Insecurity about the way I look

[changeofname0987]

I've been seeing a lovely man for 2 years. We get on very well and he makes me feel wonderful. We're both divorced with similar aged kids (they haven't met each other) and while dating as single parents with busy lives is hard, we still have a really lovely thing going in a positive direction. He's definitely out of my league looks-wise but we've both made successes of our lives (albeit very different) and I've got lots going on personality-wise let's say which he likes and in my mind, is what makes up for it.

But I'm so insecure about the way I look. I've got a decent body, within my BMI (though I'd be happier to lose half a stone) but my face and neck look like they're melting now I've reached my 40s. My neck is fat and from some angles, my jawline is non-existent. I used to think I was pretty which is the clincher I think. I've got such a mean voice in my head narrating my day and whenever I look in a mirror, saying ultimately, I'm not pretty enough to be worthy of anything. It makes me so insecure about myself and how others feel about me. Had it all weekend and it's ruined it for me to be honest. This is only in my head as I would never dare suggest this to anyone else and positively encourage my DDs to value their characters and enjoy life.

I'm in my forties now and wish I could get over this. I just remember being fed on a diet of "your looks are your power" growing up.... not overly from my parents, just society. Though Page 3 was ubiquitous in my childhood and little me did have the thought it was something to aspire to...

How the hell do I change?

I don't know, OP, but I shall be following your thread.

I currently deal with it by being single. It was a conscious decision to remain single because I feel far stronger, more attractive and confident when I'm on my own.

Your dp obviously doesn't see it or care.

Most people's looks change a bit as they get older.

Looks aren't everything either - most people prefer someone they can get along well with, relax with, have fun with - who they attracted to to some extent, than someone who is more 'perfect' looking but whom they're not as compatible with.

Obviously there are people for whom looks are everything but they tend to be shallow bastards who aren't great partners.

Thanks for your posts. @HowDoIMoveOnFromThis

Ugh sorry deleted my post?! I definitely feel more vulnerable being in a relationship. And I know there's the old rhetoric that there's someone for everyone but I'd rather learn how to feel beautiful by myself, than have someone else to do it for me. We're the only ones who can make ourselves happy.

@GilbertMarkham you're exactly right and I can understand this but never truly live and breathe the concept. I don't know pracfically, what to do? Nice to hear it though

Hi OP: have a look at Marisa Peer in you tube, particularly about her #iamenough campaign. Start listing all your positive points instead of the ones you deem as negative. I am sure your partner doesn't think you are out of his league, perhaps he has some insecurities too (which we all have!!).

I have quite a strong roman nose, I used to be very very self conscious about it and wanted rhino plasty. It wasnt until my best friend said to me "I love your nose, it makes you you", that something clicked. I used to hate side profile pictures, now I dont really care. Actually now I have hit my 40s I can see it gives me a good bone structure and I have grown into my nose more :)

And Brene Brown, she makes a lot of sense too.

I've recently started dating again after leaving a ltr. I have several DC and my body shows the passage of time as well as pregnancy. I'm 38.

But the men I've dated have their own insecurities and if I'm attracted to him, I'm attracted to the whole person, not one aspect. So-called imperfections are utterly meaningless to me, when I'm with someone I like. And if I like someone who also likes me, they obviously feel the same.

But framing your self worth around what others think of you is building on quicksand. You need to love yourself, first and foremost. You are worth more than what you look like. Far, far more.

Is this insecurity partly because your current dp is a looker, then? Tbh I'm not sure if a tiny feeling of insecurity is always a bad thing in a relationship - it makes you work harder :D - so don't be doubly down on yourself by also feeling bad about feeling insecure!

I'm not really attractive, but more so by comparison than my balding, overweight bf. But I sometimes wonder what he sees in me, as he is clever, fun and just much cooler than I am.

You know, sometimes you just have to tell that voice in your head to STFU ... when you hear yourself thinking those thoughts, give yourself a good speaking to and simply refuse to keep thinking that way. Find something else to think about. I know it sounds like a simplistic answer to "just stop doing it", but unless you are actually suffering from a mental health issue, ask yourself seriously: why have you just allowed yourself to wallow in self-pity all weekend?

Op you sound lovely and I'm sure your looks mirrors that, I think one of the hardest things to do in life is accepting yourself but keep trying.

I'm sure your partner has insecurities about himself that you would think are ridiculous and unbelievable and I'm sure he'd think the same if you told him about yours.

I read this book recently that is quite a good kick up the backside, if that happens to be what you need at the moment:
"The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life"
Not sure if I found it useful because of what it actually says, or because of what I read into it in the context of my life at the time :D but, as I remember, it helped push me more towards the idea that I do actually have some control over how I think.

Exactly the same here. Luckily for me DP is absolutely wonderful with me and just loves me to pieces. I tell him the stuff I say to myself day to day. I even wrote it all down the other day and burnt it as it was annoying me so much. As an example I wrote;

You’re fat
You’re greedy
You’re worthless
You’re old
You’re a piece of shit
You’re an ugly twat
You’re infertile
You’re a waste of space
You’re thick
Etc etc

He is so horrified at how I speak to myself internally as he doesn’t see any of that. He also has never said anything unkind to himself in his head, so it’s totally alien to him.

What he does though is gently build me up and never criticised me. It helps me hugely to see myself through his eyes and basically cut myself some slack.

I feel like you. My husband is beautiful and I have a face like melted candle wax lol.
Recently though he's losing his hair and its changed his look completely but he's just as gorgeous, his eyes, his jawbone.. Lovely.
When you like someone you see those things and still like them.
When I'm feeling particularly saggy or if I go out for the night I tie two little threads of hair up high on my head under my hair. It gives me a little face-lift, confidence and let's me wear clothes I want to wear rather than drab middle aged stuff.

