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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Good life but not happy... is it me or us?

6 replies

Pepsioften100 · 23/09/2019 18:37

We’ve been together 8 years, married 2 years. Bought a house together, have nice cars, have pets. Both working, him earning much more than me. Joint accounts so despite big pay difference both have same amount of individual money each month and then shared current and savings accounts. Saving well each month for future.
He’s great- very doting and supportive, all the family love him etc. Honestly other than the usual few things people do that piss you off hes great. Always told how lucky I am to have found him and how much he loves me.

Doing better than I could’ve imagined for our age etc. Know people look and think we have a super life. Both wanting to have children, know he’d be a super dad too.

But every time I get a minute to stop and think I just don’t feel it. Never said it out loud but last few months just feel like I want out. Think about living alone, just with my pets. Intimately not much going on- kiss goodbye/goodnight, I just don’t want to do anything more, we do 1-2 a month but never initiated by me or particularly wanted.

Feel like a truly horrible person, don’t understand how I feel this way, I should be happy, there is nothing wrong with my life. I know it’s not fair on him either long term, was just hoping it was a passing phase and I’d realise how lucky I am and be happy about it.

Life on my own I would be poorer, living in a much smaller place probably renting as earnings not great, on my own- nothing I’ve ever aspired to do but here I am googling smaller houses/flats to rent for example.

Fully expecting to be severely bashed on here but so many good people with actual shit going on in life. But I can’t tell anyone in real life that I’m feeling like this.
It’s just me having some kind of issue in my head right?! ☹️

OP posts:
Tilltheendoftheline · 23/09/2019 18:41

You dont love him.

That's what it seems to be to me.

I mean there could be depression or something like that going on. But it sounds like you just dont love him

I can only suggest trying counselling so you can at least end it knowing you tried.

Either way sort it out before you have kids. Having a child magnifies your relationship. If its already not great, it will be awful and it's not fair to bring a child into that knowing you dont want to be together.

Did you feel like you wanted to get married, or did you just because that's what you do when you have been together a while?

Hopoindown31 · 23/09/2019 18:44

He sounds like a great guy so don't keep leading him on. It will be hard but he will find someone who feels properly for him in time. He is probably miserable about the lack of sex anyway.

Freewanderer · 23/09/2019 18:53

I know how you feel. I wasn’t married to my ex, but there was always a question in my head as to whether I loved him enough. He was exactly as you describe - kind, caring, intelligent, financially very well off etc. He loved me etc etc. BUT, I couldn’t ignore the doubts in the end and left. I’ve now been with my partner for nearly 10 years, married for 4. Not one day goes by where I question whether he’s the right one for me, and I know that sounds a bit smug! But the thing is, I don’t question it all now so leaving my ex was the best thing I could have done for me, but also for him.
Xx

Secondsight · 26/09/2019 13:58

It's either you have doubts or the slim Possibility that you are frightened to commit. If you think you'd be happier away from him then that's the answer.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/09/2019 14:06

But every time I get a minute to stop and think I just don’t feel it
You don't love him.
There is nothing wrong with that at all.
You can't make yourself love him.

You've now probably reached the 'ick factor' stage and there is no coming back from that.
Feel like a truly horrible person
You would only be horrible if you didn't end this.
It's not fair on him. Let him get over you and move on with someone who does love him.
That's just not you. Doesn't make any of it wrong. Just end it. It's time!

Bluffingwithmymuffin · 26/09/2019 14:12

I went through similar with my DH a few years ago. I realised that it was because I had given up my own ambitions to support his (without being asked to), and didn't know what I wanted anymore. I also needed my own space.

I got a new prestigious job, a few promotions and am now earning more than him. We are still happily together, and have a baby.

Before making any rash decisions, think about what you really want and how you can make that happen - he might even be supportive. Good luck!

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