Please can you help me think straight ...

[BearRabbitPants]

Long post I need some unbiased perspectives please:

DH Works 6:30 till 5 but can be sorting jobs /collecting materials/making phone calls etc till around 6:30pm- so a 12 hour day.
Helps with kids when he’s home, washes & sterilises & makes bottles, will clear up after dinner/clean kitchen 50% of the time alone but the rest of the time we do it together (its quicker), helps every evening bathing and putting kids to bed (he sorts 4 yo whilst I sort 7 month old) . Empties & Puts out bins. Takes care of finances. Sorts all admin for maintenance of car / van ie insurance tax mot repairs etc , phone contracts and Sky
In addition to this he organises the home renovations that are currently ongoing (big project- have practically rebuilt the house)

I’m currently on mat leave, I do all cooking, cleaning, food shopping, washing/ironing, most of the childcare, all life admin ie organising home insurance /kids clubs/ holidays/ utilities etc etc and I do the paper work for his business (book keeping, invoices, quotes- this only takes up around 10 hours per month though) rub all household errands etc.
when I return to work in Nov I’ll be doing 2 week days 9-5

We have joint finances, everything is shared, so no issues there.

Now I don’t want to drip feed so here goes- I think I’m depressed, I had to move out for 8 weeks when house renovations made the property inhabitable to live in, youngest was only 3 weeks old. This is in addition to practically being a lone parent to DS whilst DH worked his arse to the bone evenings and every weekend for 6 months - whilst I was heavily pregnant - & This had a MASSIVE impact on our relationship, one that I’m struggling to get over. I think I suffered PND and felt I had no support. DH has the habit of becoming slack with helping out with day to day stuff on weekends- probably because he’s knackered he does work bloody hard but I can be very resentful that he gets a rest and I still keep myself busy doing chores Altho he says I’m my own worst enemy as I ‘make myself busy’ - I’m a bit OCD and like things done right away & a tidy house etc... he can be a bit lazy with leaving stuff round the house...

I don’t know why I’m posting I just want to know do people think we do an equal amount of work?

I think I just feel very low in myself right now I can’t think straight.
I just want to feel happy again... since building our house and having those terrible few months- well since Aug last year, I feel so low. I raise my voice at him sometimes over pathetic things and feel very angry & irritable at him. He’ll be joking around and I’ll overreact and take a joke badly when before all this we’d laugh and joke all the time! I just want to move past this awful year and be like we were before :-(

Well everyone's relationship is different, but to me as an outsider it does sound like he's pretty hands-on considering his hours. But I've been through building work several times and it's so bloody draining, that you can get resentful it's taken such a chunk out of the life you hope to be leading. Is that what's got you down, do you think?
Try to plan it a bit of time out and fun, movie night at home with frozen pizza for example, give yourselves a break. He's probably right about you overdoing it too, though I appreciate some people can't relax without having everything 'done'. Wish I was one of them tbh...!

OP you say you do all life admin, but list quite a bit he does.

I think that the renovations are just taking their to on you and the relationship.

Realistically, there shouldnt be a reason you cant relax at weekends. You are a sahm and he chips in and does alot at home including working and getting the renovations done.

This shouldnt take all your time, all week. I was a single parent with 2 kids and worked fulltime and managed to have plenty of downtime at weekends with the kids. The house is always clean and tidy, food cooked, washing done etc.

You both need to relax and relaxing together is good for your relationship.

At thos point, I am nor sure what more you would like him to take on. Bating I mind if he gets no relaxing time, its likely to make him ill. Not relaxing is likely contributing to your feeling too.

