Father hitting daughter, now taking me to court....

[Shadow12]

This is quite a long one, and I feel I may need to add a warning for those sensitive to topic of abuse to not read this post. I would be grateful for any advice, thanks.

A few weeks ago, my 5 year daughter raised a concern with me whilst at home, she said “daddy hits me really hard, mummy. I’m scared of daddy, you need to hide me when he comes and pretend that I am not here, ok?”
I was immediately concerned by this as her father verbally, financially and emotionally abused me all throughout our relationship. I contacted the social services in my area that same day, who told me to safeguard my child if I was concerned and also triggered a programme at school by their safeguarding team, it came back ‘NFA’.

Until... my daughter was participating in ‘circle time’ which is done on a weekly basis in her classroom. This involves speaking about what makes you happy and what makes you sad with the fellow pupils, the teacher and the TA.
My daughter said: “being at mummy’s house makes me happy, and it makes me really sad when daddy hits me.” She was flagged again by safeguarding. The school called a meeting between myself, the two safeguarding team ladies and my ex partner.

He was defensive to say the least, and didn’t really say a lot in regards to why my daughter was saying these things to me, or in school in front of her class. He also accused me of assaulting him the day I left him, which I certainly did not do.
(He actually came home absolutely bladdered, at 7.00am (which was done routinely, whilst I was home with both our children), and when I went out for a cigarette, he locked me out wearing only a vest and my pants in December. I had to call the police to regain access to the house).

Anyway, also NFA by social services due to no physical evidence, just the word of my daughter.

I offered to resume contact as before on a trial basis, to see how my daughter was following her contact and when I had a date I would inform all parties that needed to be informed that this is the case. He has said until I call maintenance, he will not be having the girls overnight and I need to do this first. I do not need to inform maintenance, until he has agreed to have the girls again. I have checked this with CMS.

He has also said he has contacted mediation “to protect himself and the girls from this ever happening again and taking the appropriate legal action through the courts”. I have already tried mediation with this man 4 years ago, and it failed. He brought a notepad with him literally with pages filled of digs towards me both personally and as a parent. I don’t know if I can take that again. I was distressed about it for weeks following, and decided enough was enough and refused to go any more.

I feel as though I have taken all the steps that I can, but he is not agreeing to have the girls overnight until I have done this, that and the other.

I feel as though everything is still a battle, and wondering where this will all end. I do not want a court battle, and don’t feel it’s needed. I don’t understand why he is like this.

Am I right in saying that he isn't actually bothered about contact resuming?

If so I would be absolutely jubilant and no way would I be offering to resume myself!

Sorry if I misunderstood but Isn't it better that he doesn't have the girls overnight? Fewer hours with Dad surely means less likely to anger him?

You can't make him have the girls overnight if he doesn't want that. Personally I'd not do anything until he requested overnights. The hoop jumping like mediation and contacting CMS sounds like he's enjoying dressing you out rather than him trying to sort things out.

Why do you want him to have the girls overnight? Keep them away from him.

What does your dd want? What would be in her best interests bearing in mind that you can't make your ex change his behaviour or go to anger management or a parenting class?

but he is not agreeing to have the girls overnight

Given that he’s hitting your daughter, a tiny little girl, surely surely this is a good thing?????

Do you actually want him to have contact?

Your daughter is telling you and everyone else that her dad hurts her. Why on earth do you want to resume contact. You say girls. Do you have another daughter and if so what does she say about her dad?

As I have no proof, besides my daughters word, social services have recommended contact should resume.
I have also sought legal advice and they have said the same. It’s difficult as with no proof, I would be seen by the courts that I am withholding the contact and in the wrong. The courts will not take just the word of a child.
I’m just trying to do everything by the book.
Absolutely YES, I would love to have her with me all of the time instead of going to this man, but in the eyes of the law I’ve been told that this wouldn’t win in court.

I have two daughters, only one daughter has said these things. My youngest has not said anything besides “I like my daddy”.

Send him a letter recorded delivery which explains what he needs to do if he wants contact and the concerns you have regarding your daughter's allegations. If he doesn't do what is needed then you can't be held responsible for withholding contact.

I had less evidence than you because my youngest was too young to verbalise it. And I was advised to stop contact entirely.

It's been the best thing for all if us, not being in contact with the abusive prick.

Please, please don't push for contact for your kids, the man is abusive and your kid is actively saying she's scared and doesn't live visiting him.

I don't even know what to ask him for, as myself and my partner are in such shock about it. Did it happen? Didn't it happen?

My daughter keeps changing her mind about whether or not she wants to go. Two days ago she was stating she was scared of him, but today, she misses daddy and wants to go to see him. We are both absolutely lost!
We took action, but everything has come back as no further action.
I even reported to the police, who said someone from MASH would visit... they never came and called NFA.

@AllModra how did you do this please? I've been fobbed off left right and centre.
I believe my daughter, but the professionals don't seem to believe it did, or think it was "chastising".

