DH and I have been married for 9 years. We have a very good relationship. We’d always hoped for three children - we don’t have much family alive / involved in our lives (his mum and a couple of sibling, and it’s only my sister who really makes an effort). We thought it would be a good idea to build a bigger family so our children have each other.
Due to endometriosis and adenomyosis and treatment for those things, we didn’t get to try for a baby until I was 33. We had twin boys who are now 3. It’s been a very tough road - early months spent in hospital, they are both autistic, one has other disabilities too. We are managing but it’s very hard.
I still wanted another baby so when my consultant suggested a hysterectomy I said I wasn’t ready. DH and I discussed it at length and he said he thought we shouldn’t. I acknowledged that I probably wanted another baby for the wrong reasons - I am grieving the experience I thought I would have with a baby / toddler. I see other toddlers with their parents and see how things are for them and I wish we had that experience. But I know there are no guarantees and it’s pretty likely we would have another autistic child.
I agreed, we shouldn’t have any more. I’ve been working on accepting this over the last six months or so.
DH has had a big change of heart and now thinks we should have another baby. He accepts the risk of having another autistic child and thinks we could cope better than we did this time since we know how to manage now.
I worry he thinks that another child would be able to look out for the twins in future if they’re NT, and that’s playing into his thinking - I know that he is terrified about what will happen to the boys when we are no longer around. I am too, but I know another child isn’t the answer to that. I do think an NT sibling would be very good for the boys in the longterm, but what if they’re also ND and possibly even more severe than the boys - that would take away time and energy they need.
I am also very worried about having twins again, as one set is hard enough.
The difficulty is that the desire to have another child is still there. And I worry we would regret it one day if we don’t try. I don’t think I’d regret having another disabled child, but of course it would be hard having three disabled children.
We would have to move house, which we planned to do in a few years anyway.
I am so conflicted on it all. I’m not ready to make any decisions so we are pinning it for a while.
How do you make the right decision? Is there a right decision? I am trying to really understand why I want another child rather than just accepting that I do.