This is a difficult period and it must have been very difficult moving out and being alone alot. But that was so that he could get you back in as quick as possible. Perhaps you both just need to start appreciating life is hard for both of you at the moment and try and get through it together. Rather than starting the 'you dint do enough', 'why should you get to relax' etc

Thank you all for your opinions. I did need to hear them. I totally agree that I think part of it is that for the past 2 years on and off I've been existing in a life that I don't want to be living- being alone, not only with 1 child but then when DD came along with 2. I think that had such a negative impact because with DS we lived in a house that we had completely renovated so every day was our own- DH helped with late night feeds, the first nappy change and feed of the day, we both had loads of downtime, I was able to relax in my home with my newborn- imagine having just given birth & the very next day at 7:30am men of all different trades are entering your home- I had to be up and dressed to let them in, either go out because of the noise & dust or hide in the living room with DD because of the loud noise & dust- I missed out on 'bonding'that I did with my DS and I think that is a massive factor in why I resent my DH. Hence the post natal depression.
Don't get me wrong the home is getting there, it's looking amazing & I am so grateful of all DH has done, but I don't think he realises how this has affected our relationship at all. Yes he deserves a break of course, but then when is my break? Because for example on a Sunday morning when he's knackered and wants to relax, we still have 2 kids that need washing, dressing, feeding, entertaining. Still dinner, tidying up, clearing away toys, laundry etc needs tending to, beds to be made etc. It's all me except when I end up losing my rag & he helps. Or when I ask him to help.

This week was extremely busy as I had wallpaper to strip and various errands to run for the renovations- sorting of wardrobes where kids rooms are coming together, did DH book Keeping ready for his VAT return, on top of everything else I do Day to day- swim lessons, toddler groups etc, so it's not as if I'm having time to relax Cos I always have 2 children with me. Altho yes I agree I could be less anal about the housework- take time with Dd When DS at pre school to do stuff with just her and I...

Maybe I just miss the life we had before all this. I miss my husband, I miss the way we were as a couple. Also the stress and pressure turns him in to someone else, he can be horrible & we've had some terrible rows , worst & most we have argued In our entire relationship the last 12 months

I know I need to snap out of this black cloud- I was on antidepressants but they made me unable to wake in the mornings so I'm going to go back to docs today see if they can help.

Thank you for replying to me. It helps getting this all out as I've been bottling it up for months.

Because for example on a Sunday morning when he's knackered and wants to relax, we still have 2 kids that need washing, dressing, feeding, entertaining. Still dinner, tidying up, clearing away toys, laundry etc needs tending to, beds to be made etc.

Relax with him. Kids can get dressed late. Quick easy meals. Beds dont need to made. Even if it's only a Sunday it's not made.

Have a day off from laundry. Have sunday as take away night or pizza from the freezer. Of course he should be helping. But you are adding alot of things in saying they need doing. But do they? Right that minute?

Sounds like he could do a bit more at weekends but you could do alot less.

I know how you feel! Dp works all week and is out the door before 7 and then will do weekends of he can. I get frustrated doing all the stuff at home and school runs but he is working hard! Dont get me wrong he does help, if I ask him to do something he will do it but when do we actually a break? Cant remember the last time I even went to the toilet without a child outside the bathroom door or trying to sit kn my lap. Maybe try and do things in the evening like watch a film or start a show. or set aside a day where theres minimal housework on your part, I know it's hard I also suffer with slight OCD I think. We do one night a week where we will either have a drink or get a takeaway and always cook dinner together on weekends

@BearRabbitPants I get what you are saying. In some ways you sound a little like me. I am a bit of a control freak, and I find it really hard to just sit down and relax. However, I have come to realise that just because I am a 'stress-head', my DH doesn't have to join in. He has a right to sit on his arse at the weekend, and watch TV and leave the kids in their PJs until after lunch. It's his life too, and he does plenty around the house and with the kids. As PP have suggested, give yourself a day off. It doesn't matter if the beds don't get made one day, or if you just have beans on toast for tea. Trust me, if you learn to let go a little bit you'll all be much happier xx

If you can't even tell if what you do is even and you're living it then we've got no hope!
What seems more the issue is that he has rest time and you don't. Is that because you 'make yourself busy' like dh says, or is it simply that you don't get a chance?
Can you schedule in some rest time for yourself at the weekend and say to dh ok the kids are yours to sort for an hour, I'm on break? Or get him to sort sunday dinner or whatever you feel needs doing which is preventing you from having a break, although, if you give him something to do so you can rest, would you actually rest or would you find something else to do?

