Update for Team Teddy

[DearTeddyRobinson]

First off thank you to all the amazing, wise and kind Mumsnetters who took the time to answer my last post. You were my only support in a very dark time and a real lifeline.
I wanted to update as so many of you put real effort and though into your replies, and didn't judge my horrible behaviour.

Link to my previous thread: My crappy childhood has just exploded www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3656489-my-crappy-childhood-has-just-exploded

I have started seeing a therapist who specialises in childhood trauma and she is slowly helping me unpick things. I've been totally open with her and it's been very hard and emotional. I've also discussed my marriage which was in total crisis since our return from holidays.
Things with my husband went from bad to worse, and I started looking at some potential houses for me and the kids. However he has turned his behaviour round and we had a very honest conversation. He is sorry for being a shit husband and wants to work on our relationship as we are better together than apart. This sounds very glib and I'm not describing it very well but it was a very genuine conversation and I finally, belatedly feel that he's got my back. So that is a relief, I was really feeling very lonely.
I told one of my oldest friends the whole truth about the situation and she was amazing. Believed me and told me it wasn't my fault. It was so, so good to hear that.
Then! My parents sent me an email. Basically they are horrified at my dreadful behaviour, can not fathom where it came from as they have only ever been supportive of me, I'm in need of some serious help. I've damaged our whole family and while they still love me, it's 'very much conditional' (on what they didn't say).
This was about 10 days ago and I have not replied. I'm not sure if I will.
Anyway thank you all again, I'm so grateful to have had MN in my time of crisis XX

Congratulations Op. I read your last thread though didn’t reply. I thought you had some amazing advice to deal with it. And boy have you.

My dh is super supportive but it took many years for him to finally get ‘it’. I am glad the person who should be you biggest supporter is now trying.

As for your family don’t bother replying and enjoy the silence.

Good luck with counselling.

Thank you @Aussiebean

I'm pleased your DH seems to have realised he was being unreasonable. Is he now in agreement that your parents shouldn't have hurt your son, and that your reaction (whilst not optimal) was understandable given your childhood?

I am so pleased you sound in a much much better place.
The fact is that your dh will need to continue to understand and support you, for his part he needs to have your back 100% and more. He seems to understand that now.

As for your parents, that is what the delete button is there for. Press delete and forget about the email. It is not your problem anymore.

Make plans for Christmas now so you no longer have to worry about the dreaded time of the year when everyone seems to have happy family times except you (and for lots and lots of people!!)

Continue to protect yourself and your son op. I was posting throughout your last thread, and I think I may have named changed. It was good to see how far you have come. Keep going Team Teddy!

@LannieDuck , @Thegrasscouldbegreener thank you. Yes DH seems to have seen the light as it were. We are spending Christmas with lovely MIL, as DFIL sadly died earlier this year. We are our own little family unit and we will get stronger, for our kids and ourselves.

Eek so I'm assuming no one is reading at this stage but I replied to my parents email. I sort of feel weird and sort of like I've sent a bomb off to the other side of the planet.

What did you say to them?

What did you say? Glad your DH has manned up

I was going to ask how it felt to be free from them as they don’t sounds the most supportive of parents (appreciate the understatement!)... but just saw you replied, what did you say, have they responded?

Really hope you’re happy and on a path with your hubby to a stronger, happier marriage. I think you’ve been really brave and wish you all the very best xx

I'm still reading!

Oh wow thanks team . I will copy and paste the email and reply after the school run. I talked to my therapist about it quite a lot,, so I think I'm prepared for whatever response I get, if any.
I had hoped to feel free of them by going NC but the reality was that I kept going over and over all the shitty bits of my childhood and couldn't get past it. At least now I feel like it's out there. They have to, on some level, acknowledge their actions.

I followed your last thread. You sound like you are in a much better place now. The only way is up. I'm not sure you're going to receive the response you would like from your parents but I hope the email you sent has helped you put your past life/feelings/emotions in order. There is so much awesome advice from MNetters. I hope this and your family and your therapist get you to the place you need to be.

In this process you need to do what is best for your mental wellbeing.

If saying your piece gives you that then that’s fine.

My guess is that it will be all denial. But then you can take that and move on with it knowing you acted well.

@Aussiebean you are most probably right, they will deny, minimise, say I am lying, whatever. I am ok with that. I feel like by writing it down, I have on some level had my 'day in court' so to speak. They know the truth.

People like your parents Teddy never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. My guess is that your email will unleash a further torrent of hate because they will see what you have written, no matter how carefully worded, as an attack.

I would also look at fear, obligation and guilt because many adult children of such toxic parents are mired in this.

@AttilaTheMeerkat you are probably right. I definitely feel fear and guilt. In fact I've been feeling sick and anxious all day, and too afraid to check my emails. I was going to post the email here but I'm actually too afraid to read it. Gah.

I would not actually bother reading it personally because its probably hate filled. Its not going to be the apology you seek from them.

Have a read of the Out of the Fog website; this may well help you also.

Your parents aren't going to acknowledge their actions because they are unshakeable in their belief that they are right, just like they wouldn't ever be able to convince you that they've only ever been supportive of you. You have your truth and they have theirs.

I've had counselling over the last few years and my lightbulb moment came when it was explained to me that just because someone else states an opinion, it doesn't make it true and we don't need to convince anyone of the rights or wrongs of the situation, we can simply choose to respond accordingly without their permission. They might not like it but as long as you are true to yourself and your own conscience is satisfied with your actions then that is all that matters.

Can you get your dh or someone you trust to read it first. Then they can tell you if it’s worth you reading it or same old same old.

Then you can put it away if/when you are ready