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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He’s left me

13 replies

Gigi76 · 23/09/2019 02:45

My husband told me today he was leaving, he’s been seeing someone else. We’ve been married 17 years and have 2 kids. It totally came out of the blue. I don’t know what to do, I only work part time as I’ve looked after the kids all these years and have no money to back me up, he pays for nearly everything. My kids are devastated and I just feel numb, I’m laid here awake, can’t sleep, can’t cry, just don’t know what to do and where to go from here or where to even start. I’ve always been dependent on him and now I feel like a failure.

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 23/09/2019 02:50

First off-Do you have any family or friends you can call to come over and sit with you and your children? You are not a failure-your skunk of a ex is the one who is looking like a loser, not you. Can you access money from a back account? Can you call a lawyer in the morning? Good luck

Winterlife · 23/09/2019 03:05

I’m sorry OP.

The first thing to do is see a solicitor. You need to know your rights. You are probably entitled to some child benefits. Look into that.

Try to increase your hours at work, but speak to your solicitor about that.

You will survive this and years from now, you will look back in this and realize he did you a favour!

Good luck OP.

Original poster

Gigi76 · 23/09/2019 03:10

I'm not really close to my family, we do everything with his family. He said he will pay for us to stay in the house, but for how long? I'm worried sick how I'm going to support my kids both financially and mentally, my son has shut himself away and can't even look at me. I'm going to go to citizens advice tomorrow, is that the correct thing to do? I don't know

OP posts:

PeterthePainter · 23/09/2019 03:17

Forget the CAB, go and see a solicitor. If you know anyone in RL who's been through a divorce get a recommendation for a good one. You need legal advice ASAP.

Winterlife · 23/09/2019 03:20

I am a lawyer. One of my now retired colleagues, who practiced family law, always tried to get settlements for women early, when, in her words, “The bastard still feels guilty.” She was one of the best and most well respected lawyers in our city.

I can’t say things will work this way for you, but the earlier you can settle property and custody matters, the better.

springydaff · 23/09/2019 03:31

Well bully for him that he says he'll pay for you to stay in the house

I think you - and he - will find you're entitled to an awful lot more than either of you realise. You're an equal partner in a firm - your marriage. You must contact a solicitor at your earliest - contact Womens Aid to get a list of good solicitors in your area - your local Womens Aid. They specialise in domestic abuse but the clue is in their name: they aid women. And you need aid right now. Also contact Rights of Women: both orgs can help you through the process.

The general advice is to visit a family lawyer for a free first half hour to discuss a ballpark of what you're entitled to. Is your husband self-employed? Do you have access to finances/statements etc? Any lawyer you visit won't be able to represent him so it might be an idea to visit lots.

My heart goes out to you and your kids. You will get through this. Loads of support and advice on here so look out for similar threads

BlindTipsy · 23/09/2019 06:23

I wrote a very, very similar post to you just over a year ago. The good news is things WILL get better but I realise now it doesn't feel like that and you probably feel very scared.

Echo what everyone has said about seeing a solicitor ASAP. Find one that specialises in family law, take copies of everything you can (bank statements etc). It will make you feel more in control and reassured. Interesting what @Winterlife says - I moved fast (because I wanted it over and done with) and there was very little financial wrangling from him. Guilt and he was probably still in that ridiculous 'I have real luurrvve now so don't need a house/pension etc' phase. It was a fair split but made much easier by his acceptance that I was entitled to it.

Remember he is no longer your friend - it's hard but you have to realise quickly that you are no longer in a relationship with him and you need to focus on you and your children's needs and your life. Don't tell him anything you don't need to. He has had time to plan and prepare for this and you haven't.

Feel free to message me if you want support from someone who has been through it. My life is a million times better now - I would never have said I was unhappily married but my god I am so much happier these days. You will get through this and you will thrive. But for now you have to concentrate on getting through the next few days/weeks.

Gigimum · 23/09/2019 06:29

Thanks to everyone that has replied, you don't know how much I appreciate your help. I have never used Mumsnet before and knowing people are there means a lot x

squeakybike · 23/09/2019 06:29

You get him out. He's disgusting. Don't allow him to use you even more by staying there.

stucknoue · 23/09/2019 06:34

Go online and register for universal credit first thing, you will need all your documentation. Make an appointment with a solicitor and get some advice, you need an interim financial agreement but you need your income (wages plus benefits) established first. As you own your home you cannot get help with that cost but use Turn2Us or another benefit calculator first to get an idea.

You are not alone! There's many of us going through the same or similar and it seriously sucks! Pt / carer for 20 years here not sure how I can magic enough money!

TheStuffedPenguin · 23/09/2019 06:54

OP - you have my sympathies as this has come to you unexpectedly . Unless this has happened to you - with no warning like this - it is impossible to understand the sheer shock that your body has been put through . Currently you are numb as it doesn't seem real and you will yo yo with anger, fear, sadness over the coming months.
If you do have any savings accounts then ask the bank to put a block on them first thing today! As others have said , see a solicitor or two or three over the next week or so for their free 30 mins advice and this helps give you an outline of your position . You are in a long marriage and the starting point is 50/50 of property and other assets .
You are not a failure , He has chosen this path . You are ,I imagine ,very fearful of the future - as to how you are going to live etc but it will work out and you will be OK. You have a long and painful way to go but take it from me and the other wives who have been in this situation you will survive and go on to a better life than this .

squeakybike · 23/09/2019 08:08

She won't be able to get universal credit if she jointly owns the property with him. (Not sure if she does)

Livelovebehappy · 23/09/2019 08:18

Same advice as others - act quickly, see a solicitor and get agreements in place while he still feels guilty, because as soon as the guilt starts to go and he justifies in his mind why he has left (probably by starting to project the blame onto you in his head), and the ow inputting into the situation, he will play hardball. You will get through this, many of us have been in your situation, but be strong. Gather up all your strength and take charge of the situation.

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