How To Cope With Mentally Ill Partner

[Hellsbells21]

Hello everyone, I hope you don't mind me picking your lovely brains, but I'm at my wits end and I'm not sure how to cope.

My partner has been deeply depressed for years now. But just recently he decided to come off his medication in one foul swoop. No tapering. Just cold turkey. And he is now in terrible withdrawal.

He point blank refuses to discuss this with his doctor, or any other professionals, has expressly forbidden me from telling his family and is becoming more agitated with fluoxetine withdrawal by the day.

Initially he was simply sadder, then angry and raging, and now distinctly physically agitated, scratching his scalp, pains in joints, tinnitus, total anhedonia, utter silence unless he is being paranoid and insisting I am trying to control him, and doing odd things like standing still in the pouring rain in the garden and eating his meals standing up.

I have made it clear that I love him and want to help him but he says he does not want my help, or anyone elses and wants everyone to leave him alone: that he will get through this with vitamins and three hour walks,

He is kind to my children and is just about managing work, but his anger is directed wholly at me, for "analysing" him, when in truth I am terrified. Not physically but verbally: he is vitriolic and swinging between that and hugging me and saying sorry. Then saying just get rid of me, I'm not worth it...

Is this a breakdown? Is it the withdrawal?

If it was your partner what would you do? Friends and family are saying send him to his mums so she can carry the burden for a while, but that doesn't seem appropriate to me?

I can't stop crying which only serves to irritate him even more.

Along with being depressed and distressed, your husband is also being controlling.

Do you mean he doesn't want you telling his family he has come off his meds or do you mean he doesn't want you telling them that he is depressed, that they don't even know THAT? Either way, that is a totally unfair request because he is clearly very troubled and that is having an impact on you and the children. Even if he doesn't want support for himself, you and your kids need it. This is what stood out for me: him wanting you to keep quiet about it. Please don't do that.

If he has been on medication then he has had contact with a GP about depression. Please contact the GP asap and tell them everything you have said here, esp about the sudden decision to give up meds and the behaviour ensuing from that. the paranoia, etc. They can't share confidential info with you obvs but they might have some advice.

The paranoia sounds frightening. Any sign of that escalating into aggression (towards you or the children or both): contact the police. Yes, your husband is depressed, yes he is withdrawing. . . but that doesn't mean carte blanche to be intimidating. Alternatively, take him to A and E and be explicit there to the staff about the depression and the sudden withdrawal.

I agree with Norfolk that you need to contact some services. His GP might be able to arrange for someone will come out to the house to assess him. If he gets any worse, call 999 and they will come out to take him to A&E or provide other help.

There are groups for carers for people with mental health problems, you might find it helpful to go along to one of those once the time is right, so you have people in a similar situation to chat to.

It must be very frightening and upsetting. Hugs and look after yourself, try and find ways to relax a little etc xxxxx

Help and support for you AND your partner and an end to the secrecy are the safest way forward. And the only way to get through this with your own life intact. Truly.

When my DP reacted badly to and then tapered off his meds I agreed to keep his declining mental health private. The result was, to put it mildly, a nightmare. I became his emotional punch bag and our lives shrank to a claustrophobic extent.

He took advantage of my promise not to tell anyone by telling his own tall tales to every single person he encountered as some kind of defence against being 'outed' in the future and when I finally begged his parents to intervene they refused to believe he was ill.

It could be withdrawal that you are seeing, or psychosis or one of a myriad of things. You cannot and should not have to be the one to determine what. You need to see and speak candidly to your doctor, to get advice and practical help.

My DP is doing better now but we still have a crisis team in place. Now if he threatens to hurt himself I tell him I will take the threat seriously and I call his team and, if necessary, the police. I have zero tolerance for verbal abuse and insist he leaves when he starts.

I spent far too long shushing his outbursts and feeling ashamed if anyone heard them so he got away with murder. When I moved into our new home I calmly told the neighbours my partner was dealing with some mental health issues and explained they may very occasionally hear him acting out but that he would leave the property soon after.

As soon as I was able to be open and honest about what was happening behind closed doors a lot of the horrible tension I had been feeling left me. I was very direct with young DD about what was happening and that the best way to help daddy was sometimes to have him leave until he was feeling better.

