Can this friendship survive?

[JimSlim]

I went through a very traumatic second trimester miscarriage a couple of month ago, and the way a friend acted in the aftermath has really upset me. I don't know if I'm being over sensitive or if I'm justified in feeling so angry at her?

The day after the miscarriage she sent a very supportive text about how she's there for me, etc, but then I didn't hear from her for an entire month. This whole month she was constantly on social media posting things like "Off work so enjoying lots of me time this week", "Kids are at their dads so time to catch up with my amazing friends", plus lots of photos of her on days and nights out with various friends (she is a social media over-sharer, whereas I'm more of a lurker.). Not once did she think to visit me, or even just send me a text to see how I was doing.

I finally heard from her, when she texted me 'Hi love, kids are back at school next week so I'll be back in my routine if you want to meet up? xx'. This text made me feel so so angry. Like, I'm not a good enough friend for her to see when she had her month of fun, but she's happy to see me now that she has a few hours to kill during the day. I didn't reply and she texted again a couple of weeks later, but I was a bit short with her when I replied.

I'm not sure if she's noticed I've been off with her, or is even aware that she acted in a hurtful way, but my opinion of her is really affected. Can a friendship ever recover from this? I hate confrontation and it almost seems pointless to bring it up now anyway.

Why didn't you reach out to her? If u needed her support, why didn't u ask for it?

OP, so very sorry for your loss. That is such a traumatic and upsetting experience for anyone. Such a sad and shocking time.

Please do not waste a moment of time or energy on this person.

Clearly she is not a friend. At all.

Focus on getting kindness and support from those who are there for you.

She's an acquaintance and treat her as such.

I hope you get all the support you deserve and need.💐

I don’t know, it’s just hard when you’re in such a dark miserable place (it was my third mc in a year) and you don’t want to feel like a drain on other people, but you desperately want them to reach out to you. It’s hard to explain. My head was all over the place (and still is!)

I think you are feeling sensitive. She was probably busy with the children over the summer. Then she wanted to go out and have fun when she had free time. How long were her DC with their dad? It would have been nice for her to touch base but she probably had it all lined up before your bad news. Perhaps she thought you wanted to keep yourself to yourself.

The holidays are hectic. You have the DC under your feet. When mine went to ex's in theory I had loads of free time but you end up catching up on housework and fitting in everything you haven't been able to do because you've been had them around 24/7.

I’m sorry for your losses, unfortunately sad times are when we find out who is really there for us. People often don’t know how to behave or what to say, sometimes complete strangers an be kinder than friends, I guess they’re less invested.

Take care of yourself

I lost a friendship this way.

She'd been ever so kind to me when I'd suffered an awful trauma (sexual assault - my head was pretty fucked up after that).

When she had her miscarriage, I literally didn't know what to say. I had no kids of my own (so had no idea how to relate) and was still suffering in my own dark place to really be able to appreciate how she was feeling.

When it happened, I sent a message to her DH saying how sorry I was and that I hoped she was ok. I thought she'd want space or that she might not want people to know. That's what I would have wanted - I'd have wanted to hibernate for a bit with no visitors or comments.

But I guess she didn't want that. She never sent me a message asking why I didn't see her. So over a few months resentment grew within her and she started posting all these passive aggressive statuses.

I was genuinely sorry I didn't do what she wanted to me do. I had no idea how to react or support, given I was barely managing to function myself. I now know how to react in that situation but the damage done was irreparable and we never really saw each other again.

If I could back and do it differently I would. I would send her messages every few days to see if she was ok. I'd pop round for a cuppa if she wanted. I'd invite her over mine.

But I just didn't know that at the time.

Tell her
Tell your friend
Don't let resentment grow.

I wouldn't fall out with her over it. She messaged to say she was there (if you needed her) and probably assumed you would get in touch with her if you wanted to talk/meet.

It's hard to know what to do in these situations. I personally would reach out and say I'm here if you need me type thing then let the other person come to me if they want to.

What she is doing in her life is neither here nor there, she acknowledged your loss so that makes her a friend.

Sorry for your loss. Don't lose a friend. When you meet up with her let her know that you rarely ask for help and support and prefer it offered and she can make a mental note