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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I didn’t end it but feel guilty

14 replies

Bigboxlittlebox2018 · 23/09/2019 10:41

As title says I feel guilty . He says he is leaving me because of my attitude towards him,the nagging, undermining and criticising .for context, I am married to a workaholic who is essentially absent both physically and emotionally for years. He is a shouty and impatiens seargant major of a dad when he is present and essentially will sit on the couch and actually not speak to me or any of us when at home bar the bare minimum, always initiatedby me .
I feel awful. I wS always trying to get him to engage with me
And the kids, always at him to do stuff in the house. He did so very little Ashe was not there. When he was he was tired or cranky and I wanted to protect the children from that. I often walked on eggshells somas not to upset him but the final straw came in the summer when i was woth iur theee kids all day long and despite a child with sn and another with high anxiety, he would not take time off and come home early or help me . I always intervened when he was shouting at the kids and do not regret that though. I come from a generation of mothers who sat back and let the fathers shout and roar at their kids when they did not jump to the fathers commands . I hated the way he dealt with the kids it now I feeel so guilty like it’s my fault he has left us. Am I being rational or is this normal

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Bigboxlittlebox2018 · 23/09/2019 11:07

Anyone ? I’m having a really bad morning . Can’t understand myself thanks

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QuentinWinters · 23/09/2019 11:12

He sounds hard to live with. I think you will feel much better soon but at the moment you have been conditioned to work round him at all times and blame yourself for his moods and how to manage them. So of course you feel guilty but you really have no need to. Be kind to yourself.

QuentinWinters · 23/09/2019 11:14

He sounds abusive tbh
Read this
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Bigboxlittlebox2018 · 23/09/2019 11:38

Thanks for respnses. I will read that over the next few days. I never thought of him as abusive but yes a very beryls right day man that I always had to work around and try to gauge what mood he was in . He feels that I caused this and as I had suggested for some years that I couldn’t see a future as he didn’t engage with me, he said I wanted the separation. I feel like it really is my fault . I found him pushy sexually and really he was so demanding that I went off sex and just went through the motions. I feel awful for that too as I wasn’t really attracted to him for years because of that

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Bigboxlittlebox2018 · 23/09/2019 11:38

That should have said a
Very moody man !

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Bigboxlittlebox2018 · 23/09/2019 13:44

Has anyone else
Experienced this please or have any strategies to cope with these feelings . Thanks

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awesmum · 23/09/2019 13:51

It's very difficult to gauge from everything you've said. But it seems like you've been conditioned to take the blame for his bad behaviour, that you've spent so long walking on egg shells that you're not sure what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. If you've been in a vacuum of he's right and you're wrong it takes a very long time to remember your a capable and strong person.

Bigboxlittlebox2018 · 23/09/2019 13:59

Yes I guess I feel
Confused but I certainly feel like it’s my fault that he had left me . I feel terrible and am wondering if I did indeed drive him away

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QuentinWinters · 23/09/2019 14:48

No its not your fault he left you. That was his choice. Do you want him back or do you just feel like you should want him back?

Bigboxlittlebox2018 · 23/09/2019 15:02

I am sat here writing a journal about my honest feelings towards him and I feel so bad . I never really fancied him , he pestered me for sex so I turned right off him and started to find him sleazy . He never really made me laugh and I cringed a lot in public when he tried to be funny especially as he was so emotionally cold to me and the kids . I got irritated when he would look for praise after doing a simple job that I had waited for him to do for weeks eg fix a bulb, unblock a shower. He was so so quiet in company also that it got really uncomfortable. I never knew if he was going to make an effort to actually speak to people when
We were out . I resented that his hangovers would last for full days and thatvasva migraine sufferer he never went to a medic to try to sort it out, only to go to bed for full days to deal with it without drugs . He had absolutely nothing to say for himself . Only interested in working and refused to watch news or sort even though I love both . I really just appeased him didn’t I .,

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awesmum · 23/09/2019 15:22

It sounds like you did just appease him. I think you're feeling guilty because he's dumped it on you. From what your saying you shouldn't feel guilty at all. What you should be feeling is grateful and lucky. But with every relationship breakdown be it your decision or his there is always a grieving process. You're going through the guilt stage of it. It will pass.

IncrediblySadToo · 23/09/2019 15:30

His shortcomings (and there are many!!) are NOT your fault

I’m surprised he’s actually going to leave...but for god sake don’t stop him

You & the kids will be happier once he’s actually left and you can all enjoy yourselves without him bringing everyone down!

Myoldtable · 23/09/2019 15:42

After the initial shock of the break up your life is going to be a million times better. He has conditioned you over time & sapped all the life , energy & joy out of you. It’s onwards & upwards for you from now on. Get good legal advice for a fair financial settlement.

Bigboxlittlebox2018 · 23/09/2019 16:38

Logically all of that makes perfect sense thank you sincerely. I feel wretched today about it all and can only see my
Part in the breakdown of the marriage . He is absolute in his blame on me and I can’t gelp but wonder if I am indeed an awful person. I know it’s will pass but it’s hard to get out of that mindset thanks

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