I need stories to help my sister leave an abusive DH

[youdeservebetter]

I need your help! I believe she's on the cusp of leaving. She has a girl and a boy under 8 years old.

Please give me some motivating stories, even include sad stories where your children were affected by not leaving.

Empower her to leave and I can show her the messages !

I left an abusive relationship when my children were very little. They were enough for me to leave. I needed no motivation. Although I did also know that if I didn't they may be taken off me because I would imagine SS would do that. I wanted better for them.

I left. I took myself back to uni part time and I graduated in July. I've changed their lives. We have a really happy home now

Boosting the post

It took a while for my sister to leave her abusive ExH.
No kids though.
But myself and my (now Ex)H got her out of there.
She just clicked one day with something I told her.
Unfortunately he'd totally ruined her.
She was a gorgeous beautiful woman. The life and soul of any room she entered.
What he did to her confidence and her body is indescribable.
She kept choosing abusive partners after him as well. Just not quite as bad.
She died last year.
A lot to do with what she put her body through with the drinking, smoking and eating disorders.
And I still haven't come to terms with her death.
We all knew what was happening but I had to wait for her to come to me. It's the hardest thing you do as sister. Just stand by and watch them be abused. But it is her life and her decision and as much as you want to run into her house and grab her and the kids and run, you can't do that. It has to come from her.

These men ruin you.
They ruin everything around you.
She also needs to understand that if SS find out she is keeping DC in an abusive househould - it's also considered abuse of the DC.
It is HER job to protect these DC.
Don't let her convince herself that they don't know anything.
They know!!!!!
It's affecting them and their futures as we type this thread.
The boy will end up like his father.
The girl will end up being a victim just like your sister is.
I really hope she doesn't want that for their future.
If she won't leave for herself then she HAS to for her DC.

My DSis never experienced any abuse growing up.
We've no idea why she chose as she did.
My mum and dad really were the most wonderful parents.
In fact they still are.

Can you convince her to call Womens Aid?
You sound like a lovely supportive sister. All you can do right now though, is be there when she is ready to save herself and her DC from a life of abuse.

I left my children's dad when they were five and eight. Fourteen years on and it still shocks me how much they remember of those early years with him.

Children see everything. They are always affected by domestic abuse.

My DC have thanked me for leaving. Many times.

I left my DS's father when he was 6, the father walked in the house, DS and I were sat on the floor playing Lego, I watched him make himself as small as possible! He also went very quiet!
That was enough for me, he was gone within a month (it was my house but DS and I stayed in a hotel until he went).
DS asked me if his 'Daddy was gone forever now' I replied would that make you sad? He replied no I'll be happy Mummy. Best thing I ever did although he tried for years to keep control and DS and I had to move away.
It has had an effect on DS now 22 and I feel so guilty for the 6 years he had to put up with it, in my deluded head I thought I'd protected him but children are smart and they know!!

for you OP. I was in the same situation. My SIL was married to an abusive man. We had to watch from a distance over the years and it was heartbreaking. She wouldn't be told to leave him and wouldn't hear a bad word about him. All out of fear and panic. He isolated her from nearly all her friends and family. Myself and DH (her brother) were her only main family left. I was told by DH I had to hold back from telling him what I thought of him because we had to be there for her and her children when she was ready to leave.
I always saw little glimmers of what her real personality was like but it was mostly suppressed. Her DH was controlling with everything and especially controlling in regards to the children. They wasn't allowed to make a mess or play like children would (not allowed to play properly outside).

One day SIL turned up on the doorstep in tears saying she'd left him. I will be the first to say that I thought the day would never come. This was the start of the year . It's been a rough ride and unsurprisingly her exDH has been vile. He plays the children off against each other and tries to turn them against the mother. They have told us in confidence that they're just glad daddy isn't shouting or being mean to mummy anymore.

My SIL is an absolute changed person though. She is glowing. She is laughing. She is happy. Her children are seeing this and realising how unhappy she was and how their dad isn't a normal parent. They're now doing things they couldn't before like going to the beach and having pets. My SIL has had my DD for days out and we've had their DC for days out and sleepovers. Things we couldn't do before.

It won't be easy. And you absolutely can't force your sister into doing something she's not ready to do. But being there for her and her children is everything. That first step for her will be terrifying. I really hope she gets the strength to leave. She's lucky to have you. A lot of SILs family gave up on her not realising or understanding about domestic abuse.

