When is the right time?

[pippapants]

Hello,

I'm not sure where to post this, but here it goes.

I want to have a baby. I've wanted to have a baby for a long time now. My partner and I have been together for 2 years. We've talked about getting married, having babies, how we'd raise them, all the details.

We live together, and have a pretty solid relationship. He works full time. And here's the troublesome part; I'm a student.
Deciding to go back to university at the grand old age of 29 (I'm now 31 and studying for a masters degree) has been fantastic, but he wants to wait to have children until I have a job and we're more financially stable. Realistically, this is at least another 3 years away, if not more.

What do I do? I don't want to wait until I'm almost 35 to start trying (I have very irregular cycles and I've been tracking my ovulation with no good signs of anything actually happening).

Everyone says "there's never a right time" and "you'll work around it", but he seems to think one day we'll just wake up, the stars will align and it'll be time... 

Get your degree at least. What's it in? Once that's ticked off, you will be in a better position. But take it from me...it's HARD to get a job when you've been a SAHM and I know because I'm that woman.

Also...don't have a baby if you're not married. Do you own or rent?

Honestly, I think you would be mad to have one before you finish your masters and find employment.

Finishing your masters and the potentially being out of the work place for a whole will not help you when you return to work.

Also I would not be a sahm if I wasnt married.

Also you would get MAT payz perhaps enhanced if you actually get a job first. And have a job to return to.

If I were you it would be masters, get married sometime soon, then TTC once I have a job and been there long enough to qualify for and mat related benefits the company offer.

Yeah there's no right time emotionally.

Financially there definitely is and you need to have some proper stability.
It's also not fair to expect him to support you and a baby while you continue to study if he's not happy to do so.

You've only been together 2 years. You still have lots of time at 31.

You really need to be a bit sensible here.

Why is your post MA job three years away? If you’re already studying for your Masters? I’ve not known them take longer than a year or two.

You would be throwing away a lot of hard work to get pregnant before you’ve had chance to finish your MA and then put it to use and start your career. I’m with your OH.

Either way you need both partners to be ‘yes!’ re TTC to TTC so unless he changes his mind this is where you’re at.

Sensible things to do are finish your degree, get a job, get married and wait until you qualify for maternity leave.

Babies aren't toys. They are actually people who need a decent home, enough to eat and clothes to wear and these things aren't cheap. They also need two parents who really want them and are ready. He's telling you he isn't ready. By all means discuss with him the reality of biology for women but this is about what is best for the baby, not all your wants. Maybe he isn't the one and this isn't the right time.

Babies aren't toys. They are actually people who need a decent home, enough to eat and clothes to wear and these things aren't cheap. They also need two parents who really want them and are ready. He's telling you he isn't ready. By all means discuss with him the reality of biology for women but this is about what is best for the baby, not all your wants. Maybe he isn't the one and this isn't the right time.

This should be pinned at the top of the board tbh.

Thanks for all your replies.

My undergrad is in linguistics and my MA in teaching. It'd take approximately 2-3 years as the MA is 1 year, and after that I'd like to complete a PGCE and I'd have a year as a NQT, if I was lucky to find a job straight away.

I do understand that babies aren't toys, maybe it didn't come across well in the post. I was asking for advice though, and if I'm honest, I find it a bit insulting that a few of you have felt the need to remind me of that?

I'm also not entirely sure why marriage has to come before TTC. Yes, we've spoken about marriage, but it isn't the be-all and end-all, and it is 2019. Plenty of people have successful relationships parenting without being married at the time. Why is there a particular order to do things?

Sorry if this comes across as post aggressive, or even with a bit of attitude, I'm just surprised at some responses

I do understand that babies aren't toys, maybe it didn't come across well in the post. I was asking for advice though, and if I'm honest, I find it a bit insulting that a few of you have felt the need to remind me of that?

You might know that, but lots dont. Spend sometime reading posts here. If you will teaching primary you will come across lots of children whose parents didnt really think it through and don't act in the beat interest of their child.

What's going to happen with you career, when you have a baby?

You staying in full time work? Part time a sahp? If you arent married I would do anything other than full time, unless he also goes part time. If you are both iart rime have you worked our full time childcare costs?

Who house do you live in? His, yours, joint or shared?

You are right lots of people are happy not married and having kids. Unfortunately, if those relationships split up, the woman often gets screwed. Often they live in the man house (if you arent married it's not shared unless both your names are on it), so they find themselves homeless, having taken a hit to their career and behind where they would have been if they hasnt reduced their hours. And all they get to start again is child maintenance payment.

You can do alot of the other legal stuff. The main difference being if tour dp changes his will and cuts you out, you would have to start a lengthy legal case to get anything. Wives, where husband have tried changing their will find that far easier.

And no, I wouldnt have a baby with someone that woildnt marry me.

If children are going to affect your earning potential more than his, as it seems here, I would say marriage first also. If things go wrong you have more protection for your income. The broodiness is hard to quell, ( been there!) But financially and for your future it would be better to wait.

Oh and also loads of women have the baby with promise of 'we can get married after' and it never happens.

You could have a baby then do a pgce, I know plenty of people who have, you can get funded places now in some subjects. Childcare is expensive and support is means tested so if your partner earners over about £20k you won't get support as a student.

Your DP has a point with wanting to wait until you have finished studying. It's also sensible to wait until you are stable in a job. PP are suggesting you are married first to protect you and your rights not because people will see a child born out of wedlock and think it's a bad thing.

Have you started your MA already? If not, surely it just makes sense to do the PGCE if you want children ASAP?

Marriage protects you if you have children end of.

Not all babies are born ‘perfect’. Best laid plans and all that.

Pregnancy can also affect your health in an adverse way. This is why you need the financial protection marriage provides incase you couldn’t work as much after.

The reason we bang on about marriage is because a lot of women still take a hit to their career/earning prospects and become financially dependent on their partner when they have dc.

Which is fine while it works, but if the relationship fails, or the partner dies, they are completely up shit creek.

I would ditch the MA and go straight to the PGCE if I were you if you want to speed things up.

Doing a PGCE with a child is doable but much harder imo.

If you go straight to ttc before launching your career you risk never getting your career launched and obviously also this would have a big economic impact.

^ That seems sensible - you can go back and do the MA further down the road.

I think 2 years is too soon to make such a life changing decision. Get your degree first and good luck

Finishing a degree/training is basically a full time job. Could you afford childcare to do it? And is whatever you are doing now enough to qualify you for maternity pay of some sort?

I had my first (at 32) when I was mid way through a PhD (which took me 7 years as I was part time for a bit and took a bit over a year for maternity leave. I was also self employed so I qualified for maternity allowance, which was fine. And then with some family help, my dh and I could afford part time and then full time nursery (I was also working) for me to finish my degree.

Nursery is expensive. I would say I paid about £900 something a month for full time. Could you afford this or have some other alternative so you can go back and finish up?

I found that actually a postgraduate degree worked well with having a small child as I had a lot of flexibility and could work in evenings and weekends when I wanted to spend time with her during the week. But the childcare (and its associated costs) were absolutely essential. I couldn’t have balanced it all with her home with me.