DH told me I'm Hard and unempathetic

[user1494670108]

DH is having a particularly trying time at work at the minute and came home in a foul temper feeling sorry for himself last night. Unfortunately, I play a team sport on a Monday so didn't see him for long and left him to serve his and the kids tea (which was all made and ready). It's the only evening I'm out. When I got back we were watching TV with elder dc who commented on somebody on the tv saying that I wouldn't do that as I'm not an gushy, mollycoddling mother. He then says that I'm "hard" which he softened slightly to non-empathetic.
I'm really hurt, although I do recognise where he's coming from as he's a moaner and I'm a problem solver, for every moan i automatically try to suggest a solution which he's generally not interested in. Do I need to just let him moan? He feels trapped, hates going to work, its so unfair, cant wait to leave etc etc
For background, DC are now in their teens and I have been a SAHM since they were born which has enabled him to pursue a very financially and generally socially rewarding career which he mostly enjoys. I have considered going back to work but there is literally no reason whatsoever to financially and as far as I can work out all it would achieve is to make me more stressed and possibly him even less happy. Currently, he works and I do I everything else. He would not want to do any extra around the house if i was working which is why me being a SAHM works for us, housework was (and still can be) a major source of stress between us. He wants to live in a tidy house without having to do much towards it.

I'm quite hurt but also pissed off at the thought that he's heading for a stressed time again as he's so unpleasant to live with when he is and I cant seem to help him out of it. Maybe he's right as my feeling is of being pissed off rather than concern for him and what he's going through (the worst will be over in 2 weeks but the feeling of not wanting to be there will remain for longer, we've been through this before).

How should I respond? I take extra care of him when he's feeing like this, favourite dinners, house immaculate, kids sorted out so the house is calm etc so I can do stuff practically but I don't seem to be able to offer any emotional support of any benefit.

Tbf your description of yourself is that your don’t show empathy in emotional situations. It’s a common trait but yes it can result in conflict and misunderstanding. Probably something you should address as it will impact on other relationships and situations.

Sounds like there is also conflict in the home over housework and paid work. If you are well off there is an option to get a cleaner who can work to standard. That can free up time for you to generate an income.

Was your DC's comment critical, or understanding? It may be that you're not gushy and mollycoddling, but your DC recognise you love them and are there for them etc.

As for DH, it does sound as if there's some tension. Deep down, would you rather work? Have you only taken this SAHM route because "it works" i.e. it's the only way to run a household because DH won't do anything, but it doesn't necessarily work for you? That could make it harder to empathise with him.

My ex was a moaner and milked any illness or other issue for sympathy. Although I am empathetic and can be caring and supportive with the DC and with friends, ex's behaviour made me withdraw because I felt manipulated. Could that be going on too?

Maybe it's time to think about what you really want, long-term. Sorry that sounds like a life coach but you know what I mean :o

You can be a problem solver and show empathy, they're not mutually exclusive.

Sometimes people do need to be heard, or 'moan' as you put it.

Sounds like he has a point.

Frankly, he sounds awful...

House immaculate, brought up the kids who are now teenagers, cooking his "favourite dinners"....

And all he can do is moan about it??!

Not even happy for you have 1 night for yourself?

Who designated him as Prince of the World... (clue: he did).

As for you being non-empathic... People often project their own shortcommings to the outside world (you being the nearest).

As MN would say, he wouldn't get away with that kind of attitude at work.

Hope you get your ducks in a row before he runs off with a "younger model".

Do I need to just let him moan?

Yes, There are times when you need to do just that. It is hard and unemphatic not to. However, it was unkind to point this out.

Equally, this statement, For background, DC are now in their teens and I have been a SAHM since they were born which has enabled him to pursue a very financially and generally socially rewarding career which he mostly enjoys. could also be flipped on you and say that him working successfully has also enabled you to have enjoyed not having to work and spend lots of time with your children instead.
Family life works both ways.

for every moan i automatically try to suggest a solution

Gosh you're describing REALLY low emotional competence on your part. I mean... favourite dinners etc are nice, but it sucks to have a partner who won't let you have a bad day without trying to talk you out of it. It's very dismissive and disheartening when your loved one refuses to let you talk about your feelings.

Why create work for yourself in that you try to solve his moods / bad days? Just let him have them. It's so much easier for you and for him.

"You look sad, how are you feeling today"
"I feel shit, job is terrible, so stressed"
"Oh no, that's shit. Go and put your feet up and let's chat about it." (let him talk for 5 mins without interrupting him)
"I'm so sorry to hear that."
Hug, sympathetic look, hand on shoulder, etc., and then be on your way.

10 min tops and he gets to feel heard and not like you want him to shut the fuck up and stop moaning.

If you really can't bear to listen to him, maybe just let him tell you about how he's feeling while you do something else. Ignore him, but pretend you're listening. Not ideal but better than what you are doing.

Working life can be hugely draining and upsetting, and we are social animals who get great relief from feeling heard and understood. It costs you nothing to listen to him for 5 mins a day, surely? Or should he just be funding your lifestyle and keeping his happy face plastered on 24/7?

Tbh, i understand completely where you're coming from. My exH was a moaner, and i am a problem-solver, because when i was growing up, my parents had no time at all for "moaning Minnies"... so we solved our own problems and didnt moan.

But... i learned to rein it in a bit. I work in a job where not every problem can be solved, and sometimes people just want to talk things out. And, i've had to learn to let them.

Let him talk. Ask him how he feels about the problem. Just keep quiet and let him rant... it isnt easy because it goes against all instincts! It does pay off long term, though.

Thanks all, I do and have let him moan but it doesn't come easy. We've been here before, we'll come through it and I'll work on my empathy and sympathy your comments have been interesting. (& thankfully mixed!)