Cant get emotion of wife.

[catalyst31]

Hi

Things between me and my wife of 12 years (3 children all young) are not great. I am wondering how much more I can take and if any of this should be ringing alarm bells or if I really am a horrible husband.

Generally, I am seen as the sort of guy people ring straight away if they have worries or concerns. My wife would not agree with this and often cites in situations I get it wrong or I read their emotions wrong.

Here are some examples:
The other day, they woke up and said they were feeling sad. I asked "for how long?" the next response was "for two weeks...and I am frustrated that you havent noticed it" For the next 5 minutes, the focus is on that I havent' noticed her being different and she is frustrated that I "would think that was her normal behaviour".

We move past this. I ask her how she is feeling, what her worries are and eventually if she thought about seeing the doctor. She snapped "look you are being really irritating and annoying...this 'oh poor her pity her feel sorry for her'...all this emotion emotion emotion....even your tone of voice is irritating and annoying". I stop at this point, politely walk away. I try again later, but I get the same thing.

I get told in these situations I am annoying and irritating
I never understand her emotions
I never understand want she wants from me in those situations
"i dont not understand her and never will"
I just want someone who will normalise it and just be ok rather then "oh how are you feeling...what do you think...blah blah blah".

There is a repeated pattern to where she feels in these sorts of situations where I let her down. At an appointment for her, the doctor asked if i had any questions to which i said "No i am fine. (X), did you have anything else you wanted to ask?" ....this really upset her and she was very firm afterwards that this was a mistake on my part. I know I misread the situation and it was a stupid thing to say.

Another time, I found something she did at dinner sad and hurtful (emotionally upsetting, details I wont go into here but it was I felt justified at being sad...she didnt mean it that way and i think she didnt think but it hurt). She wasnt feeling well before dinner and subsequently got told that I was putting my feelings before hers (she wasnt feeling too well on the day) and I was told I am being selfish and only thinking of my own feelings and not hers - i should have put my feelings aside and focused on that she wasnt feeling well. I was kicking myself for days as to how selfish I was.

I feel like I just cant get it right. There have been other times where I have missed the mark; sometimes, in these situations I have been defensive (as I really dont know what I could have done) but I know this isnt acceptable and just need to accept that.....and other times I just apologise as quickly as I can. I feel awful for days if I get it wrong I just wish I could learn from it.

I know in these situations I am not perfect, but I always apologise. I know I never get it right all the time, but I always say im sorry. I try really hard to listen and take the feedback on board but I can never seem to get it right. Help!

I have always tried to care so much, I look after the house do more then my fair share of the childcare and make sure she doesnt have to do anything she has to....but I just cant get this emotions thing right.

I have talked about how I can be too affectionate, and I am trying to resolve that and give her more space etc. She hasnt been perfect, especially of late where some of her behaviour hasnt been very nice to me (lets say, ethically dubious) but I am trying to put things right.

Help me. Am I really that awful?

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

She sounds extremely erratic. I'd back off. Don't engage when she begins to argue.

Maybe by putting boundaries in place she will eventually be able to clarify exactly what her issues are without being a bitch.

I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties.

Some parts of your post baffle me. I'm not sure why you were at fault for not asking any questions at a medical appointment... Could you please explain the situation better?

It sounds like you're both not communicating well with each other. Maybe the stress of young children, busy jobs etc has made her impatient with you. Do you have date nights or any time for just you two together?

What did you say wrong at the medical appointment?

You didnt have any questions and out the focus back to her, the patient.

She sounds like a miserable cow. Are there highlights to this relationship?? What do you enjoy with her?

Yeah we can be really good team with our children - as a unit we are lovely and when we are alone we have some really lovely times too. Our last time to Paris was lovely and we spent some of christmas together in Berlin.

I don't think she or you are unreasonable here, if I had been feeling down and a bit shitty for a couple of weeks and my DH didn't notice but was out solving everyone elses issues I'd be quite annoyed too, especially if once I'd pointed it out he got all fussy and overbearing about it.

Maybe she doesn't need a doctor, she needs your support and not to feel like she comes second to anyone else who comes to you with a problem.

There are parts of your post that just sound like I could have written them. My DP is also incredibly demanding and expects me to know things that she simply has not made clear to me.

I will often blame myself and in particular I will blame my ASD for not getting things right but after a lot of reflection I've come to realise that she is just not very good at talking about her feelings. She's not good at communication in general and if she's not in the mood to chat then basically I am the devil if I try. The same if I want to talk through an issue we are having, it simply doesn't happen unless she is ready.

Other things have come to light that made me realise that I am in an abusive relationship, it's possible that you are in the same boat.
Now despite many people telling me to escape the relationship due to the abusive behaviour of my partner I simply will not do that, I would rather accept the abuse and learn to manage it.

For your own mental health, work out what is going on, to me it doesn't sound like you are way out of line and perhaps you do sometimes not quite get it but the overall patterns and how you speak about your own faults suggests an abusive relationship to me, don't let yourself feel like you are a failure if that is the case.

I feel for you. You so desperately want to learn and get it right.... but from your description of your wifes behaviour I feel she doesn't know what SHE wants. So therefore you can't get it right.
It either sounds like she is unhappy, depressed or angry, but I don't think you are directly responsible for her feelings and she's taking it out on you.
Not sure how you can resolve it but maybe this is just a bad wave you have to ride out... best of luck

All this talk of the doctor, and you attending appointments with her - has she health issues?

The doctor's appointment situation is confusing. Could you explain this better? As for how she is feeling, it seems as though as expects you to be a mind reader, yet when you ask how she's feeling she throws a tantrum and won't engage with you. You can't win. How could anyone manage that?

*she expects

Didn’t you post something similar to this yesterday?

Was the doctor asking you if you had any questions, or were they asking your wife?

It would be quite unusual to invite the support person to ask questions when the perfectly competent patient was sitting right there. Was your wife annoyed that you answered a question directed at her?

You referred to your wife as "they", twice and the cadence of you post is slightly different to the usual. Have you considered that you may be on the spectrum?