@ScatteredMama82 that actually made me well up a bit. You are right and He is right I do need to not make myself busy, let go a little bit.

This is going to make me sound even worse now but a long time ago a friend was selling gym equipment very very cheap so we bought it and stored it and now we're having one of the smaller rooms downstairs as a gym and he's said I can have it decorated however I chose he even went to see about floor to ceiling mirrors today for it which I had talked about 😢!! I felt terrible like what a bitch I am he's trying his best to make things happy & good whilst we're living among the chaos.

When that rooms done I'll have my own little gym to use for down time. I did run 2-3 times a week before I was preg with DD but with the house build going on I did stop I could do that any evening or weekend I just need to get back in to it.

DH did say I'm sometimes my own worst enemy because I don't give myself a break and because I constantly worry about finances and what's going on in the house (do I need to be there etc- or is childcare going to be needed that day)... but he and I admitted that we think we've got in to a rut in regards to the division of jobs & he admits he could for example (petty things) put his boxers in the laundry basket rather leaving them on floor!

I think I need the doc appointment on Weds more than I realised. I think I have suffered PND and not dealt with it. I've bottled everything up and it's all come pouring out at once.
Sorry to be "woe is me" I know there's people out there with terrible things going on in their lives, but I can't help how I have felt.

DH and I have had a big chat tonight and I'm feeling a lot better about things that have been bothering me. He's admitted his faults and I've admitted my failings & I think we both are feeling better. It's going to take time. The last year we've had Minimal time together on our own either which is another pitfall Cos we're always 'mum and dad' and never BearRabbit & DH. But we have good friends who have offered to have the children for us for a WEEKEND would u believe! So I think we may look in to doing something for us soon.

OP I am glad you are feeling better. Meeting eachother half way is so much better.

Even without the house stuff, couples di fall into a rut of not seeing the others point of view. Be kind to eachother and things will get easier

I had a baby and complete renovation at the same time.. it honestly is so stressful.. It does sound like he does his fair share in the week, much more than my husband does.. he does the odd bit of tidying washing but I do everything admin and financial including his business book keeping.
I think you need to relax at the weekend.. if things don't get done then they don't get done.. use it as time together and make memories with your children, don't be consumed with having the perfect home. I was exactly like you.. but I burnt myself out and it did cause tension between us. Once you start to relax at the weekend too you won't envy him doing it! X

@purplestarz you are right, his passion is football so he's a season ticket holder to our local team - he said that's 'his thing' so I'm welcome to do 'my thing' - I just need to do it!
As I say I think things had just got stuck in a rut. It's been a hard year on the family and we just need to get life back on track now that the house is coming together.
Can I just say thank you to everyone for all your comments, even the ones that were blunt & straight to the point because it's given me a lot of food for thought & has been good to get everything off my chest.

So thank you again for taking the time you really have helped me more than you will know. X

Hi BearRabbitPants - virtual hugs

I read your post cause I'm sad about my own relationship and I need to feel like I'm not alone. It kinda helped but also made me a bit tearful cause I can see you're having a hard time.

Basically I'm the same as you in the way you know what needs doing and do it. Yes leisure is important but whatever is left at the weekend is there Monday morning when hubby is at work and kids are wanting attention. I find that stressful sometimes (and we only have one little one) so I'm the one often making sure all tasks are done and dusted before I let myself rest. We had a loft conversion when our son was 5/6 months old and I felt really down and stressed. I don't know how you coped with it even worse so you sound like a strong person and I think you'll pull through for sure

Well I clearly haven't coped too well lol but I know what I need to do to make things better. I'm going to get the tablets from docs to help me clear my mind fog and make me less anxious & tense.
But thank you for your post. It is very hard when the house is upside down constant dust mess and chaos. But we're through the worst of it now. The only way is up hopefully. I hope you get your issues sorted soon too bless you.

Your husband sounds supportive, hard working and lovely. I have no idea how anyone would cope with a new baby and a house renovation at the same time. I think when it all starts coming together and you get that sense of home things will come back together. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s a tough time

Thanks BearRabbitPants All the best x