Thank you everyone - keep a few more coming as I am seeing her in 2 days.
Xx

There's a thread from last year which I can't link to at the moment, but its title is "Domestic violence - did you witness any against your mother?" Lots of posters, including me, talk about the long term impact on their lives, and/or their children's lives. Hopefully you can find it using the search tool. It makes for harrowing reading.

But after 30+ years of physical, emotional and financial abuse I now have a happy and peaceful life. I share my home with my partner of 5 years, who is loved by all my family. I've returned to studying something I love, just because I can. We have a new puppy (I was never allowed a dog, although the kids would have loved one). I see lots of my children, although my daughter is NC and my son LC with their dad, and have a close relationship with them, my stepdaughter (my ex's daughter), their partners and my grandsons.

The children say I am a different woman, and don't blame me for staying as long as I did, they understand that I thought their "security" was more important than my unhappiness. But I do blame myself for not leaving earlier and not protecting them more.

Reading back I can see I've used "love" a lot in my second paragraph. And that's how life is now, full of love. I hope she finds the courage to leave.

I left an abusive partner 12 years ago, we had three dcs. They witnessed far too much, physical and emotional abuse. SslS were called in the end. When I couldn't think for myself anymore, when I hadn't even the confidence to walk to a shop and buy milk. When I couldn't reach out to my family because I was so isolated. Whe the physical and emotional scars were too much to bear..leaving him resulted in a panic alarn, restraining order etc. I moved 200 miles to free myself and the children. I have battled with guilt ever since. My children remember. Not much but enough..the 13 year old still wets the bed. My ex died a few weeks ago. The emotions that evokes are so complex..do the right thing..

Hi @youdeservebetter a brief version of my back story is that in February this year after 10 years together, 8 married (2 DC aged 4 and 2) I realised I was SO unhappy, I sat on the bathroom floor one morning & wondered if I was already dead.

I knew I needed help and I went to my GP who referred me for a mental health assessment. The guy who did the assessment told me he needed to refer me to the Domestic Abuse department. Now I understand DA it makes total sense but I hadn’t realised that I had been experiencing relentless psychological DA for years. I had psychotherapy with a wonderful therapist who broke it all down for me, I can’t lie, it was very emotional & I cried a lot. She said she needed to build up my low self esteem.

I actually left my H in March and have been living with my parents and children since. I am SO MUCH HAPPIER already and the DC are flourishing. My H has been spiteful & vile since but I have petitioned for a divorce.

I recently started the Freedom Programme which I would highly recommend for your sister. Again it is emotional but it is a well mapped out source of help with weekly meetings over 10 weeks. The course covers everything from leaving safely, coping with controlling behaviour and managing any trauma impact on children etc.

It’s been 6 months and 1 day since I left and I have NEVER regretted it for a second, my overwhelming feeling has been sheer relief.

I watched the Sally Challen interview on channel 4 last night & totally understood how she ended up killing her H and how the abuse is insidious and can carry on for decades largely unnoticed by friends & family. It is like Chinese torture. In my case I couldn’t do anything right, I was too fat, too thin, my cooking wasn’t good enough, my housekeeping not up to scratch - to be honest the list is endless.

Tell your sister there is a better life out there for her. Be brave

I left an abusive relationship in May and although its been a hard few months I'm finally starting to feel my old self again. I have freedom to do what i want. I also have two DC under 6 and it took until SS to became involved and actually speak to the DC when i actually realised what they see and remember and it is much more than i would have thought. The first few months the DC would mis behave however now they are starting to calm down and i can now see it was just there way of dealing with things. Your sister can do it esp with the help of you and your other family. My family have been so supportive and this has massively helped she also probably wont realise how much you and the rest of your family have noticed throughout the years. She will probably feel embarrassed and ashamed as i did but then you realise you have nothing to be embarrased about. Also i have found SS aren't as bad as people make out. I have a lovely SW who is so supportive and has helped so much more than i would have thought. Your sister can do it. However it took me maybe 6 times before i finally did it and left best thing i ever did and now i sit back and think why did i put up with this for 7 years.

