Domestic abuse situation - daughter

[Worriedm1]

Name changed for this one - I am a regular poster who has given advice many times previously on these boards, but am stuck with what to do in the situation I find myself in. Adult dd, 24, has recently moved into her own home with her boyfriend of 4 years (6 months ago). Her dB had lived with us for the year previously as they were saving for a deposit. She recently confided in me that she has started seeing a councillor as she has been having panic and anxiety attacks. Further digging and she added that her dB has been attacking her physically when drunk. He is a social drinker and goes out with his friends, or with her, once a week, and although normally a quiet unassuming person, when drunk he starts insulting her, she challenges him, and he then attacks her, pinning her down and actually bruising her. Afterwards he is apologetic and treats her like a princess, promising it won’t happen again. I have told her this is abuse and she needs to tell him to leave - the mortgage is in her name only as he comes from a dysfunctional family whereby he took out multiple loans to help his mum with an addiction she has. His credit score didn’t allow him to get a mortgage. She said she doesn’t want him to leave, as she wants them to work things out together, neither does she want us to tell him we know or involve ourselves with the situation. My DH of course wanted to go straight to the house and confront him, but she has begged him not to. It breaks my heart to see my once very strong independent dd reduced to a situation where she admits to being constantly sad and finds it increasingly difficult to go to work and have the focus and interest she once had. Also, how can my DH and I act normally around someone who we now know attacks our dd? We have never seen an aggressive side to him, always saw him treat our dd well, and have welcomed him into our family like a son, but now I can’t see how we can continue to do this - we haven’t seen him since she confided in us as he has been working when we have visited. I want to tell him to get out of her life, but she is adamant that’s not what she wants, but as parents, how can we allow her to stay in a situation where she is being attacked and her confidence and self esteem eroded?

Would she agree to seeking therapy? Someone not emotionally invested who can help her see she has to Ltb...
My dd left a bf 2 years ago and the truth came tumbling out about how awful he was to her. I feel for you op. The feeling of being useless to our dc...

I think all you can do is tell her you support her and the choices she makes, but if she needs you you will be there. Dont make her feel like she has to choose otherwise she may choose him and further isolate herself. The fact she has confided in you is brilliant. Get her a copy of Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that and try not to confront the bf. If you do he may take it out on her later for telling you. She has to decide herself when enough is enough. Try to encourage her to tell other people what is happening and seek counseling for herself.

Thank you for responding. She is seeing a councillor currently so hopefully she is receiving good advice. She hasn’t told me what they discuss in the sessions. The thing is she has been in previous relationships where if they have not treated her well (never been physically abused by them, just things like them not being committed to the relationship) she has walked away. I’ve never been worried about her handling herself, as she has always been a very strong, no nonsense kind of person. Holds down a very good job.

tatian that’s why I haven’t confronted him as I worry that if I did, he would pull her away from us and I feel I need to keep her close. The thing is, you wouldn’t find a more polite person than he comes across as - always appears genuine, gets on with everyone. I had concerns initially as his family are dysfunctional, and I though he might have issues, but obviously didn’t want to judge and he appeared to treat her well, so we had the opinion that if he treated her well, then everything was great.

Make time to talk to her. Tell her that you are glad he has said that he will never do it again, ask her if she's changing her behaviour at all ( walking on eggshells etc) to make that happen. Be glad if she isn't. Ask her to make a 'just in case' plan for various scenarios and say that you will be on the end of the phone day or night as part of it. Even if it's ' just' verbal or emotional pain that he's causing ( notice how I didn't use the word abuse about non physical because she might not be ready to hear that yet). Tell her about the hands to the throat thing... check he hasn't done this ever.

Be a safe space for her so that if ( sadly it's probably when) she needs it she can come.

It good that she can talk to you about it.
Don't confront him, or bad mouth him.
My dd was in a similar relationship,although there was drug use involved.
It really horrible seeing your child in this situation.

