20 years wasted

[heartbreakin]

My 20 year marriage ended this weekend. It’s been obvious for a few years that my stbexh isn’t in love with me anymore. It’s led to him treating me like crap to be honest. I’ve put up with it because I loved him and we’ve got kids. The verbal put downs and criticism etc have led me to the lowest point though and I could no longer stand the coldness. So I ended it. I just feel sick though. He’s not bothered. Which shows me I did the right thing but it still hurts like hell. How do I move past this? I feel like I’ve wasted the last 20 years of my life. I’ll now have to see him happily skipping into the future with a new woman no doubt as he’s been ready to move on for years. If anyone has any words of wisdom or advice from could really use them right now.

The last 20 years has brought you to this point - a strong and independent woman who is now saying enough is enough!
Everything that you have achieved in those years have helped make you who you are and they've definitely not been wasted.
You are now ready for the next chapter of your life and if he's ready to go skipping of into the sunset without a care in the world give him a lovely wave whilst you get on with your own new adventures.
He's lost the best thing he ever had - you know that and he'll realise it one day.
Good luck to the new strong and independent you. 💐🌹♥️

I’m so sorry to hear that heartbreakin - I’m not sure that anything I can say will make you feel any better yet, as it’s such early days for you, but please don’t think you’ve wasted 20 years. That was a chapter in your life and you’ve now turned the page and you’re starting a new one - well done you for not sticking it out for even more years, as plenty of women do.

Leaving is the scary option but by far the more rewarding one. You may not see it now, but you can have a brilliant life without him weighing you down.

My XH was a joy sucker, he managed to make every occasion stressful and unhappy. It wasn’t his fault really. He just wasn’t cut out for family life. He’s now much happier on his own, and I’m with someone else who is an absolute angel.

I’ve read a saying “Your ’no’ makes way for a ‘yes’ ” and by creating this space in your life which he used to fill with his nastiness and negativity, you’ve made room for good things to come into your life.

You’ll look back in a year and I promise you’ll be so glad you did this. And the goal is, not to give a shiny shit whether he meets someone new. Of course he will, but he’ll just make her miserable too! Wherever he goes, he has to take himself along. Now you are free from that.

Chin up chuck. You’ve got this.

I can relate. And I am a bit further in the process...
And, here is how I look at it.
Some relationships aren’t meant to last ‘till death us do part’. Doesn’t mean they were a waste of time or life. There were good bits too, and kids came along.
People change, emotions change. He fell out of love with you, so you leaving is a good thing.
You can have a different life where you aren’t dealing with a grumpy roommate.
And you may meet someone else just as well.

It’ll take time to get acceptance of what’s happening. Hang on there

And focus on the fact that the marriage gave you your lovely children. As much as my marriage was a disaster, my DCs aren’t. DP was with someone wholly unsuitable too and sometimes we say we wish we’d met each other sooner, but that would mean wishing away our respective DCs. It wasn’t a total waste!

Thank you so much. It’s just hard to see my value right now. I’ve never been clever enough for him and he is so domineering and charismatic that whoever he meets next will just get swept along as I was. It feels crushing to be honest. He was so utterly into me but over the years has lost interest and slowly depersonalised and devalued me. I’ve clung on but his obvious unhappiness has just made him lash out. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but I can’t take anymore. He’s so wonderful to the kids but cold to me. It feels like daily torture. I know I’ve done the right thing but the fear of seeing him sweep up somebody else and play super happy families with my kids just kills me. How do I move on and make a good, happy life for myself? All I’ve ever known for 20 years is him.

At least if he’s wonderful with the kids you can relax and enjoy your time when they’re with him. It’s a wonderful opportunity that many don’t get, to really focus on yourself. The first time my kids stayed with dad I was heartbroken, cried the entire evening, but now I relish an evening to myself! XH and I are actually friends now too, which is odd and not something I’d have ever expected!

