Help for a friend with an ar$e of an h please!!

[essbee]

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Hope you're okay, survivour.xxx

Doing better thanks,and I'm looking for a part-time job.

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No not yet, everytime I try to, something else pops up. I'm letting things lay low for a while, just settling down now, SB, when your not busy we can meet-up for coffee, How about this Monday if your not busy?

Hi Survivour

I was in an abusive marriage for many years, both physically and mentally. I left my ex and took my 3 children with me, He stayed in our lovely 4 bed detached house and I had to move 3 times in a year, the last house we lived in was in a dreadful area, but now I'm back home thanks to the court and with a wonderful wonderful man.

The thing that made me leave was the thought that when my children are adults and in relationships, what sort of example will exh and I have set them as to how to behave. Would my son's grow up thinking that men do beat their wives, that mums and dads never have any nice physical contact - they never hug or kiss, that its ok to go for weeks ignoring your wife everytime she speaks. Was I showing my dd that if she is unfortunate enough to meet an emotional cripple as I did, you stay and put up with the bad treatment, you put up with the beatings cos thats what mums do?

My children now see me with someone who smiles at me, who makes me laugh and they see a couple who hug and kiss. This is what I want them to have and I want them to see that it is possible. But even if I hadn't met dp they would see a happy mum, it may have taken time for me to become happy, but it would have happened, they would have seen that if you are treated badly by a partner, you do not have to live with it.

Sb is a wonderful woman and has been through a lot, she will only tell you the truth and give you advice that will help, even if sometimes it's not what you want to hear!

Keep posting

Hugs xx

hi survivour. have to say i agree with lilibet. you and your kids deserve better than to spend your life living low. you deserve respect and happiness. hope that you hook up with essbee soon - if you can't get out to relate, is there any phone domestic violence helplines that you could speak to?

take care
x

Good luck Survivor.

Thanx for the support.

Hi Survivor,

You're not alone, although it can feel lonely and you may feel isolated, especially when he's around making threats.

I am reading a book by the women who founded Refuge, a charity for women experiencing horrific domestic violence. I am recognising my h's behaviour on every page! He doesn't batter me physically, but has been bossy, controlling and abusive since 1998, only I didn't realise at the beginning.

The main thing is that these men don't change - if they can do it and you don't leave, it will get worse, or continue, even with gaps of weeks or months in between. They think they can get away with it, that they are in the right, and usually it's you who are to blame. Of course you're not - the problem is him.

If you can get a copy of this book, it will comfort and shock you - the women in this book endured so much, but at least they left. The book is called 'Power and Control - why charming men can make dangerous lovers' by Sandra Horley. If you look her up on Google, you'll see she is an experienced counsellor who would probably be able to help you too.

I wish you all the luck and courage in the world.

Thank you loulou, I will get a copy.

sorry,= even Lulu.

have not posted for awhile but I think about you lots survivour.

take care

Survivor - nothing useful to add just thinking about you and hope you can get through this

Oh Survivour , I dint know thsi was how it was wiht you and dh. IM upset for you. Why do you feel you are at fault throug what you have been trhough bieng diabetic and since dd's birth??

You just need to buidl up yopur own self beliefe and strength. Ive met you , I know you have it. BUt his behaviour is way stepping over normal. Hes now invading your spirit as aperson and that is NOT on. Ive had all sorts of stuff with my dh and his negativity and critisicm of me over the years , but Im getting a lot stronger now and wont stand for it. BUT THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE , DO YOU WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE A PRISON EXISTENCE???????. I have to harsh because you should not be in this , and you know you are worth more than someone stayoing at home to watch your every move. I dont have advice on who to go to for help , Im hoping this thread will bring that to you in various forms. I just wnated to show that I read this and Im worried and thinking of you.