I am sorry you are going through this and commend you for being strong. But you need to use that strength to look after yourself too. Do send him to his family if that is an option. Be clear with them about why. Use the magical Mumsnet grey rock technique on your partner when he opposes or attacks you.

Your children are being affected by this situation no matter how kind he is to them because he is not being kind to you and they will feel that even if they do not directly hear it. My DD lived through a roller coaster 8 years and I attribute her positivity today to the fact that she never had to keep DP's secret. Her school are in the loop and if his mood takes a downturn I tell them and some trusted friends so she has people to turn to wherever she is.

Whatever happens from here please do be kind to yourself. Good luck to you.

I agree with the above... but can really empathise with you, as living with a partner who believes he needs to go cold turkey ( a symptom of the original disease IME) it's really tough

Please act on CoffeeandEnnui's sound advice.

Are your dc his too? Regardless, it's not going to be any good for them to see their dm continually crying her eyes out and, even if you have protected them from witnessing his behaviour, they'll know something untoward is going on.

Will his mother have him to stay? If so, send him to her and reassess the situation in two weeks' time when the fluoextine will have left his body and he should be over the effects of sudden withdrawal.

Currently he is doing as he likes and you are all left walking on egg shells with the after effects. DH has had serious MH issues and we all danced around this until I had a horribly traumatic birth and DD nearly died. I just couldn't do it anymore. I confronted his selfishness, his entitlement, all the weird rules he had laid down for our family. Your partner sounds acutely unwell and in need of medical assessment so do not keep this secret. If/when he is stable again then consider your own boundaries. Dh knows he must comply with medication and therapy or he is out the door.

Not got any advice for the overall situation, but wanted to let you know things like standing up to eat and standing in the rain might make complete sense during drug withdrawal. He may be too achey or restless to sit down so standing gives temporary relief from that due to the exertion on his legs. And sometimes an extra sensation on your skin like standing in cold rain can both help with the ants under his skin feeling/restlessness/aching for a moment plus cool him down if his temperature regulation is all over the place. Just thought I’d let you know as if you’ve not been through withdrawal you might interpret odd behaviours such as those as signs of some kind of psychosis (not saying he isn’t experiencing psychosis just that those behaviours could have a rational reason).

I would respect his wishes and leave him alone.

You are allowed to tell whoever you like
So please tell.
If he stays with you during this then you need support for you
It s not his call. He cannot dictate who you speak to because it is impacting you.

So tell your gp what is going on
Tell your family
Ask their support
Arrange to go away with dc and leave him to it
Inform his gp what is going on (they will take the info in confidence)
As above I bought into secrecy lie and it didn't end well.

Definitely tell the GP - please don't think you can 'hang on' for 2 weeks, because my experience of fluoxetine withdrawal is that the symptoms continue for WAAAAAY longer than 2 weeks, and continue for longer the older the person is.

Personally I would leave him and take the children. At the moment, he is taking decisions and you are suffering the consequences at least as much as he is - that dynamic needs to change.

He'd also have to show a sincere and ongoing change before I would get involved with him again. If you are going to help him get through things with his mental health, then that means you are a team, and you get an opinion and a say in things, even if he ultimately decides differently.

If he wants to be the master of his own ship, then he can't expect you to willingly sail into a tsunami with him (taking your children with you) just because he's decided he wants to do that.

Are they his children too?
You say "my children"
If they have no relation to him pick them up and leave
If they are his children pick them up and leave why should they witness this? When he refuses to engage

When he refuses to engage with medical professionals

This sounds bad. As long as he won't accept help he will get worse and it won't improve (a close family member has been through the same with her husband). He left and it was definitely for the best as it was making her so miserable and lonely.

Yes, this very much could be withdrawal, do you know what dose he was on? I had a horrific time withdrawing from another antidepressant and rage was one of the symptoms, along with the physical stuff. Cold turkey is never a good idea, and these effects can be long lasting.

If he is clear about not wanting help and still has mental capacity there is not much you can do, but you need to protect yourself.

I would look on Facebook for groups like 'Lets Talk Withdrawal' or fluoxetine specific groups.