It might be early days for this, but I read a book by a wonderful Mumsnetter I met when we both split with our XHs many years ago. She went on to become a family coach and wrote a book called I Am the Parent Who Stayed, by Nina Farr, which is a handbook for creating a new family vision (she also runs courses called Family Vision).

I think she recommends that you’re separated for some time before you get too far into it, but I’d definitely buy the book, as it will give you a positive focus for the future, even if you don’t complete all the worksheets yet.

Does he tick the boxes for a narcissist? The charming man with a cold side who devalues you sounds very familiar! In which case he will be hard to get over, as narcs can be addictive. But once you are free you’ll see all the other ways he wasn’t good enough for you. He’s made you feel that you weren’t good enough. But he’s wrong.

You are more than good enough. He may skip happily into the future but he won't be skippng happily for very long, as his future relationships will fail as this one has. Failure after failure.

You, however, are the sort of person who learns fro their mistakes, who can build solid, long-term relationships. You are the one who will have the hay future. Don't worry about him, and his future. Think about yours and that of your children.

When you've stopped reeling - sooner than you expect I bet- have a look at the Freedom Programme. It will help you spot these abusive arseholes early so you don't repeat yourself.

One day soon you're going to be thinking "thank goodness I got away from him so painlessly".

Good luck. You will be fine.

Been there op
And cried the river
Life does get better
I was ousted for the Ow after 30 years of marriage
I thought life was over when actually it was just beginning

After the grieving period, I got out and about, went travelling, took up new hobbies, sailing tried skiing..not for me lol..but Colorado was amazing

Then when divorce came through I went on a dating site and met my lovely husband
Together 11 years now
Got married when I was 63 so we didn’t rush 😂

Life has been amazing
Congratulations for getting out .
You did the right thing

As for my ex..yes he lived like a sultan in Dubai..but he lost everything he cared about, children , grandchildren
He died a very unhappy man

People mention that Lundy Bancroft book on here as being very good

I’m just broken today. How can somebody who has been in my life for 20 years care so little about my feelings. It’s just horrid. I wish I could rewind the clock and never have dated him at all

I'm so sorry. He checked out years ago which is why he doesn't seem bothered. He may feel a sense of relief.

But what he thinks now should not be your concern. You need to toughen up, get strong and accept that your life as you knew it with him is over.

No one expects you to do this overnight, you are in pain and rightly so.

Allow yourself to grieve, not a waste of 20 years, I'm sure there were many good times, but the end of this chapter of your life.

You will get through this, with the help of people that love you and, if needed maybe a counsellor.

If he hasn't been happy for years, then likely you weren't either. I agree with all those that say you will look back on this situation in years to come not with sadness but relief.

The next while will be tough, but the pain eases. Look after yourself

I’m wishing you well, OP. Going through the same, only I haven’t had the chance to talk to my DH yet. I dont want much except a husband who loves and cares for me, and judging by his actions and words I don’t think he does anymore and is too scared to say it.

I need to get it out of him, but it’s hard to have the conversation. It’s like if you say it out loud then it’s really happening. While we’re just not talking then the days just plod on without all the shit hitting the fan yet.

I think you’re brave, OP. Keep on going.

Been there too OP. I ended a 17 year relationship because my ex treated me like crap and was a nightmare to live with (always was really). It was me who fell out of love with him because of the way he was. That didn't make it any easier as he was all I'd know for 17 years. We lived together, travelled the world together, had kids together.
I'm not saying its going to be easy. It won't be. And yes be prepared for your ex to have another woman pretty quick - that is what the majority of men like this do. My ex was already seeing someone before he moved out!!
But, there is light at the end of this, believe me. Even though I do sometimes wonder if I'll ever meet anyone, I would still rather be a strong independent woman on my own, then back living in that hell of a relationship. I can enjoy free time without the kids (which I never had with him) and I don't have to suit anyone else or worry about anyone else's feelings.
Hang on in there OP, you will come out of this better!!!