Hello, sorry, only just seen my email.

I just stopped. I said I'd been advised not to continue contact. It took him so long to do anything about it that in the meantime I'd moved house.

To be honest, if he had half a brain he could have found us easily. I'm aware he has since taken up something which holds all of his interest and requires all his time, so he can't have been that serious about wanting a small child in his life anyway. He always was rather vocal about kids getting in the way of his life (despite already having a kid with someone else)

I had started paying a nominal amount for a solicitor at that point, just to help me with formulating the odd letter when required.

Speaking from experience, please don’t disbelieve your daughter on the basis that she misses her dad. Abused children often remain incredibly attached to their abusers. It’s incredibly confusing for them. Of course our daughter loves her Dad, but even if there was evidence he was assaulting her, she’d still miss him, want to see him, worry about him. Many abused children sometimes convince themselves they must have deserved it, because they were naughty, rude or annoying and they then feel compelled to try harder.
Very few abused children grow up thinking my dad was an arse. They grow up feeling responsible even if they know what the parent did was wrong.
I agree that you shouldn’t push contact. Your husband is responsible for his contact with your daughters.
If he’s not asking for certain contact then don’t give it. He can’t take you to court and accuse you of stopping contact if he hasn’t asked for it. Work with the school where you can. They will have eyes on your daughter. Personally, I would believe her. If this is happening and you ignore it, your daughter will hold this against you in time.
My bf dad stroked and kissed my legs whilst I was wearing a nightie. I was 12. I told my mother and she ignored it and still sent me on holiday with my friends family to Spain. It was awful. I later as an adult found out he’d been abusing my bf, his daughter. I despise my mother for many reasons but that is top of the list. My friend could have been saved.

She told you and school he hits her. Ss aren't protecting her and you are chasing him to resume maintenance? In your situation I'd be doing everything possible to keep her away from him.

Ozzie thank you for sharing, I think this is what the OP needs to hear. Please believe her and do all you can to keep her away from him.

Do not encourage maintenance, let him do all the running, make notes, hopefully he will go away.
Don't let him scare you with court proceedings, he will not do it because he knows he will loose.
These are typical men scare tactics, trying to bully you into submissin.
Believe your daughter. She is too young to make a decision and children who are hit can still love the parent that did it and crave their attention and approval.
It's up to you to protect them by any means necessary.

@Ozziewozzie thank you. I think I needed to read your reply. Thank you so much for sharing that.
I already have him blocked on everything since all of this came to light. His mother is an ex social worker, so I feel like maybe she had some power of influence somewhere along the line for the social services to call no further action without even really investigating. School were more or less clearly on his side too in regards to resuming contact.
I will be ceasing all modes of contact with the lot of them and waiting for a hopefully none existent letter from his solicitor. And if I receive one, then I will seek advice from my family law solicitor.
Thank you guys. I don't know why he still has control over my my actions. He is manipulative and scares me into doing what he says.
For example last year. My car insurance ran out during his contact, I asked him to bring the girls home as I was close to have saved the annual premium but was a pay week away from paying it off in full. He told me he would not bring them home and would keep the girls unless I drove my car uninsured, paid for a taxi to his, and back. At least £80-£90 around this area, or borrowed my mums car (I would still be uninsured to drive another vehicle).
I ended up having to phone a friend who was at work and ask for them to take me. She left work straight away and came to me to pick them up. He's awful, and Ive struggled the last almost five years with his control. I'm hoping that this can finally be the end of this, and that I can protect my daughters from him.
Thank you again!

Sadly with these men, the focus is in controlling you and winning, far more than it is in actually considering what’s best for the child. Just remember, if your ex is implying your daughter lied twice, she will grow up and never forgive him for that.
Children don’t tend to make these up for fun or for no reason. Even when false allegations are made, it’s udually a child’s way of saying ‘i need help, something is really worrying me.
As soon as your daughter is able to write, I’d get her a diary. Even if she’s only 5 she can draw pictures to help with words. Get one with a little key and tell her to hide it in her room and it’s previous, just for her secrets etc and to write at bedtime about her day. Encourage her to write or draw one good thing too each day, not just worries. Keep reminding her each day.
If ever you’re worried, you’ll find her key, and you can check. If she needs to get something out, chances are she’ll share it with her princess diary as she’ll feel safe and not unbelieved. If anymore stuff comes up, I’d show it to ss and the school.
Tell her to keep it at your house, as ‘she wouldn’t want anyone to read it’
It’s a great thing for kids to grow up doing. As my daughter grew older, I would always reassure her that I would never ever read her diary, unless I had a big concern for her well being.
One day, I had a big concern and do I looked. She at 13 was being groomed by a peodophile. He was a teacher in another school and had told her he was 16. She found out when he Skyped her and she saw his bday balloons with his age on. She told him he will go to jail but he kept pestering her. It was all documented in her diary, a whole 6 months of it. Police were really grateful for her diary.
Good luck