Then I take my hair out and look dragged down again. He pays me more compliments when I look like crap.

We see what men don't. He's probably too busy looking at your juicy bum lol

Men like smiley smart funny women with confidence and a good appetite. Be kind to yourself x

So nice to hear of the lovely men and friends that some of you have in your lives

I'm just trying to think of any insecurities that my boyfriend has... he's maybe mentioned a couple of things but I haven't really acknowledged them. An interesting thought...

I can identify with a lot of your self-talk @sheshootssheimplores and it always upsets me to think that I wouldn't dare say any of that stuff to a single other person. Yet in my head it's constant...

I'll definitely look up Marisa Peer and Brene Brown's stuff on YouTube @pudding21 Thanks a lot.

@ravenmum why have I allowed myself to think this all weekend? That's just made me think that it's a well-worn mental exercise to distract me from bigger stuff I've got going on but I need to think on that one... woah... but you're right. Some mental tough love can work wonders sometimes.

Anyway, thanks lovely mumsnet once again and hope we all feel more positive soon

Please don't criticise yourself so much. You wouldn't speak to a friend (or even an enemy!) Like that, so why be so cruel to yourself? A tip my therapist gave me is to give your critical inside voice a name (mine is Frank) then every time it makes a cruel comment, say (inside your head, but clearly) "fuck off Frank". Be as vicious as you like with Frank, he's a cruel arsehole after all. Tell him he doesn't know anything, that you look great, that he is a twat. It sounds weird, but it really works to separate yourself from the negative thoughts.

I used to think I was hideously ugly, that my nose was huge, my face insipid, I was ashamed of the way I looked and avoided looking in mirrors or sitting in brightly lit areas, yet when I look back at pictures of myself I was beautiful. I could cry when I think about how unhappy and insecure I was, yet it was all completely inside my head.

Good luck!

He obviously likes the way you look and most men are not that observant so it is the overall package that counts. Plus unless he wants to go out with someone much younger most people look there age, and all that comes with it - they might be gorgeous but they still don't look 25 if they are 45 (despite what mumsnet would have you believe)

Remember its not what you are its what you think you are, if you think you are worth something so will everyone else.
Also the older you get the less important looks really are

More wise words; ah I love Mumsnet you're right @desperatesuk looks are less important the older you get. @pippidelena hope you know you're beautiful now. I will work on a name for this voice... Very good concept thanks for sharing.

I love the idea of "fuck off, Frank". The only thing that stalls me in that type of thing is the thought that "what if Frank was actually right?"

So my internal voice repeats the things my mum used to to say to me. They're her words. It's hard to reject them because they are real words that a real life person has actually thought and said about me. And, whilst it might not have been very kind of her to say them, they weren't actually untrue.

It's not even a question of whether Frank is right or wrong. It is a question of why on earth Frank is making those comments. Think of all the people you have known who are not the brightest sparks, or have a face like a horse, but who are nonetheless much-loved members of the community or your favourite aunty. What would you say to Frank if he brought up their intelligence or looks?

I think in that situation you have to hold on to two ideas and add them together:

1. that this was a full grown woman - RESPONSIBLE FOR HERSELF/HER ACTIONS talking to a child - NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HERSELF/HER ACTIONS.

and

2. that whatever one sees in others, is only a reflection of oneself. For example, if she worried about being fat/ugly then she would automatically seek this out in others and filter the world in this way, finding any evidence to back up her beliefs. To underline the point in a silly way, if she was obsessed with dangly banana earrings, she would've found a way to make these a feature of your life and point out any lack or excess of dangly banana earrings.

Essentially, she has given you her stuff to deal with rather than it being a straight reflection of you.

You might agree and already be working on this, but I guess it doesn't take away the fact that the voice is there and is a well worn groove. I wish I had a magic wand to take it away for you... A plain fact though is that you're as worthy, as present and as valid as anyone else. No more, no less.

Another one liking "fuck off frank".......

I'm working on recognising the mean voice as an internalized voice of a parent.

A parent who is fearful that her child will not be loved because the world is cruel and judgemental etc. and as a result is trying to limit the child and keep her away from the world.

So I try to be compassionate to that voice while also turning it away and contradicting it. Because that voice is part of me as well so I don't want to be mean to it. If that makes sense.

Fwiw (hear me out).

I am a pretty woman, feminine appearance, tall, slim/toned, leggy, I modeled in my youth etc. (again hear me out)

My dp is short for a man, close to underweight but has male pattern fat distribution so small belly, fat on his neck, etc., not muscular, weak jaw, hair went grey and thin young, etc. etc. He has health issues, tires easily. He has a physical deformity (outing to describe) that is visible when he is undressed, and it caused him great embarrassment in his youth.

He considers himself "outgunned" by me in terms of attractiveness.

And I am completely MAD about him physically. There is nothing in the world except my DC that I love as much as him physically, the touch, sight and scent of him are the cure to almost all my ills. His deformity is one of my favourite parts of his body - as weird as that sounds. Because it is him, part of him, the one I love so much.

You do not have to be perfect to be loveable. Not in any sense. I appreciate you have an entire society screaming the opposite of that to you, but it's the truth.

My DH is a decade younger than me. I've been told I look young for my age but still I worry we look silly together and I look much older than him.

I hate my teeth. I'd love them veneered. I also have a really high forehead that I don't like and try to disguise with a side fringe.

Photos from the side I really don't like. I've got a kinda ski jump nose.

I don't tell myself these things everyday. Mainly if I see a photo of me or I take one.