Last night I told DP I don't want to move in with him

[HeadOneHeartNil]

I adore him and we're very very happy. The romantic side of me would love nothing more than for us to live together but I'm just not willing to put my DC through the upheaval it would cause.

1. My house (mortgaged) is too small for his DC to be able to stay here so he can't move in here.

1. He's in rented in a bigger house and I simply don't want to move myself and my DC out of our lovely little home to live in a rented house again and then have to be a landlady to someone else living in my house. Also he lives miles away from DC's school and my work.

1. I have trust issues after my last relationship with DC's dad and have an awful fear that I am struggling to shake that moving in together = cosy domesticity and inevitably boredom = DP/any man cheating. Am having counselling and am thrashing this out.

He reacted really well to be fair. Said it wasn't something we had to worry about at the moment and that he loved me and we'd figure it out together going forward. He hadn't formally asked me btw, we'd just been talking about it after 2 years together.

I just feel really crappy and like I've made him feel like I don't want to be with him when I 100% do ☹️.

Tea and biccies anyone?

"He reacted really well to be fair. Said it wasn't something we had to worry about at the moment and that he loved me and we'd figure it out together going forward."
It sounds as if he understands and doesn't feel you don't want to be with him. Just carry on as you are. Maybe it is too soon so just let things evolve. Don't waste time thinking about it right now. Just enjoy being happy.

☕️🍪☕️🍪

If your house was bigger, would you like him to move in, or are you just not ready for that yet?

Sounds as though you are both on the same page!

His answer is the perfect partner to your worries, isnt it?

Sounds like a very wise decision and a very good guy. It takes a mature person to self reflect and realize their boundaries within a relationship.,

Why would you feel bad? You're making a good, responsible decision. Stop apologising.

I think you've said no for all of the right reasons. I only moved my other half and his kids in with me 18 months ago after we'd been together for nearly 6 years, and then it was a huge project to sell his house and extend mine so that all of the kids could have their own bedrooms. It's a huge decision to blend your families and in my opinion I think you need to make sure that you create enough space for everyone if possible - that's the only fair thing to do for the kids.

I don't blame you at all.

Years ago, living together used to be a kind of taster pre-marriage to make sure you we compatible before you tied the knot. Nowadays, living together seems to be very much about gaining a financial advantage and if you're not actually gaining a financial advantage, well, there isn't any point.

Nothing wrong with NOT living together either. Don't really understand why more people don't. (unless it's because of the finance thing)

Glad he took it well.

Sounds like the conversation was good and he took it well. Is this worry about it all linked to point 3 on your list?

You can still have a happy relationship without living together.

That's what we are having to do because it's even harder to blend young adult children. Until then we are still happy and have our sleep overs.

It doesn't sound like living together would work for you at the moment, so why would you do it? Enjoy what you have for now, and if you are together for the long haul you can live together once DC are older and independent. Seems completely sensible to me.

Thanks all. You're right, he is an amazing man and he's so calm and sensible and mature about all this stuff. He's definitely a keeper and I'm sure we'll work it all out in time.

I just feel a bit selfish and cruel but that's me being hard on myself. None of it is from him.

He sounds like a keeper to me OP. Don’t be hard on yourself, you’re putting your dc first that makes you a great mum and a good person.

Putting the DC’s first, has to be your priority. You are doing the right thing

Incredibly Sorry I missed your question.

If my house was big enough I'd 100% ask him to move in within the next year or two.

His DC are lovely, mine adore him and we really are incredibly compatible and happy.

I'm rebuilding my career at moment after years as a sahm so in, say, 5 years time I should be earning a lot more and we will be able to get a mortgage together or I'll have changed my mind about renting. We'll see. I need to just enjoy what we have for now and just let the rest transpire.

Feel much less crap just for reading your responses. Thank you 🙂.

Sounds sensible and mature! Enjoy yourselves.

I think this is the new norm. Lots of my friends have lovely boyfriends but they don't live together. It works and they're happy. Just be prepared for the questions, every time we all go out with someone new, they all get questioned 'so when are you two moving in' 'are you going to get married' I don't know how they keep their cool

Just make the most of what you have separately and together and when it feels right you won't be questioning it.
And if the kids are happy, don't rock the boat too much.

FabLaura we get that already and it is irritating. Mostly from his friends who are still in first marriages, I think they just have no idea about the logistics of dating when you both have DC.

It's just not as straightforward as moving in together as wide-eyed, responsibility free, 20-somethings.

It's almost like some people won't buy us as a "proper" couple until we cohabit or get married. I'd rather just figure out our own path.

Also, when I haven't seen him for a few days I get really giddy to see him again..I don't want that feeling to ever go away 😆.

It’s not selfish to articulate your needs. Just strong and responsible.

I think relationships change and when you are younger and you don't have children then a relationship and living together and having a family is all on the horizon. But circumstances change and why do you have to live with each other?
It means this way you have to make an effort and it would be foolish to do something you are really not sure about.