.

Do you touch at all? Hug, lie together touching in bed?

No long stints in the bathroom that I know of. Don't know about porn.

We do still share a bed, although I go to bed earlier than him. He falls asleep in his chair in front of the tv usually these days. We do hug although that is usually initiated by me. He tells me he loves me all the time, and is generally very kind. But there's no snogging or anything like that.

I've always been more physical than him, and I've always been aware that he is a bit 'prim'. When we still had sexual, he was happy to receive oral (IF he was in the mood) but rarely reciprocated.

I just feel very sad. He's made one excuse after another over the last number of years. He's too tired. He's too stressed. He's too worried about family members. I feel like I've wasted the best years of my life waiting for - what?

I'm on Fluoxetine (quelle surprise) so my own libido is much reduced. But it's still there.

He says we have a great life. A nice house. Great kids (now aged 18+ and increasingly living their own lives away from home). I just don't know how I feel about him any more. And I don't know what to do about it.

I have to agree with pp he is turning the situation around to you rather than dealing with his own problem.

I guess the answer you need to ask yourself is what do you want out from this relationship - continue with dh in a sexless marriage, ask dh if he would mind if you had an affair/have a FWB who can satisfy your sexual
appetite. It is really up to you.

@italianfiat

Oh god, life's too short to waste with someone who doesn't make you feel wanted/attractive. Sounds like the 'fat shame' (FYI, S16 is NOT) was a defence mechanism from someone who either is a boring dud with a wrinkly wiener, or, and my first thought, someone who is possibly still hiding in the closet... is there any possibility he brings up McDonalds because he can't get gherkin off the mind

Ding the idiot on and find someone who treats you like the woman you are! (And recripocates oral, unlike your current selfish prick).

Get back out there girl, there's life in you yet. Don't waste it!