Myself and my children were abused my my ex husband. I was married for 16 years with him for 18 years. He psychologically ,financially and physically abused me.
I thought because he hadn't put me in hospital it wasn't really abuse.....it was.
I went through Women's Aid/Safer places last year and did the freedom programme/
Triple RRR. I had counselling and advice from a solicitor there. They were a massive support.
He broke me down from an independent, working, travelling woman to a frightened, depressed, anxiety ridden shell of my former self, with zero self esteem and cofidence.
Just last night I apologised to both my children who are teenagers for not getting them out quicker. My son said they constantly had to defend me.
They witnessed stuff they never should have seen and I deeply regret that and I am ashamed to have stayed so long, my only thing I can say to myself to ease the guilt, is that i came from an abusive home and I thought it was 'normal ' some how......but it really isn't normal.
I didn't have a supportive sister ,( and i have 3 sisters and a brother, )but they were happy to let me suffer the abuse.If i had a caring sister Like you to help me, things might have been very different a lot sooner.

My mum stayed, for the comfort of the house and the money. It destroyed us as children. Literally wrecked our hearts and our emotions, screwed us up as humans for years. I would've done anything to have had her leave. I tried to commit suicide at 6. That's how bad it wa. That's how destroyed my heart was.

I think it's a bit strange to ask people for their personal stories like this and won't necessarily make her feel empowered. There are plenty of threads to follow or talk about - the pinned refuge one etc. If she reads here, why not invite her to start a thread herself?

@category12 Not sure you understand abuse, she is being tracked, having messages read and checked on home CCTV. She can't set up threads about her own abuse as he is monitoring everything.

The brave ladies on here will understand the purpose of this.

It sounds like your DSis will need some expert help in leaving, if her husband is monitoring her via CCTV. Many posters recommended Women’s Aid as a good resource.

You sound like a brilliant ally.

I have a DBro who is waiting for me to appear on his doorstep. He’s lost patience with me and has gone LC for the moment. I understand because I’m dithering big time over leaving.

Mine didn’t batter me, he’d intimidate me, pull my hair push me. He once torturtured me emotionally one night to the extent I was flinching when I went to bed. He was “sorry” - I eventually starting reading mumsnet, I realised it wasn’t normal, that he was in control when he did these things. I went and spoke to my GP, contacted my local women’s aid and saw a lady there who was understanding and non judgemental.
I started seeing a counsellor which finally gave me the strength to report him to the police.
I also knew that I didn’t want my son growing up in a toxic environment.
I too had had a very abusive childhood. It causes lots of damage.
Thank goodness she has family to be there.
Lundy Bancroft why does he do that - is a book recommendation.
🌺🌺🌺🌺 to all those in this situation and for those who have got out.

That's rather unfair - not all abuse looks the same and some abusers do not monitor their partners. You have no idea what my understanding or experience is.

You are best placed to understand what motivates your sister, of course, but I know this strategy wouldn't work for some people and would in fact make them resistant.

This has really helped- She's leaving him!!!

Thank you everyone - xxx

She can move forward with her life and enjoy a more peaceful life. You are all an amazing inspiration.

Yes to Lundy Bancroft - it's an amazing book and I asked her to read one of the last chapters. (Book stays at my house)

I'm in touch with women's aid. We are in Scotland and they have given me some local services. Counselling has really helped her too.

@category12 I've had an emotional week and am not interested in getting into a debate with you.

I'm saying that your suggestion "why doesn't she start her own thread" rather than read my thread isn't helpful as he is in her phone all the time and it is poor (and potentially dangerous) advice when he would be able to read the thread she has created in mumsnet.

Please give your negativity to someone else as I'm having a wonderful day here.

Thank you for all the positivity everyone. X

I'm so pleased to hear that OP.
It's proper full on abuse and control when he watches her every move and checks her phone etc......
She will have a much happier life now.
It will still be hard.
Losing control like he has, will mean he will make things very difficult for her.
But with you around to help, I've no doubt you'll get through it.
(((((HUGS))))) to your sister.
And to a new abuse free life for her!

OP, just be aware she may go back to him. It can take several attempts for a victim to leave before they leave for good.

@youdeservebetter SO happy to hear that. As the PP cautions, be prepared for her to go back to him.

However, not all women experience regret after leaving. I haven't looked back for a SECOND.

👏to your sister