She said she doesn’t want to be alone, which I think is the reason she is not wanting to tell him to leave. We’ve told her she is always welcome to come back to us, or even if she feels afraid on nights he has gone out, she has a key to our home and can come and stay overnight. I don’t feel she should have to do that as it’s her home too (not voiced that to her though!). I’ve also told her to not confront him if he comes home drunk, but to retreat to the spare room and not engage with him, but again it feels like if she does that she is handing him control, so although I’m telling her to do that, inwardly I’m angry that she has to do this. The issue I had was that it just felt wrong for us to not say anything to him, as it feels we are standing back and allowing it to happen, but reading your replies it seems that’s the only alternative, as I don’t want to alienate her. It will be hard though to act naturally around him, and my DH is particularly adamant that he cannot do that.

55Worriedm1
I came home once and found dd's partner lying on my sofa. I went mental and flung him out.
Dd left with him, we didn't see her for weeks.

for you, OP. What a horrendous situation.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

Hi Worried. I was in a very similar position with my daughter until last year. She has young children so I tried very hard not to fall out with him as I didn't want him to isolate her anymore than he was doing and I also wanted to keep a close eye on her and my grandkids. It was bloody hard but the good news is she eventually left him and is now so much happier. Stay close, be supportive but don't alienate him because that in turn may alienate your daughter. Hopefully she will leave him and it will help enormously if she has you on side

Also, it sounds like her anxiety and panic would be a good thing to try and support her with - maybe focus on doing that?

A relaxation CD might be useful? Or a meditation/mindfulness app - try Headspace or Insight Timer. Ask if she's getting enough vitamins - especially B vits, vitamin D, iron (spatone is good), as all of these can contribute to anxiety if low. Exercise, daylight, etc are also really important and things that can be difficult to do if you're anxious - maybe you could offer to go with her to an exercise group, swimming, something? x

I lived through this for a few years with DD. The physical violence escalated and the abuser received a custodial sentence. I was greatly supported by my local women's aid who advised, no matter what my feelings, to never isolate DD further and to always tell her I was there when she needed me. I have never hit a human being in my life but honestly think that if I had had contact with the abuser I would have hurt him at that time. I'm afraid I couldn't have him anywhere near me during this time but would meet up with DD whenever she would agree ( usually when the bruises weren't as bad)
Despite the custodial sentence she still didn't finish the relationship, social services became involved and she still didn't finish , she just started to become more secretive. She eventually finished the relationship for good due to him cheating ( I actually thank God for this daily and it was the best thing the low life ever did)
I'm so glad I was supported to do the right thing by women's aid, maybe contact them

You cannot sort things out with a violent man.

Please let her know that this isn't happening because of the alcohol. He is a violent man and the alcohol just shows his true colours. Eventually, when he knows he has her trapped, he will start abusing her without being drunk.

I would bet that she hasn't told the counselor about this.

You sound like a fantastic mum. I wish I could talk to my mum and dad. They only know bits if they knew the true extent I'm not sure what my dad would do. I can't speak to them as it would worry them and they both suffer with stress and worry. My partner is the same he comes home when drunk and shouts, argues, accuses me of stuff in front of my child. I do the same now I go to my child's room and stay there and don't argue back. I've told him he does it again and we are over. There is alot more to my story but I just wanted to say you sound lovely. I also suffer with anxiety which I'm sure is mostly down to him. Just support her and be there. I'm hoping she gets the courage one day, I'd love to get the courage too. My mum knew I shouldn't move in together and I wish I'd listened xx

Brightfuture

It's horrible how many women are stuck in this hell. There is lots of support & advice out there, plenty on this board too if you need it. I'm sure your mum and dad would want to know if you're struggling and in need of help - I know I would. xxx

I just had this with my daughter. 19. Luckily she ended it after first sign of aggression. If I ever see him I'd kill him. You don't have to act naturally. Best thing is for him to know that you know. My ex would have died if I'd told my parents what was going on. He was close to them,. It's all smoke and mirrors. I'd let him know you are watching him.